Do I post on my blog how to escape an abusive relationship?

[user1498060624]

Hi all,

I was living in an abusive relationship for 3 years. I went through emotional and physical abuse and we ended up by him pushing me out of the house, throwing me in the car and driving me miles away and leaving me there. I couldn't walk back home or walk to the city so I called a friend and she picked me up. He also disposed my stuff in the fields and I had to pick them up.

Today he texted me talking shit and I asked him if he'd ever apologise for whatever he has done in this relationship and if he will acknowledge the contribution his mother and brother had into breaking us up. Not only he doesn't recognise his mistakes and apologise but he is also telling me off and cursing me when I remind him who his family is and how they haven't apologized either!

The question is, do I post on my blog 'how to escape from an abusive relationship', let all my readers know who he and his family is, expose him and share all of my tips on escaping such a situation?

What do you do in my case?
Thanks in advance for your time.

Why are you requesting an apology? You need to stop talking to him as he is just playing with you. You need to block him on every method of contact. And stop asking for an apology.

I am going through such tough times all I want to hear is that he regrets what he has done to me and my life. I quit my job because of him, I move countries because of him. It's so difficult to believe for 3 years I was living an outopia!

Walk away. Don't expect an apology, you will probably never get one. The best revenge is a happy life. If you can build hopes and dreams without this man, and genuinely move on, then ironically this is the time when he will realise what he has done - and by this time you won't care any more.

He was/is abusive: unrealistic to think he - or his family - will "see the light" and apologise.

No contact would be best. Have you tried the Freedom Programme?

If you want to help other women going through it there are better ways to do it than blogging. Blogging could create risks for you.

If you want emotional support about what happened, turn to kind friends or a counsellor.

Why would he apologise?

He felt entitled to behave the way he did and he benefited from it. He's not going to suddenly see that it is wrong to benefit from abusing you.

Not sure where publishing things on your blog comes in in relation to the apology unless you are hoping it will PA motivate him to 'see the light'?

It won't. Best case scenario it will help you move on and it won't provoke him to further abuse you. Worst case scenario it will aggravate him further and drag you back in.

@RelentlesslyPositive you are absolutely right! A happy life is the best revenge. But it will take me years to go through what I have experienced with him. So I am not hard on myself and I dont expect me to be all happy smiles and butterflies within just a couple of months post breakup.

@Loopytiles I still believe a blog post will be better since it will expose their real faces. They will never apologise. It takes morals and intelligence to apologise and they are lacking all of these. But a blog post will tell the world who they are and then let the people judge them for what they have done in my life. Thats more than an apology!

why does it matter what other people think? As dr seuss said, those who matter will already believe you, and those who don't don't matter. Not worth the risk of an aggressive response from your ex, his family or friends.

You are just going to make yourself look like a loony IMO. 'Make other people see what they are like'.... no, you will make yourself a target for him and his family and friends....

If you want ppl to know what he is like in order to protect people who come in contact with him in the future make a police report.

@Offred I had made a police report and our case went to the court the first time he physically abused me.

Then let it lie. If it has been in court you need to be very careful what you say.

If you want to write a blogpost keep in general and don't bring his family into it.

@Loopytiles You are right. But I want revenge for everything he has done to me. None of his friends is aware of whatever has happened because he would never have the balls to tell them!

Are you back near YOUR friends and family now?

@Offred but the reason why we broke up is also because its his family's fault... They knew about the abuse but never stopped it or educated their son!

What can they do to me? I am leaving the country and their son was all over my blog so people ask me all the time why we broke up and when which needs to be addressed...

@Loopytiles No, I am leaving in a week's time. Sadly I couldnt get cheaper tickets so I stayed in the same city for a month eduring the situation. Even more sad I have no friends here or any kind of network support which drives me crazy. Mumsnet is my only way of occupying myself...

Well, no, it doesn't 'need to be addressed'. You don't have to answer people about your private life. You can choose to if you want to.

I think your expectation that his family should have 'educated' him or stopped him abusing you is irrational. I think you want to blog about his family to keep some form of contact with him and the drama of the abusive relationship TBH.

It's natural to an extent, coming out of an abusive relationship is like coming off heroin. What you have a responsibility for re your blog is to do no harm. No further harm to yourself and not publish things irresponsibly that others in abusive relationships may read and act on.

Give it time if you want to write about it IMO. Do not write about it when your head is still messed up and your primary motive is to damage him/his family - it will do nothing but cause you misery.

You have done more than enough in reporting him and going to court.

More than enough.

Thank you @Offred, I very much appreciate your response and I can see why you are right.

You are free of him. Allow yourself the benefit of living as though you are free of him.

The correct status for him to have in your life is that of a nobody who means nothing to you. If you have to fake it for a while to keep you off his abusive rollercoaster then fake it.

Are you the poster who was obsessing about revenging on and hurting her ex boyfriend's mother and brother? If yes, you NEED to get some medical help. You are not mentally healthy - I know you think you are justified, but you are not behaving at all normally.

If you secretly think that Mumsnet is wrong, then please go ahead with your blog plan or whatever. At least that will get you the medical attention that you need albeit by an unpleasant and indirect route.

Okay, so it hasn't been long since all this happened to you, and you are still hurting and angry. Don't stick your head above the parapet and put yourself at further risk emotionally until you have done a lot more healing and a lot more time has passed.

I know what I'm talking about, I have been through this. Forgiveness seems impossible in the early days, but actively deciding to forgive and move on will be incredibly helpful in helping you to recover. What happened to you was very wrong, and there is no excuse for it, but if you stay damaged and angry then your ex keeps on winning.

These days, I feel ever so sorry for my abusive ex and his messed up family. They are so trapped in conflict and bitterness that they have no joy in life. All their relationships are unhealthy and unproductive, they are constantly unhappy and unfulfilled and they don't even understand why. I may have been through some hard times, but now i have a new life with a new partner and a wonderful blended family. My ex is homeless and destitute, and hasn't seen his kids in over two years.

Hi @Haffiana yes this is me. I went to the GP and I wasn't prescribed any medicine, so even though you and me agree that I am not happy and mentally healthy no one can do something about it.

I am going to counselling once per week but it has not been helpful anyway.

I never said that mumsnet commenters are wrong. The only time I didn't listen is when people accuse you for no reason or when they are being heavily critical as if they know your life and who you are..

@RelentlesslyPositive Your previous situation sounda awful and I am so GLAD to know life has turned for the best!!!

My ex and his family are not that messed up but my life has turned messy because they didnt acknowledge their mistakes and apologise and try to resolve things.

You are right, it will take time to forgive them but I have to do it for my own good. Some days I wake up and I am alright and I forgive them, some other days I have demons in my head and I hate them and wish them death.

Life feels lonely and I hate myself, but I will soon go home and everything will be forgotten (I hope).
It will take me ages to go back to my feet and forget him and unlove him and decide to date again. And this time I will be very careful and suspicious with people-do they really love me or they pretend they do?-but I suppose I have to do it for my own good.

OP have you told your GP that you are having thoughts about wishing them dead, and that the thoughts won't go away?