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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

You are all so right about coercive control

43 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 31/07/2017 22:15

I've mentioned on here for years my husband's strange sexual behaviour and general attitudes.

He has now gone to a solicitor to write a letter saying I have to move out of my house within a week because I am abusive and I kicked him. He recently got me arrested for apparently punching him. I am going to my solicitor tomorrow. I am horrified by his crushing desire to cause harm. When I was in custody I said to the solicitor that I really don't think I punched my husband, and he said they wanted me to get out so it was easier just to accept that my hand had met part of him. I have certainly never kicked him. Ever. I am horrified that he is lying in order to cause harm. The police asked me to make a statement and today I have been to see the WA person at the police station. I have also taken my children and myself to the gp, and will have to go again because one of my daughters is really suffering. If I am made to move out of my home, my children and other family will not be safe. I will be making a video statement which I dread, which will then be passed to the CPS.

My husband has form in telling me I have done to him what he has done to me. I have never sexually assaulted him and nor have I called him a cunt and worse. I have never been vitriolic towards his family or friends and I have never insisted on being right all the time.

He controls the family money, although he doesn't tell me what to spend. I am very low maintenence anyway.

He has behaved appallingly to one of our children, and I fear that if he wasn't using me to vent his vitriol it would be her next. He has told me he's not a monster. Hmm

Just venting. It's very frightening being here.

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Offred · 31/07/2017 22:52

Ok, I've recently gone through reporting coercive control, prepare for the investigation to be lengthy and the police to be very busy and not much contact after the video statement.

Make sure you talk about everything, if there are other charges that come out then they will arrest him for everything. Say everything even if it doesn't seem relevant.

You need to phone NCDV for civil law orders keeping him away from you as usually he will be out on police bail for months while the police investigate.

With coercive control they will usually want to process yours or his phone. In my case my ex said some crap about not knowing where his was so the police had to take mine - give them yours if necessary.

Also coercive control is new and police forces and the cps are still getting to grips with how to prosecute this so they will be looking at any other offences they could arrest him for. After my video statement the police arrested him for several offences, advised that coercive control was difficult, and took my phone in may but it hasn't even been processed yet due to cuts so is essential you get civil orders to keep him away from you and out of the house.

EasyToEatTiger · 01/08/2017 07:42

Thank you Offred. I will ask the solicitor today. WA told me yesterday that I could present posts from here as a form of communication of what has been going on. I have printed out several. I think I have been in some kind of denial.

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cheapskatemum · 01/08/2017 07:58

Thinking of you EasyToEat. What you are going through is awful, but keep your eye on the prize. At the end of all this you and DCs will be free of this utter arsewipe. Flowers

EasyToEatTiger · 01/08/2017 19:56

The meeting with the solicitor was good and my husband cannot throw me out of the house that simply. She also thought I ought to make a video interview, and the IDVA womens' aid woman is in touch with the PC involved, so hopefully that will happen soon. At the moment the odds are against me as I have a caution against my name for punching. The solicitor said that my posts from here, MN, if nothing else, showed that the abuse had been going on for a long time. I asked what would happen if the CPS decided not to prosecute and she said I'd be where I was now. If we go the simple route, everything is split in half and we go our separate ways. That is the cheapest and most obvious option. I don't think my husband will allow me that. Over the years I have asked and suggested and he has called me a coward and pathetic and worse.

I have been told to catalogue my husband's behaviour. There have been too many times when I have just given up and haven't thought to post. I hope nobody here will mind too much if I post, if nothing else, to keep a record. It is very helpful that everything is dated and timestamped. I think the sexual assault might be something my husband is caught up in if nothing else. I don't know. At the moment it feels scary to have to sell the house and find somewhere new. At the moment my husband has the upper hand.

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TeenyW123 · 01/08/2017 20:06

Hi Easy

This is your thread. Use it to rant/sound off/ put your thoughts in order.

Use it as a time line for what happens from now on, and for when you remember some of the awful things he's done.

Get it off your chest.

It's YOUR thread.

X

EasyToEatTiger · 01/08/2017 20:32

I am drinking wine tonight. For the best of the past fortnight, I have been relying on diazepam so this is my first evening, even with the vague thought that I have a hope of recovering my life back. I can barely describe what a relief it is to understand that I cannot be thrown out of my home by the weekend. My husband was telling me and telling me to read the letter from his solicitor. I regarded it as a threat, which indeed it is, and I still haven't read it. The WA woman has, and so has my solicitor. They are my spokespeople.

I have also been told to carry on life as normal. My husband threatened me with his solicitor's letter when I told him I was busy on Friday. He expected me to be moving out. I am not telling him what is going on. I just hope the peace will last until I have made the interview, and then it is a case of waiting. Fuck. It's not fun. I don't even hate him.

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Offred · 01/08/2017 21:18

Try to keep the wine drinking to a minimum as it will affect your mood.

Bear in mind that there is a real difference between civil and criminal law. Criminal law requires somebody be found guilty beyond reasonable doubt. Civil law is on the balance of probabilities.

So yes, she's right if the cps decide not to prosecute then you will be back where you are in terms of the criminal law avenues, but the civil remedies (based on a balance of probabilities) are unaffected by this - a non-molestation order and/or an occupation order re the house specifically.

EasyToEatTiger · 01/08/2017 23:07

Wise words, Offred, Thank You. My solicitor is dealing with the civil case. She, as the Seargents on Duty, The Solicitor on Duty, The Mental Health Nurse on Duty, have all told me I need to make a statement. I have been told unequivally that I should make a video statement. I will be stating a crime against my husband, not a civil unrest. It is without question thahe has used me as a tool for masterbation

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Travelledtheworld · 01/08/2017 23:16

Flowers For you Easy stay strong and sober, you know your Mumsnet sisters will be with you.

Offred · 01/08/2017 23:42

Yes, it is certainly in your interests to make a video statement. As soon as you are able IMO. It's really not as difficult as you might fear. It is just you talking in your own words about what happened. They won't ask you much, they aren't allowed to direct you just to ask specific questions for clarity.

Be prepared that if there are sexual offences they will need to hear as much detail as you can recall. Where, when, what, how, and they may ask questions about consent but that is not because they don't believe you, it's because the issue of consent is going to be brought up in his defence if it ever goes to court and the more that is in the video statement the less you will need to be cross examined over if it goes that far.

If you don't remember anything just say that you don't remember, don't try to guess. They reassured me that was fine.

I found making the video statement very empowering, it was obviously difficult to do, it was helpful that the police did it very quickly after the report and were very good at explaining everything to me beforehand.

Try to ask questions about the CPS's attitudes to charges and general info about the result of that particular force's other similar investigations, timescales, evidence gathering, who you can talk to, what you can say about it, what they plan to do and when in terms of arresting/interviewing him, whether he'll be bailed with or without conditions, other procedural things. If these things are the questions that you'll ponder in the middle of the night (they are for me). I get panic attacks now when the police call because I've had to squash it all down and avoid thinking about it but they rarely call.

I've found the gap after arrest and bail for the investigation to be much harder than the video statement or the report because it has dragged on with no news and considerable anxiety for me.

I've told my ISVA I don't want to see her as having no news and being reminded of it was making it harder - you don't have to see the ISVA/IDVA if that makes things worse, they will be at the other end of the phone for if you need them.

Do whatever works to get you through the statement and investigation. Even if no charges are brought reporting and his arrest will put him into the system and is you advocating for yourself, you don't have any control over whether he will actually face charges or be found guilty because that's not down to whether or not he's done anything wrong but whether there is sufficient proof.

The real benefit you can get is the feeling of empowerment you get from acting in your own best interests and to stand up for yourself by reporting it and supporting the investigation.

EasyToEatTiger · 02/08/2017 10:51

I will print this thread. I have already printed out several threads about this and left them with the solicitor. Thank you so much. Your support is so much valued. It really is.

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EasyToEatTiger · 02/08/2017 17:18

My husband has given up his computer project on the basis that he can't concentrate. He will be on the rampage to blame someone for his lack of concentration. On a regular basis he starts a project (usually expensive) and expects the people to come flooding to him. He gets disillusioned and moves onto the next thing. Recently he bought a guitar (££££ which he claims not to have). No attempt yet to find a teacher or anyone to play with. Little practice, yet slating me for starting to learn a musical instrument for my 50th birthday. All this crap is making it hard to practice, but I love playing and love the challenge of learning something really new to me, and I love playing in a band, even though most of the time I am pretending. Some really good work things have been happening to me this year, and I am being asked to make work for shows. It still isn't bringing me an income, but it does get me out of the house and talking to people, and for a rare time in my life, being taken seriously.

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EasyToEatTiger · 05/08/2017 10:13

I am keeping a notebook of things I remember. I really don't know if this will be any use whatsoever. I dread the plop of the post on the floor in case it makes my husband rage. His rages are planned. And he lies. I have defended him through one of his rages.
I guess pacifying would be another way of putting it. It was noted by family that he has a filthy temper and loses it. Becomes out of control.

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cheapskatemum · 11/08/2017 21:23

Hope you're ok, Tiger as it's Friday evening and he expected you to move out today

EasyToEatTiger · 11/08/2017 22:09

Still here. My solicitor seems to think there is enough evidence to serve him with a non mol and occupation order next week. This is absolutely not what I wanted. I will have to keep the valium for when I really need it. I was horrified when I realised he'd taken the keys for the safe. He also locked me out of the filing cabinet containing all the family stuff including my mother's POA documents. I had to ask him for the key for that. I asked him if I could find the key for the safe in the usual place and he said he had it in his pocket.

SS told me that they would be speaking to him about the incident. Dear Lord.

I have no idea who the family court will believe. What an effing waste of time and money. Justice and the Law are separate entities. I would prefer to keep my money to look after my family than spend it defending myself against a tosser (literally)

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cheapskatemum · 13/08/2017 19:02

Can you voice your concerns to WA? I ask because my local WA counsellor was more used to domestic violence incidents, rather than coercive control.

EasyToEatTiger · 13/08/2017 19:08

I have a representative at WA and and IVDA at the police station. The situation is more about CC than actual violence.

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EasyToEatTiger · 13/08/2017 20:07

I am beginning to feel quite annoyed at my husband for being such a stupid twat. He has given no thought to the children. He is the one who has stormed out of the house more than once. He has condoned the violence of our daughter against her mother. He has called me a coward and god only knows what else when I have said I want the relationship to end. He calls it affection when he has used me as a wanking accessory and has failed categorically to accept any responsiblility that I don't like it.

He is a man with a crime number by his name. All this mess is his doing.

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stupidcoldfeet · 13/08/2017 20:19

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.
I just wanted to suggest if you are using these threads like you say, you may wish to consider whether you include comments about alcohol or medication.
Flowers

EasyToEatTiger · 13/08/2017 20:45

I understand, stupidcoldfeet. I am working directly with WA now.

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EasyToEatTiger · 14/08/2017 12:48

I've seen the social worker with the children. When oh bloody when am I going to do this video statement? I feel a bit abandoned. It's really shit with all this going on in August. Everyone is on holiday! It's not a nice thing to wait for.

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cheapskatemum · 14/08/2017 13:56

Stay strong! We're here for you. Feel free to vent. Flowers

EasyToEatTiger · 14/08/2017 21:15

I went to see my solicitor today. I told her that I was feeling less afraid at the moment and far more angry. My husband's allegations against me are false. There is no way I want my children to be brought up by a man who condones violence against me, calls me a cunt, uses me as though I am a prostitute, thinks it's fine to blame and criticise me for anything and everything, hides keys from me.... Then bloody well eats the food I prepare. FFS. Grrrrrrrrr

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EasyToEatTiger · 15/08/2017 17:43

Today my husband is behaving as though nothing has happened. Of course I can drive 'his' car when I need to. He has been hiding the keys of it for weeks. Everything, everything is about him. I have been speaking to my dd about boundaries and asked her to be very careful about the word, assume. My husband assumes everything, including my magical ability to read his mind.

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EasyToEatTiger · 15/08/2017 22:12

I spoke too soon. Just home from band practice with my daughter. Lit a fag and he marched out, saying nothing. Passive aggression in motion. He has a fine habit of passive aggression. The real difference this time is that I really don't care. He has made his feelings about me over the years abundantly clear. Perhaps it is me who is being passive aggressive and he recognised that I really actually don't want him in the room?

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