Wedding Invite Dilema...

[Imalreadyinuse]

To cut a very long story I fell out with my BFF a few years ago. Basically we'd started to grow apart when another mutual friend latched onto her and did everything she could to exclude me and became very possessive with her. I had DS almost 5 yrs ago and my BFF drifted further. She visited once to meet him and then distanced herself further. I was the one making the effort and i eventually stopped and waited for her to get in touch but she never did, not even when my DS was rushed to hospital with pnemonia. Its since become very awkward at mutual social events and we havent really spoken. Ive missed her so much and the stress of it all really took its toll. I was struggling with my DS anyway and ended up being diagnosed with depression and anxiety - which noone apart from my DH is aware of.
My BFF got engaged last year and on hearing the news i was naturally delighted and without even thinking about it sent her a card with congratulations. I never heard anything and then in hindsight it angered me because id never heard from her and have had another DC since and moved house closer to where she lives, so clearly she didnt care to congratulate me on those occasions.
Anyway ive had a last minute invite to her wedding (less than 3 weeks), she said she wants me to attend (the evening) but wasnt sure whether to send invite as didnt understand my feelings to her (shes never asked). I was cautious as to why she'd invite me but also so excited that she wanted me to be there (id been devastated not to be invited before - she was my bridesmaid at my own wedding). I replied by text saying i wasnt sure it would be fair to either of us at this late stage (didnt want to create an atmosphere at her wedding) but would like to meet to resolve things, maybe before wedding to clear the air. I sent a long heartfelt message, 2 days later i get a nonchalent response - well you know the details if you change your mind and were probably due a reunion with school friends soon so will catch up then.
Nothinh regarding resolving our friendship, no further desire for me to attend. Im confused? Why would you send an invite so late without even expecting to meet before to clear the air or just expect me to turn up feeling rewlly uncomfortable and unwelcome? Would i be wrong in thinking shes only invited me to clear her concious and say 'well i did invite her but she declined to attend'? Im in a no win situation! Everyone thinks the sun shines out her @rse and im this horrible person who cut her off apparently and this is only going to make things worse with mutual friends. Ive been so tempted to reply and ask if this invite was just to clear he concious but my DH said that will obly make things worse which i agree with. What do i do though? I feel so foolish for ny heartfelt message, i even went and bought a card and present I felt so happy to be invited. I was devastated to get this reply from her and am worried now about falling into the same hurt and anger that contributed to my depression and anxiety.
Help! Make me see this clearly please MN

I think offred speaks utter sense tbh. Just saying it exactly as it seems to me too.

And I'm not a goady twat.

Surely you are a blatent C list invite - somebody she invited months ago (themselves an evening only invite) has pulled out and you're making up the numbers.

Is your DH invited? If it's just you, just evening then you aren't even C list as it's probably the place of somebody's +1 you're being offered. Filling the extra role doesn't merit a big 1 to 1, she probably doesn't have any friendship agenda, just wants the right number of guests on"her" side.

Decline, don't go, you're just an extra in the crowd scene.

Why did her DH block you on Facebook?

Personally, I wouldn't go.

Long ago you were good friends but so much water had gone under the bridge and you will never regain that closeness. Just move on.

Sorry to disappoint but there's no alcohol here!

Just reading of the thread!

I read as someone has asked why op hasn't been invited to her wedding as they were always good friends, and bride has invited OP to save face.

If the bride had wanted to sort out what ever the issue is between her and OP she wouldn't be inviting her to her wedding last minute she would arranging to meet somewhere they can talk.

I wouldn't go to the wedding, I would wait until the bride contacting me , I wouldn't be wasting my energy worrying or thinking about until that happen and I don't think it will after 5 years.

Something similar happened to me - I was cut out by a long term family friend, but the rest of my family were still in touch with her and her family. I did not want her at my wedding, but let my family decide what the right thing to do was - they opted to invite her to the evening do. I got a message back saying that she wanted to meet and talk things through before the wedding. No bloody way was I spending a single minute listening to her bitch at me, especially not in the run up to my wedding when I was supposed to happy.
So I sent a message back saying she was welcome to come but I did not want to meet or discuss what went wrong. She didn't come. So it was the perfect outcome for me - I did the right think by my family but did not have to tolerate her at my wedding.
So I guess I am saying YABVU if you think that in the last weeks before her wedding she is going to want to sit down with you and work it out. She just wants to focus on her wedding and be happy. If you want to bump start your friendship, go to the wedding and be happy for her. If you don't , stay away.

But it's not right to try and turn the last few weeks in the run up to her wedding into being about your friendship.

Hi I would not go. She may want you there or may have invited you to be "the good guy." Did she treat you well as a friend? She's neglected important events in your life. 3 weeks notice screams last minute to me. I wouldn't want to feel like I was an after thought. I would respectfully decline and move on.

It's not a proper invitation anyway - evening only.... I'd make a charming excuse and wish her all the best for her happy day and then leave things and see what happens. The wedding is making it feel like a short-term crisis but who gives a damn about a wedding, it's just a day (or in this case, just an evening).

I understand her drifting away from you when you were becoming a mother etc, it'll have been miles away from her life.

In a few years time you might be mates again, or maybe not. As someone said, friendships can die, it's not the end of the world - you need to have stuff in common. As two women go through the phases of life from teens to middle age, their friendship may wax and wane. You don't want to get involved in any finger-pointing or unpleasantness, really, just wait for her to join the married with kids club and maybe things can rekindle if you both want them to.

Drinkingtea/FrogFairy/Clutterbugsmum/mmm1234 all giving good advice.
In addition to what they've said - if a friend had been a bridesmaid at my wedding, I'd be expecting much better than a last minute evening invitation to hers.
She's been engaged for a year - so, sufficient time to meet up and resolve past difficulties.
Sensing hidden agenda(s) here.
Polite decline as R.S.V.P.
Stop worrying what other people think.
Keep present for yourself, or return and get your money back!

I understood it exactly the same as Offred.

There's nothing really to resolve. If she decides to spend time with another friend (and you were busy having children etc) then she's absolutely entitled to. If you decided that you didn't want to accept that, then that's your issue.

After all these years you would have thought that if you really missed her, you'd have accepted the invite,grown up and rekindled your friendship. You're making this into a drama and probably reinforcing why you broke your friendship in the first place.

Receiving a 'heartfelt message' from an ex-friend (or anyone!!) would make my blood run cold. It's just too heavy and intense and I would have ignored it too. She's making the effort but trying to keep things light. The best thing would have been to go along to the wedding - congratulate her, behave normally with her and your other friends and see how you go from there. It would have minimised this drama which is totally unnecessary IMO. But then I hate friendships that are really deep and intense and absolutely hate deep and meaningful conversations - wherever possible I'd rather just get over things instead of dredging them up.

She invited you - that is making a step.

I know you describe your message to her as heartfelt but essentially you have been asking her to clear the air during 3 weeks going up to wedding. This is not the right time to clear the air - she is busy, she is happy, she doesn't want dramatic discussions during this time.

Of course she would answer you this way, because instead of thinking of her you are thinking of your relationship with her and as a bride she just wants people to think of her.

Two choices OP, accept the invite, stop analysing the reason behind it and see it for what it is, an invitation to her wedding, sounds like you want to go, sounds like you want to make up with her but wanting a discussion now is not a good idea, she won't even be thinking about you, she will be all about her wedding now.

So, you go, enjoy and maybe say to her for the two of you to get together and resolve stuff, AFTER the dust has settled.

Or, say thanks but no thanks.

I think you are pretty bitter and are over analysing.

I totally agree with Ofred. She invited you to her wedding and then you added conditions and because she isn't agreeing with you, you're getting arsey.

The invite was her dipping a toe to test the waters but your insistence that she swims immediately just highlights the gulf between you. Three weeks before her wedding is not the time for a pow wow.

If you can't accept her invite graciously without conditions, then maybe this is the time to close door on this friendship once and for all.

Do you really want to be friends with her or do you want to be right? It sounds like emotionally, you aren't ready for anything other than a grovelling apology and there's nothing to suggest that that is on the table.