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Relationships

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Original poster

Would it bother you if your partner didn't have any friends?

47 replies

Bluepansies · 31/07/2017 08:46

ExDP and I have been split up for a few months now. I ended it because I just didn't feel enough for him but have been reflecting and of the things that bothered me was that he didn't have any friends whatsoever. He wasn't socially awkward, in fact quite the opposite, probably more at-ease and chatty in company than I am but for some reason he just didn't have any friends. I couldn't really fault him as a partner to be honest, he didn't do anything wrong I just wasn't that into him for a reason I couldn't explain. So him not having friends wasnt a big reason that we split, possibly just something that I thought was a bit odd.

I suppose I just can't really relate to it because although I'm not someone that has lots of friends, I do have four or five very close friends who mean a lot to me and I make a lot of effort (which is reciprocated by them) to maintain my friendships. I'd be pretty lost and miserable without my friends so I find it hard to understand why someone not only doesn't have any but doesn't seem particularly bothered by this.

Is it something that would bother you or that you would find odd in a partner? Or would it not really be an issue for you?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 31/07/2017 08:51

Depends what you mean by friends. Some people are more gregarious and outgoing and other departmentalise more. They might count their work colleagues as friends but not actually spend time with them outside of work (fair enough, you see them enough during the week without choice).

Original poster

Bluepansies · 31/07/2017 08:53

He actually wasn't even friendly with any colleagues. The only people he would ever speak to apart from me was his dad and two brothers. And he's not particularly close to them even!

OP posts:

Postagestamppat · 31/07/2017 08:54

I don't have any friends. It upsets me and it would upset me even more if I was judged for it by my partner.

If someone was extroverted and enjoyed a good social life, I could see how it may be a problem. But honestly, empathy is a more important trait for me.

Shoxfordian · 31/07/2017 08:54

Yeah I would think it was strange if a man had no friends. I think it shows he has trouble forming relationships

ShotsFired · 31/07/2017 08:58

Depends what you mean by friends.

I have one person I would call a good friend, but she lives quite far away so we don't see each other very often.

I have several more who I know, but I don't have a best friend, and I don't really have anyone else I would call for a casual drink or meetup.

But I am also very comfortable in my own company, and my OH kind of dropped into that by accident. I do worry he thinks like you do as he is much more gregarious than me, but day to day, I am happy being a homebird by myself.

I do sometimes wish I had that best friend though and its quite sad I don't, but it's a bit late now - everyone else has filled that vacancy!

Original poster

Bluepansies · 31/07/2017 08:59

Postage I'm sorry if anything about my post upset you - the fact that you're bothered by not having friends though I do understand. I completely get that it can be hard to make friends, especially as an adult and I wouldn't judge someone for that at all. I suppose it's more the fact that he doesn't have any and is completely unbothered by that, I just can't relate to that.

OP posts:

Sittingonthefence83 · 31/07/2017 09:00

My partner doesn't have any male friends. He's an introvert but not shy and doesn't have any problems interacting with people, in fact he's very socially aware and emotionally intelligent. He simply chooses that he's happier without them and quite likes alone time.

He used to have friends when he was younger but just found them 'hassle'.

Each to their own I would say....

If someone is happier without them then fine, possibly a different issue if a man actually wanted to have friends and couldn't/was unable to form relationships.

HoHoHoHo · 31/07/2017 09:01

I think that your partner not having friends could put pressure on the relationship as you would be the only one they are close to. It could also lead to resentment if one had an active social life and the other was stuck at home.

Sittingonthefence83 · 31/07/2017 09:04

Just to add.....it doesn't bother me in the slightest that my partner doesn't have any friends, he's definitely not reliant on me, BUT if he was reliant then I agree it could cause problems in a relationship.

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 31/07/2017 09:04

Don't think it's odd. Maybe he got let down too many times.
My dp has friends but from his teenage years - he might only see them once a month.
He's had so called friends in the area but they all took advantage of his good nature so he got pissed off and fell out.
Rightly so!
He's lost trust in ppl I think and will tall to his work mates but still thinks they're Eejits.
He's my best friend and I am his.
I do have other friends who I go out with but don't see them that much. They're working while I'm a sahm.
I got taken advantage of too and am more cautious meeting new ppl.

RainyApril · 31/07/2017 09:05

I suppose it depends on the circumstances because I can think of some scenarios whereby a person might understandably lack friends.

IME men are not as likely to maintain long distance friendships that require effort, or to be active on social networking.

I can see how someone might move for work, lose touch with old friends but find it difficult to make new ones.

People who moved a lot as a child, or were bullied at school, or who had difficult home lives, may not have old school/uni friends.

Not everyone will have time for hobbies, or find friendships through work - maybe working with a much older/younger team or being a different gender to the majority.

For introverts, building a friendship group might be a low priority or hard to maintain.

He may have had a close group who fell out, but he doesn't want to go into detail.

If there was no obvious reason - antisocial behaviour or unsavoury habits - I don't think it would bother me.

Guccibelt · 31/07/2017 09:09

I know what you mean. I had an ex with no friends (well he had one but he fell out with him.) He had no social life whatsoever outside me i.e. no gym, no work do, nothing. On his days off he would drive aimlessly around waiting for me to finish work. It was awful, really smothering. For me it's important to be with someone with a full life otherwise they can be too dependent on you.

Btw he turned very nasty when we broke up and I do think he just wasn't a very nice person. Very fun and outgoing on the surface but actually an angry jealous man.

Slimthistime · 31/07/2017 09:13

Yes
I think it's partly that I wouldn't want to feel like I was their only source of support and attention
I def wouldn't want them encroaching on the insufficient time I have with my own friends
And, bit of my own paranoia here, but having been ill a lot, friend support is crucial. If they were ill or injured a heavy burden would fall on just one person.

ChilliMary · 31/07/2017 09:14

All people are different. You get people who have loads and loads of friends, and the others that have only a few, and then the individuals who don't have any. Some people just enjoy their own company, their solitude. Maybe you were his best friend? Friendships can be hard work, some times. Maybe he had bad experiences of people, in the past and he can't be bothered. I actually don't see anything wrong with that. Each to their won.

user1497997754 · 31/07/2017 09:16

I moved to a village 11 years ago and have not made any friends...the ones who could have been had so much negativity in thier lives I found it exhausting so I choose not to go out of my way to make any. I am quite happy with my hubby and our 2 dogs I speak to my mum and daughter and see them occasionally. I actually prefer my own company and don't want to waste any of my time making small talk with people who I can't relate to or are just hard work to be around

loveka · 31/07/2017 09:24

It depends on the person.

An ex of mine had no friends at all. The reason was that no one liked him. He was selfish and misogynistic. He would meet people and get on with them but as soon as they got to know him they would distance themselves from him.

I should have seen this of course, but I was very blinkered and thought I loved him. Looking back, I had found it odd at the start that he had no friends and I should have seen that as a real warning sign.

Fairylea · 31/07/2017 09:26

I am the opposite. I have no friends really, I enjoy chatting online here but I don't like the pressure and expectations of friendships. I enjoy being able to turn the forum off and go to bed... I don't like going out with other people. I'm an introvert and always have been. I do have several people who try to be friends with me - mainly because of the dc- and I keep in touch with them in a very disconnected way and the odd times they've suggested doing something together I've made excuses hoping they'd get the message that I actually don't want that kind of friendship with them.

Thankfully dh is exactly the same!

I'd find it really uncomfortable and difficult if my dh was like you with close friends. I'd hate to have people coming round etc. I'd feel really on edge.

WhichJob · 31/07/2017 09:42

My DH doesn't have any proper friends. He is sociable but it just isn't a priority for him. People will ask him to go to things - to see bands etc- and he just isn't interested. He plays a sport regularly and has people he chats to there and he sees his brother occasionally. His uni friends scattered around the world and he is divorced and lost touch with all the couples friends he had then. I do feel like it is down to me to bring the socialising to our lives - I'm the one who drives the meet ups/barbecues etc with 'my' friends but he is just happy in his own company. If I go out for the day he will play his sport and get a takeaway by himself and watch his sport on TV and that is a perfect day for him! I have learnt to accept it.

WhichJob · 31/07/2017 09:44

Oh and he would never stop me seeing my friends, I go out a couple of times a week even if it is just for a coffee at the weekend. He has a similar amount of time free from the DC at his hobby so it evens out. Seeing my friends is my hobby!

TheNaze73 · 31/07/2017 09:44

I agree with slimthistime

FoofFighter · 31/07/2017 09:50

I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for having no real friends. Just as I wouldn't judge anyone for having lots of friends. It's not any indication on wether a person is a good person or not. Some of the most toxic people I know have a plethora of followers.

WhichJob · 31/07/2017 09:50

I also think DH isn't great in a 'pack' type group. He is tee total and doesn't like the misogyny that can sometimes come from those groups, not all of course, but I think that has been his experience sometimes. For example we went to a couples evening in our village and the men spent a lot of time talking about which women they would like to fuck that weren't their wives! I heard part of this conversation so I know DH wasn't exaggerating. And I don't think that is really his style. And I don't think it was for a lot of the other men there either. So perhaps DH just hasn't found the right people to be friends with as an adult!

TartanDMs · 31/07/2017 09:52

DH doesn't have any friends, other than me. He had drinking buddies when we met but they weren't true friends, and now the club has closed and we have moved house he doesn't see them. It doesn't bother me - he socialises with my family and my parents' friends. I don't have the sort of friends i would go out with regularly either, I have a couple of school friends who I speak to online and meet up with every once in a while but because we live in different places it can be tricky.

We are both very introverted and don't really have time or energy to keep up friendships. It doesn't make DH any less attractive to me and I hope he would say the same about me.

Onecutefox · 31/07/2017 10:02

My DH doesn't go out other than with his colleagues occasionally when they have a business talk in a restaurant. That doesn't bother me at all.
I go out for coffee with a few mums I am friends with. That's it. It doesn't bother him.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 31/07/2017 10:33

It's a bit of a sore subject for me because I could be seen as "having trouble forming relationships" as Shoxfordian thinks. But the reasons I don't have as many friends/the close network of friends/a "bestie" is for numerous reasons...

My friends and I have moved around the country, even to other countries, and life has moved on.

I'm an introvert (a non-shy and sociable one though - can talk to anyone) and I don't crave the company of other humans. Therefore I'm not as motivated as perhaps extroverts or lonely people to make an effort to increase my social circle.

When I was younger (and prettier) I managed to get male friends easily but over time it appeared they had ulterior motives, and the friendship died as soon as they realised I wasn't interested in them sexually. Or when they got married.

Typically the people I meet and hit it off with either live nowhere near me or our calendars never tally so it's virtually impossible to meet and form a good friendship. They also tend not to be on social media which compounds the problem.

I'm self employed (sole trader) so no chance of forming friendships at work.

As I don't have children (and have no interest in them), there's no opportunity to form friendships at school gates or kids' clubs (although reading many posts on here there that's probably not a bad thing!).

I have lots of interests and am never reliant on boyfriends or friends for entertainment.

After all that I'm off for lunch with a friend today so I'm not a complete saddo

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