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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensible female brainpower needed urgently :-)

43 replies

atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 11:39

A long time ago I met a woman and we had a relationship which did not last but I never forgot her. I did not see her for over 20 years.
A few years ago after my divorce (16 years wed, 2 grown up kids) I left my number at her place of work. We started a relationship and were engaged and I moved into her place. She had never been married or had any children. After 2 years I decided to move out. There had been issues where she wanted me to stay away, then she would stay away / sleep on the sofa, which obviously could not continue. I always thought these were overreactions but as it was her place I had no choice but to go along with it. There were no major issues like abuse, anything like that, but I was surprised about how few relationship skills she had, conflict resolution, communication etc. Soon after I told her I would find a place of my own, that I was not ending the relationship and when things settled down we would see how things went. I made sure she knew we could still be together, but a couple of months have passed and she is refusing all contact, saying I left the house so what did I expect. She has not given me any concrete reason why we should part. She contacted me the other day and said she was and is still desperately in love with me, on the same day said that the relationship was over. She seems to prefer her single life but I can't work out whether I should keep trying with her or just give up. We are both 50+.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/08/2017 11:48

Give up. FFS

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 11:58

Yeah fair enough

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 02/08/2017 12:00

Sounds like she doesn't want to be the bad guy. If she loved you she'd be with you. Do yourself a favour and walk away.

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:05

Thanks - how do people get to 50 years of age and play games like this it's a bit pathetic really. I think she may be a bit alcohol dependent as she has weird moods after a few drinks which have been a recurrent issue - she also thinks its 'sad' that I don't get drunk and lose control

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 02/08/2017 12:09

She needs therapy. Cut your losses and move on.

Notmyrealname85 · 02/08/2017 12:10

Doesn't sound like she's fit/ready for a relationship, some people just get too used to what they know (single life! And not sharing spaces etc)

Just for your own sanity, do think if there's anything you could've done to inprove things with her. And then use that in a new relationship :) best of luck!

Notmyrealname85 · 02/08/2017 12:10

And from that last post of yours... run for the hills! She sounds awful!

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:11

@ArgyMargy - which bits tell you that, just so I know :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:15

Thanks Notmyrealname85 - yes, the number of evenings we had which were spoiled by it I can't even remember - I got to the stage where I didn't want to go on holiday with her in case we ended up falling out about it. The family are big drinkers, they almost came to blows at ours on Christmas day - what fun!

OP posts:
MrsPestilence · 02/08/2017 12:17

The huge advantage to being older and getting into new relationships is communication. After five decades of practice you have no need to play silly buggers. If she is not willing to talk through issues with you, she should try a therapist. Get over this one and move on with someone who acts like a grown up.

Notmyrealname85 · 02/08/2017 12:18

Find a relationship that's easy - one where you don't feel like you're on a trial period constantly or where you need to perform, where you both can just be yourselves. Sounds silly but if you have any hobbies maybe look for a partner in a club etc - like minded people might be useful :)

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:23

Thanks MrsPestilence - I often think she has the mind of an adolescent - she still bangs on about old films and bands from her teenage years which just sound all dated and worn out to me. Everything's 'amazing'. The few opinions she has never change and she hates it when I don't agree with her. Even her sister in law says she's shallow. When she asked me to stay away for a few days over Easter so she could 'have a think' I came back and asked her what she had been thinking about, she just said 'nothing'.

OP posts:
Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:31

Thanks notmyrealname85 - I think I will give things a steer for a while, I'm quite happy on my own, it's better than being in the doghouse all the time :-)

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 02/08/2017 12:36

Being unable to communicate in a rational, adult way. Sending out extreme and contradictory signals about her feelings and your relationship.

BertieBotts · 02/08/2017 12:38

OP try reading the site Baggage Reclaim. It's very good for cutting out bullshit from relationships so you can see what you really want.

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:38

Thanks - she sent me a message the other day - 'You are not a bad person but you need help' I have absolutely no clue what this is supposed to mean - is she just trying to do my head in?

OP posts:
Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:48

Thanks BertieBotts I will definitely look. I went through counselling sessions with first wife which sort of helped in a way but not with underlying issues, that's another story, but the process was interesting, I just think some people can't be bothered with that side of life and don't reflect or value that side of things very much. She's one of them - fancies herself as a bit of a 'lifecoach' at work - may god help them!

OP posts:
mmm1234 · 02/08/2017 12:52

You sound far too good for her. I already know about 4 facts about her that would be deal breakers as far as a relationship goes!

My dad had an expression he'd sometimes use for a woman like that - "it was a business doing pleasure with her". He also liked to say "I can describe her in three words - a fucking handful" - both quote apposite here I feel. Cut your losses and run!

CryptoFascist · 02/08/2017 12:55

Your point about the lack of relationship skills rings true to me - it seems some people never develop these and spend their lives in a state of emotional infancy.
You won't be able to help her grow now.
Better cut your losses and find yourself a grown up.

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 12:57

Thanks mmm1234 - she told me the other day that her family, who I got on well with, all hate me. Later that day she said 'please can we part without any bad feeling' - I called her a hypocrite. It's quite hard - I broke her heart when we were early 20s and I always thought things could have gone better - I did things properly this time but the relationship just didn't seem to get any deeper. Lucky we didn't get married I guess.

OP posts:
mmm1234 · 02/08/2017 13:02

Well now that's 5 things. Or even 6. Her family hate you, and she told you they do.

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 13:07

Thanks CryptoFascist - I never told her but I used to think she reminded me of me about 25 years ago ; just cares about who gets the blame - also very insecure - we went out for valentines day meal a couple of years ago and she'd had a few - decided to bring up the fact that she'd seen me 'connecting' with another woman while out at a local bar the previous summer. I didn't even remember talking to anyone, totally spoiled the evening. She was pissed off with me because even though we'd both been invited she went without me expecting me to stay at home - I followed later and just chatted to a few people - so bossy!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/08/2017 13:17

She's a pain in the rear and thinks she's a cut above you.

It's good market for single men in your age group... Don't stress yourself trying to figure her out.

Original poster
atomicskunk · 02/08/2017 13:49

OK - SandyY2K - her insecurities come out in drink I do know that much.

Thanks for the help everyone I appreciate it :-)

OP posts:
ParadiseCity · 02/08/2017 13:53

You sound as though you truly dislike her, there is nothing to salvage.