Unbearably sad, please help me understand

[Teabay]

Was divorced last year (my decision) and now live with my DC in own house.
My mental health has taken a real battering and whilst I was not well treated at least I knew where I stood.
Why am I so tearful, why is life so hard and where did my get up and go, go?
I never anticipated I would be so down.
Have any of you been here, and how did you get out? I'm lost. Am I normal?

You are perfectly normal! Divorce is in a way kind of like a bereavement (it was for me). After the initial upheaval of splitting, things settled then a few months later I fell apart. I went to see my GP and was given anti depressants, something I was initially not sure about but found a low dose to be hugely helpful in getting me back to 'me', restoring my get up and go and helping me feel more together dealing with life in general.

Be kind to yourself, take some time out for you every now and then and rest assured, it will get easier in time as you become more established in your routines, working out what's best for you, how you feel and why. I did also have a short course of counselling which I found very useful, maybe something like that would be good for you too, to be able to talk through things objectively and without judgement from others.

Hi Tea

I think what your experiencing is very normal indeed,

You have been in a stressful situation for quite a while, yet have now come out the other side
And set up home with your kids.

Because the practical stuff is more or less sorted, the emotional side now needs to be dealt with,
Your subconscious probably thinks your ready to deal with this now

Take it slow lovely and sit with the feelings as much as you can if poss try and sign up for some counselling

Everything you will feel is very like a bereavement and is normal

Sorry for sudden lack of punctuation ipad just started playing up

I have been having counselling for 18 months, it helps.
How long after did you fall apart? Was it your decision to divorce? There's no part of me that wants to go back but I'm so SAD.

Hey teabar - have you got any support around you? Good friends /family. Reach out to people and try to have a proper face to face chat.
You just sound really fed up, completely normal. What is it that you need the most right now?

You are very normal. I'd suggest speaking to someone. I'm no expert but I've found getting out and about with the people I love, rediscovering the things I love however small and random! Look after yourself!
It's difficult to put it all into words. I still have bad days but it does get easier (hello cliche!). I'll call a friend, get stuck into a tv programme or book, day out with DD (even just the park), looking up new opportunities.
"This too shall pass". You won't feel the same this time next year. Be kind to yourself. If you're really worried please see your GP.

Teabay - drinks on the brain ;)

It took me a while to build up to saying that I thought we should separate, but I'd been very unhappy for quite some time. We separated in the July, I fell apart in the November as several things came to a head, not just to do with separating. The divorce didn't actually happen until 3 years later, by which time I was a bit more 'together', although did dip quite hard when the decree absolute arrived.

There were times I questioned if I'd made the right decision, but then I remembered how unhappy I'd been and how it had been affecting the children and stuck to my guns (helped in part by exh moving on swiftly into new relationships).

You will get through it. As PP have said, you've dealt with the practical stuff and as such it's now that the emotional is coming to the surface. Acknowledge it, feel it, and little by little let it go - make a list of the things you've always wanted to do, hobbies, interests, activities with your DC and start doing them if you're not already. Build your life how you want it to be, and keep being kind to yourself too!

I'm in a comparable situation maybe. Separated one year (he left me) and I've been struggling for a good few weeks again now instigated by the looming divorce. It's sadness mainly too.

I can only reuest what others have said. Take a day at a time and try to do things that make you feel good whenever young can - whatever that may be. Have you got someone to look after the dc for a while so you can meet a friend? Getting fresh air always helps me, a lunch picnic and a chat with a friend somewhere green.

Keep going - you'll get there.

It's just when I feel I might be able to get through it I fall apart again.
I want to be invisible

Hey Tea. It's great you have been having some counselling etc.

After leaving my narc ex I was so relieved. I did get a little depressed after coming down off that so if you are feeling that way then maybe go see your GP.

I had to forgive him (really hard when you have been abused right?) to be able to move on, emotionally, it took me a while. I was also feeling sad about the life I thought I was going to have, yes a little like a bereavement.

I spent about 4 years single because I wanted to really get back to me and being comfortable in my own skin. Also hard but it comes. Being kind to yourself and taking care of your health helps.

Then now I feel like a cognitive dissonance, like it wasn't me. Because I got strong and look back and think "who was that person".

I guess what I'm trying to say is it goes in phases. But the thing is it takes time. You need to be kind to yourself, hang out with people who love you, be happy about being free from a bad situation.

Reading the book the power of now really helped me stop mulling over what happened. Big hug xxxx

All of you have written "be know be to yourself". What is it about me that I can't even understand what that means?

I meant be KIND to yourself, I can't even type...

Do you mean 'be kind to yourself'? It means don't beat yourself up for feeling low, feeling like you're not coping etc - cut yourself some slack! To give you an example, I'm a great one for berating myself for 'not coping, not being a good mum, getting stressed with the kids etc', when in reality I'm doing ok, the kids are loved and cared for, I am doing the best I can do, and given the wider family circumstances I'm in at present, I'm doing ok. I choose to be kind to myself by realising and accepting that I'm not superwoman, it's ok not to have a spotless house, and sitting on the sofa every once in a while watching some rubbish tv etc is ok. To be there for my kids, I need to take time out sometimes and put myself first, get enough rest and relax every now and then.

My counsellor said sadness comes when things end.. but remember there are far better things that lay ahead than we leave behind...

Totally agree frazzled - I think there are so many expectations on women in society and all of the different roles they play. There is a lot of pressure some of it from ourselves. I would advise that you don't think about the bigger picture at the moment - just think in small steps. A plan for tomorrow if you don't have one a little treat tonight, little things to look forward to. If you are isolated, I'm not sure from responses so far but try to meet a friend for a coffee, or make a friend and suggest a drink. Think small - you'll get through this x

Frazzled's post. Spot on.

But also...take time to have a hot shower or bath when the kids are asleep or distracted, make time to do a face mask etc. Don't feel guilty taking time out for yourself. Do a yoga class or go swimming. Buy some nice fruit. Little things.

Hi OP, I totally feel your pain. I'm not as far down the line as you are but I totally understand how you feel.
I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions in the short time I've been separated (nearly 4 months). Happy when ex first left. Devastation that he had left. Calmness.Happiness and hope again.
Now I'm going through another difficult phase as I'm due to move out of the family home soon (had to sell) and into a rented house with the kids. I suspect another difficult phase to come .
I even went out last Friday night and got quite drunk, and had a total meltdown on the Saturday. I sometimes just can't predict how I'm going to feel.
You are perfectly normal and you are NOT alone.

That is so true and so very reassuring CharlieBoo

My husband walked out two and a half years ago. Things are much better now. One lesson I've (begrudgingly at times) learned is that you cannot hurry through the grieving process. One baby step at the time with the occasional brave giant stride for good measure.

Thanks everyone. Yes, it's the unpredictability of how I'm going to feel that's so hard for me.
Today I woke up and went for a walk with DC and someone special, it was great. This afternoon I crashed and spent most of it on the sofa wanting to sleep / disappear.
Sometimes I feel like I can't even cope with my DC and that I'm doing a terrible job, that they'll be suffering because I've changed their lives. When I can get perspective I know that they've just had brilliant school reports, doing really well, exceeding academically and have had 100% attendance even over the past horrible homeless year, but then I crash again.
Fck me I just can't get it together

Teabay, I know exactly how you feel. It's great that you're having counselling, it does help being able to talk openly about things with someone not involved in some way. Please do consider seeing your GP for another chat if you feel it appropriate - you may find that having a course of anti-depressants helps lift you a little. They're not a 'quick fix', nor is there anything wrong in taking them, they help take the edge off things for a bit, giving you some breathing space to get things together. I'm on 20mg of citalopram again, and it really has helped me feel more in control again and less prone to deep dips in mood.

I've managed to avoid ADs so far through all of this - I think I'd rather feel sht, know I'm feeling sht and then recognise when I'm feeling better again than mask these feelings / emotions. I think that because I was in an EA marriage for so long it's normal not to feel anything.
Now I'm feeling EVERYTHING and I hate it.

I get where you're coming from, I was of much the same mindset. However when I realised that because I was feeling so rubbish, I was starting to avoid spending time with my children, bursting into tears for no reason/over stupid insignificant stuff and generally crawling through the day on some kind of auto-pilot I knew I had to do something.

A low dose of AD doesn't stop you feeling anything, I have days where I'm a bit down, but I'm now able to see that it won't last, that I can do something about it. They've also helped me be far less 'stressy' - when I was having a lousy day pre-AD I would lose it with the kids waaaaayyy too quickly, and get irritated by minor squabbles and so on (I have 3 boys). Now I'm able to stay calm (most of the time!) and not go bonkers over the inevitable squabble about who sits where in the car etc....

To give a little more background as to my decision to go back on them, I've had a run of ill health with my youngest DS which caused some major friction between me and my EXH (put a stop to that with a firmly worded letter reminding him of the contact agreement we had and his responsibilities towards the children - looking back I now see that he was EA to a degree), I'm currently unemployed and struggling to find work that I can fit around my family, my dad has terminal cancer, my mum whilst significantly recovered from her illness is finding things hard going having her lost her mum earlier in the year, worrying about her dad and of course supporting my dad and as my brother and his family now live 2 hours away, I'm the one taking dad to hospital appointments etc (my brother's business also went under at the start of the year leaving him and his family in a precarious position for a while). Since being on the tablets again, I feel far better placed to deal with the above, and as such am able to enjoy the good moments that come in amongst it all, and recognise that some of it is undeniably horrible at times, but not entirely insurmountable.

As my first health visitor told me 11 years ago, sometimes you have to put yourself first and make sure you're ok and looking after yourself, after all if you're not, then you're not able to be there for those people that need you, namely your children.

for you.

How are you today Teabay?

Hi, much better thank you. It scares me where my brain can put me.
Thank you x

It's a horrible feeling and I really understand the wanting to be invisible thing , almost as if you don't want to be anybody at all. It will pass though , gradually, almost unnoticably. I think we expect ourselves to wake up one day and everything to be suddenly ok, but it takes time.