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Relationships

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Original poster

Would it bother you if your partner didn't have any friends?

47 replies

Bluepansies · 31/07/2017 08:46

ExDP and I have been split up for a few months now. I ended it because I just didn't feel enough for him but have been reflecting and of the things that bothered me was that he didn't have any friends whatsoever. He wasn't socially awkward, in fact quite the opposite, probably more at-ease and chatty in company than I am but for some reason he just didn't have any friends. I couldn't really fault him as a partner to be honest, he didn't do anything wrong I just wasn't that into him for a reason I couldn't explain. So him not having friends wasnt a big reason that we split, possibly just something that I thought was a bit odd.

I suppose I just can't really relate to it because although I'm not someone that has lots of friends, I do have four or five very close friends who mean a lot to me and I make a lot of effort (which is reciprocated by them) to maintain my friendships. I'd be pretty lost and miserable without my friends so I find it hard to understand why someone not only doesn't have any but doesn't seem particularly bothered by this.

Is it something that would bother you or that you would find odd in a partner? Or would it not really be an issue for you?

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 31/07/2017 10:51

It would bother me but then I'm a very sociable person. I like all my husband's friends. Some men are loners and they can still be very good partners without being wildly sociable and having lots of mates. But I fear it would make the relationship a bit narrow, and make my partner more dependent on me. I think it's good for both partners to be able to go off and do things with their friends separately.

Isetan · 31/07/2017 12:00

Tbh it sounds like you are looking for reasons after the fact, as to why you broke up with him. You weren't into him, that's reason enough to end the relationship, looking for justifications is just .

RedStripeSorry · 31/07/2017 13:01

Yes it's bothered me in the past. When I met dh he was incredibly popular and had a big friendship group which shrunk and shrunk over the years till he just had random pub acquaintances who I didn't particularly like. It made him reliant on me being always around and in standby to entertain him and he put pressure on me to not see my friends so much and would do the angry/sulk thing till I started neglecting my friendships too.

Things changed and he's actually starting to see friends again and we have people to stay and I go out without him more now.

If someone is truly happy in their own company then I don't see a problem but if they want you to always be there to be their friend on standby it can be overwhelming.

demirose87 · 31/07/2017 13:25

I've got a few friends I keep in contact with but none I'm really close to anymore. I did have a best friend till recently but I cooled off the friendship as she was exhausting me, wanting to speak on the phone three hours every night and come and sit in my house till 3 in the morning. She always used to say we need to " make time for each other". I think it's about priorities sometimes. I'm pregnant with my fourth child and living with my partner, she's single with no kids and still goes out socialising a lot, whereas my family comes first. So she prioritises friendships where I prioritise family. I think some friendships do sometimes fall by the wayside when changes happen in life and keeping up with friends can be hard work so I say each to their own.

notberrysure · 31/07/2017 13:32

Dh doesn't have a lot of friends. He has an old best friend who lives abroad and he sees about once a year, and a couple of old school friends that he has a drink with once in a blue moon if someone else arranges it. I don't think he's made a new friend in the whole time we have been together so about 12 years. He is quiet, happy in his own company and polite and chatty when he does meet people - he just doesn't have a massive desire for friendship. It doesn't bother me at all that he's like this, it's just part of his personality.
I find friendships difficult to make in adulthood and wish I had more friends but I see the ones I do have as often as I can

notsoloudmrblessed · 31/07/2017 14:38

NC for this. My family moved a lot (including countries) when I was a child, my parents were not socially ambitious, I was bullied at most schools, my face didn't really fit at work because I wasn't interested in gossip, and when my marriage ended exH gaslighted me and bullied our few friends into loyalty to him - to the extent of sending a round robin to everyone in the address book listing all my 'failings'.

You don't come out of that with a whole bunch of friends unless you are really lucky. So I'm used to having no friends, self sufficient you might say and content with my own company because I have had to be. DH doesn't see it as an issue. When we are in social company I am more chatty and interested that he is, certainly not an introvert by any stretch. It suits us and we have no issue with not being on the social merry go round in general, but I think that other people do if they can't stand silence or lack of stimulation 24/7. They may also see a lack of friends as a failing but I don't think like that at all.

You are all a great bunch on here btw, and with such good taste - at the moment we are all listening to the Stranglers. Hope you're enjoying it. Happy days.

Original poster

Bluepansies · 31/07/2017 15:45

Thanks everyone, your responses have been really interesting. And to the one pp who said it was to be looking for justification to end the relationship, that's not true at all. The fact I didn't feel enough for him was enough justification, it's just that I like to reflect on my experiences and relationships, try to make sense of them, how I handled them, what I did etc. So that I can learn from them and hopefully understand myself and other people better.

OP posts:

honeylulu · 31/07/2017 15:51

My husband only has one friend and its his best friend from his teens. I don't think he'd even bother with him if the friend didn't make most of the effort.
He's got a few acquaintances, mostly friends that the BF has acquired.
Also a handful of former workmates etc but again these people do must of the chasing.
We also have mutual friends as in friends I've made and their partners/children and he gets on happily/fine with them but when he talks about them he says "honeylulu's friends".

He is lovely, kind and funny and people like him. He just doesn't feel the need to have lots of friends. I've asked him about it and he thinks it might be because he's from a big family - four children all close together in age and they happily knocked around together and weren't terribly bothered about other people.

I don't think of him as defective in any way because of it.

2rebecca · 31/07/2017 16:08

No, although it depends what you mean by friends. In my experience men have men they socialise with through their hobbies and work but certainly men in their 40s+ don't tend to go out with friends just for the sake of it.
My husband happily chats to folk on facebook about cycling and his other interests and goes cycling locally and on holidays abroad with folk but won't bother doing anything non cycling or other interest related with them. I'm probably a bit like that too. With busy jobs, kids and step kids and sports and other hobbies we tend to go to the pub with each other. It might be different if I lived nearer some of my uni friends.

user1497997754 · 31/07/2017 17:56

In the past I have had lots of so called friends and found that I was putting them first before my hubby and family.....and when I was in a bad place my so called friends were nowhere to be seen....but my hubby and family were....

JetBoyJetGirl · 31/07/2017 18:09

I've recently started a relationship with someone. He doesn't have 'friends' as such. There are people he knows and people he will chat to down the pub, but he doesn't have friends. He doesn't 'chat' or arrange to go out with them. There are one or two he confides in.

He is autistic and I wouldn't judge him for it.

However, if someone had previously had friends but lost them because they were irascible, that would bother me.

I disagree with 2rebecca, I know a number of men who go out with friends for a beer and a catch up for the sake of it. I am friends with a man and we go out like this. He also has other friends he sees in this way.

PsychedelicSheep · 31/07/2017 19:42

It's definitely referred to as a potential red flag by DV services. It would bother me I think, whether it was for genuine reasons or more nefarious ones.

Offred · 31/07/2017 19:46

It would grab my attention. Why he had no friends would determine whether I thought it was a problem or not.

Offred · 31/07/2017 19:54

The thing is really about someone's ability to form and maintain relationships.

My x had a lot of friends. He used to tease me about the family guy sketch 'men, we now how to be friends!' Because he never shared anything with them, he never knew anything about their lives or they anything about his.

A year ago today his best friend killed himself. He was the last person to talk to him and so was interviewed by the police repeatedly over it.

I suddenly realised that all his 'friendships' were predicated on him getting something out of them that he thought was useful. One friend, who is disabled and poor gave him weed for free (I didn't find this out until the end he covered it up, I always wondered why he was so secretive about his friends/home and he blamed the smell on this friend's problem with it), some other friends lived in useful places like Manchester and London and would put him up if he just turned up, the friend who died did a huge amount of voluntary work to help him with his career... he literally has no-one in his life that isn't there because of what he can get from them (with me it was money and sex) and he does not give anything back to anyone he takes from.

Anyway, that was a ramble but the point was really, friends or no friends it is the person's ability to form equal relationships that matters.

JetBoyJetGirl · 31/07/2017 19:55

Psychadelic is it considered a blanket red flag without any critical thinking applied?

I know a couple of men, in particular, who don't have friends but they're lovely family men who just don't have 'friends', as such.

SandyY2K · 31/07/2017 19:56

I wouldn't bother me, unless it bothered him.

My best friends are my sisters. They have my back and would never let me down.

As long as my DH is happy and socialises, then I'd be fine.

WhichJob · 31/07/2017 20:49

Psychadelic, I can see why. If someone has no friends it can be easier to manipulate their partner into not seeing their friends. 'You don't need them, let's stay in just us' etc. Then slowly the partner has no friends left either.

It must be one of the red flags, JetBoy, and I mentioned up thread that my decent DH doesn't have friends and whilst there has not been any DV issues, when we have had problems I have often wished he had someone to talk them over with who would give him a different perspective like I do with my friends.

user1497997754 · 31/07/2017 21:33

I don't think men as a rule talk about relationship problems with thier friends like women do. They tend to bury thier heads in the sand and hope things will just blow over......women on the other hand try to nip things in the bud and try to resolve issues before it gets to be a problem.

TDHManchester · 31/07/2017 21:56

Whats a friend? Its just my view but "friends" in the male domain are not quite the same as friends in the female domain. As you might guess im male. I am reasonably happy but i dont have a wide social circle. Most of my friends/aquaintences are work related. It doesnt bother me too much. I think a lot of males' "friends" are related closely to work or hobbies whereas females have wider social groups.

Barbaro · 31/07/2017 22:03

I think my boyfriend thought I was a bit odd at first as I dont hang out with a lot of people, although I am an easy person to talk to and for the most part like talking to people. But I am an introvert and after spending all day at work talking to various people and getting irritated with problems, then going to the stables, talk to more people, ride the horse etc, I just want to go home and chill out by myself more than anything haha. I like spending my weekends quietly, sometimes go shopping with my mum or I have a few friends up here to go to the cinema with. My main friends from uni are in a different city though a few hours away, so I havent seen them in ages. I do want to again though, as I miss them. I'm just not one to need to be surrounded by people all of the time, I like my time to myself and my job is stressful enough that by the weekend, I just want to chill out and be by myself for the most part, although now I have my boyfriend I like spending it with him too. I have lots of people I can text or call or go to the cinema with, I just dont choose to spend all of my time with them. They are used to me by now anyway haha.

Offred · 31/07/2017 22:23

I think that thing about men and women being different in relation to friends, whilst mainly true, is an example of toxic ideas about masculinity.

Men are taught to approach relationships in a transactional manner. It isn't really healthy though so whilst it is common I don't think it is necessary or healthy but is self perpetuating as if you have friends who want to talk about relationships but you think it is 'not what men do' you won't talk about relationships.

Men are often perfectly happy to talk to other men about women as though they are products for consumption, just not as though they are people to relate to. This is not a healthy dynamic.

MsGameandWatching · 31/07/2017 22:25

Not sure. I don't have many RL friends mainly because they all fell away when my children were diagnosed with autism - scared it was catching I expect. I've got loads of MN friends and old friends that I have chats and giggles with on FB though. Kind of prefer it after my RL experiences of "friendship".

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