Wedding Invite Dilema...

[Imalreadyinuse]

To cut a very long story I fell out with my BFF a few years ago. Basically we'd started to grow apart when another mutual friend latched onto her and did everything she could to exclude me and became very possessive with her. I had DS almost 5 yrs ago and my BFF drifted further. She visited once to meet him and then distanced herself further. I was the one making the effort and i eventually stopped and waited for her to get in touch but she never did, not even when my DS was rushed to hospital with pnemonia. Its since become very awkward at mutual social events and we havent really spoken. Ive missed her so much and the stress of it all really took its toll. I was struggling with my DS anyway and ended up being diagnosed with depression and anxiety - which noone apart from my DH is aware of.
My BFF got engaged last year and on hearing the news i was naturally delighted and without even thinking about it sent her a card with congratulations. I never heard anything and then in hindsight it angered me because id never heard from her and have had another DC since and moved house closer to where she lives, so clearly she didnt care to congratulate me on those occasions.
Anyway ive had a last minute invite to her wedding (less than 3 weeks), she said she wants me to attend (the evening) but wasnt sure whether to send invite as didnt understand my feelings to her (shes never asked). I was cautious as to why she'd invite me but also so excited that she wanted me to be there (id been devastated not to be invited before - she was my bridesmaid at my own wedding). I replied by text saying i wasnt sure it would be fair to either of us at this late stage (didnt want to create an atmosphere at her wedding) but would like to meet to resolve things, maybe before wedding to clear the air. I sent a long heartfelt message, 2 days later i get a nonchalent response - well you know the details if you change your mind and were probably due a reunion with school friends soon so will catch up then.
Nothinh regarding resolving our friendship, no further desire for me to attend. Im confused? Why would you send an invite so late without even expecting to meet before to clear the air or just expect me to turn up feeling rewlly uncomfortable and unwelcome? Would i be wrong in thinking shes only invited me to clear her concious and say 'well i did invite her but she declined to attend'? Im in a no win situation! Everyone thinks the sun shines out her @rse and im this horrible person who cut her off apparently and this is only going to make things worse with mutual friends. Ive been so tempted to reply and ask if this invite was just to clear he concious but my DH said that will obly make things worse which i agree with. What do i do though? I feel so foolish for ny heartfelt message, i even went and bought a card and present I felt so happy to be invited. I was devastated to get this reply from her and am worried now about falling into the same hurt and anger that contributed to my depression and anxiety.
Help! Make me see this clearly please MN

Yes she only invited you to not look like the bad guy. She doesnt want you there. Move on. In the nicest possible way, she is no longer your friend

If you were so happy to be invited, why did you refuse the invitation?

I didnt refuse as such, i said it wouldnt be fair to attend at this late stage unless we could meet first to resolve things her FH blocked me on facebook a few years ago so I wouldnt expect a warm welcome - surely she would of expected to meet before hand on this basis? She could of contacted me after i sent the engagement card if she was genuine, we would of have time to meet and resolve things. 3 weeks says to me she never intended to resolve things with such little time to meet first.
Or would it be reasonable to attend without seeing or speaking to them for years?!?

If you really wanted to pick up the friendship you could have graciously accepted the invite. She wwas offering you a chance to start again as you did when sending engagement card. Now you are adding to the drama. On another thread l read..do you want to be right or to be happy?
Sounds like you miss her and would like to rekindle the friendship. Well then why not go to her wedding?

I just don't get what you're doing?

Three weeks to her wedding and you want to meet for a showdown. I'm sorry to say, she was probably too busy for that stuff.

If she was such a bad friend (and she was) then why would you want to go at all?

I just think you wanted to reignite the drama instead of leaving it alone.

Its possible she has been jealous of your wedding, marriage, pregnancy and birth of your ds and now she has something to "show off" about, that's why she's invited you. She clearly can't see the situation as it really is herself, in her mind she's been the injured party (!) all this time and so you suggesting to meet will force her to accept what she really knows, that she has not been much of a friend to you, which is why she's turned it down,

Personally I would accept as if it's your first response (nothing over the top, just you'd love to attend), not have a conversation in advance, and on the night play it safe and be a model wedding guest (if you can) with no deep and meaningfuls. You will have a clearer picture after that if you want to continue the friendship as will she. In a way her wedding is ideal as the focus will be on that and not on your friendship, for the night, so you can judge more from afar as it were.

You also get to smooth over this thing with other friends and remain part if the group and in the loop. Also she can't whinge you were being a drama queen and turned down her invitation, "holding her to ransom with a conversation before you'd attend".

All you have to do is be nice on the night and do not under any circumstances get drawn into a conversation, just say how lovely she looks and you're glad to bevthere etc. If she gets a bit drunk and meaningful, say you'll catch up properly after the wedding.

I just get the sense its not genuine. 3 weeks before wedding? It feels like a last ditch to save herself, 'well i did invite her'. Of course i want to go but i also dont want to make a fool of myself and look desperate to be her friend when the feeling wasnt mutual. I sent a heartfelt message in response to the invite saying how i wanted to resolve things and she sends a cold message back not even acknowledging what id said, just saying ill probably see you soon at a school friend reunion? Just mixed signals surely??

Well don't you think it's possibly that she had more pressing things to attend to?

So, in summary;

She made a new friend, you didn't like this as because you have been friends for so long you think you own her.

This lead to you falling out and her not being as invested in your wellbeing as in previous years.

Rather than try to fix things you quietly seethed about it for years and then sent her a card to test whether she was prepared to go back to dancing to your tune.

She sent a guarded response.

You threw toys out of the pram because her response to your test was not absolute and unconditional surrender to you and your feelings 3 weeks before her wedding.

You want to imply her 'bad' behaviour is the cause of your mental health issues and you are already gearing up to make her responsible for further mental health issues you are going to have re her wedding and your involvement in it?

You are the one who is a problem here.

Being friends with someone for a long time means you need to expect changes to the level of closeness.

She doesn't owe you anything at all. If you don't want to be friends with her then don't.

Madmags - no not a showdown just some kind of reasonable conversation to clear the air. I get thay she will be busy and did say that in my message but 3 weeks before takes the piss surely? Im not trying to cause drama, i dont do arguments. As i said in my OP we didnt fall out over anythinf, i just stopped making thr effort as it became one sided.
I cant think that she was jealous re wedding, baby etc. She's never been bothered by either of these (shes been with her FH for 15 years), and never wanted to follow the 'norms' if that makes sense. I just think she lost interest and we had less in common. It just hurt me most as she kept in touch and close with other friends who had kids so i felt singled out
Im so confused

Honestly... in your situation... I wouldn't go. I understand other posters saying why they would. Unfortunately I don't give enough of a shit to care what some random old 'friend' thinks.

I'm sorry... but you were an after thought... she didn't want you there really, you may even be there simply to make up numbers and make her look good.

I am annoyed at her on your behalf, and if it were me (and I advise you don't do this as I often do the wrong thing in anger) I would graciously accept, say how excited I was to attend to those I knew were going, and then book a nice trip somewhere like the theatre on the same day and text apologising 2 days before, explaining that you didn't realise it was the same night. Am dreadfully sorry, and wishing them a lovely time. If only they had told you sooner!

OR... What I would advise you do...

Is to message her saying "Thank you for the invite, it is very nice of you. Have a lovely time but I really can't make it. If you are ever in the area, feel free to drop in to catch up"

Friendships die all the time. It is perfectly normal and nothing to take to heart. Move on, sorry!

Ouch Offred, i wont be asking to hold your hand at a time of crisis.....

You should swallow your pride and any residual hurt and just go to the wedding with good grace. That will be the best gift you can give her, to join her on her special day without any other demands or requests. She's got a busy few days and weeks ahead and you have to accept that you've been out of her life for a long time and are not her priority in the run-up to the wedding. But she has obviously been thinking of you or she wouldn't have invited you.
Weddings are a time of affection and goodwill and possibly it will prove a perfect opportunity to reboot your friendship. I have had a similar experience with a lifelong friend myself; we got back in touch after a relative died and have realised that life is too short for silly feuds. It will always be different now and we will never be BFFs again, but when the chips are down, I know I'd be there for her and her me.
But, crucially, you need be big about this, wipe the slate clean, forget what's happened and make this about sharing her joyous wedding rather than servicing you and your hurt feelings.

Thanks to others for your more supportive and constructive advice

The total lack of consensus from posters here is interesting!!

Do you understand that the time for 'sorting things out' was when she was pulling away?

And that whilst you seem to pride yourself on not having arguments, what you have actually done is, rather than discuss your feelings at the time, keep them to yourself and build them up into massive resentments over a long time?

That is really PA! Don't you think when she got your card she thought 'oh god, I'd forgotten about her but I still don't know what I did wrong, what does this mean now?'

So she sent you an invite. And when you said you wouldn't go to the wedding unless you had a meet up first to sort things out she probably thought 'fuck this, she's just gonna have a go at me for something I did years ago that I didn't understand then and still don't now, 3 weeks before my wedding and it's just gonna make the whole thing difficult. She hasn't bothered with me for ages, couldn't be bothered to explain to me what it was when it happened so I'm probably better off without her'?

But this isn't a crisis.

By no measure is this a crisis.

This is the wedding of someone you used to be close to but that YOU decided not to be close to anymore.

I suspect whilst you want to resolve things and work out why the friendship ended and presumably get an apology from her, this will mean her taking responsibility and blame for the wrongs she has dealt you

She however perhaps does want the friendship back but does not want any type of confrontation or long talks about why things happened and even if she does feel she was wrong about certain things doesnt want to engage in a conversation about it.

The way both of you deal with things is different and I suspect you are never going to get the closure be it good or bad about what happened because she isnt going to "behave" the way you want to about the situation. Some people like to just ignore confrontation and pretend situations never happened.

Why not just reply and wish her well for her wedding and that you look forward to catching up at the reunion. Or reply that you would love to come to her wedding.

There is no point going around in circles in your head about why and what she has done, she is not the person that you thought she was and you need to mourn for that person and decide if you want to continue a different albeit cooler relationship with the person she actually is without ever getting closure or resolution for the slights she has dealt you.

Offred i didnt reference this situation as a crisis, just that I wouldn't want someone holding my hand in a crisis who was so quick to judge and make hasty remarks rather than offer more helpful advice.

TBF i get this is MN though so to be expected

Are you sure her response doesn't mean that she just doesn't see the problem in the friendship in as big a way as you perceive it. Let the past go. Go to her wedding and enjoy seeing her happy and just see where the friendship goes naturally from there.

Why is it even an issue?

She moved on, you behaved as though you wanted to move on too. She wasn't aware that you were hurt, you never told her.

You chose her wedding as a time to reach out, she responded tentatively, you made it all about how hurt you have been for years and she shut down again.

Don't go to the wedding. Go back to not being friends, just get on with your life. Friends drift apart if neither one makes an effort to spend time together or talk. That's just how life is.

Next time if you are hurt by a friend drifting away, talk to them at the time rather than harbouring resentment for years and using events in their life to bring up years old hurts.

I don't really understand why you think you'd be unwelcome when you've been invited. If she didn't want you there she wouldn't have invited you. I think she was holding out an olive branch by inviting you (seemingly she felt that you'd stopped talking to her rather than vice versa judging by the "I didn't know how you'd feel" comment) and now feels rebuffed as you kind of turned it down. If she's 3 weeks away from the wedding she clearly isn't going to have time to meet with you beforehand. It sounds to me like you're expecting a but too much of her.

Don't go and save your self the anxiety, stress and uncertainty that this seems to be generating for you. I don't think this is a friendship anymore, and that's ok. Look forwards, and not backwards.

offred

Put the gin away you goady twat

Op, sounds like a rubbish situation, I would honestly wait and see how the dust settles after the wedding