Shall I find out what happened 17 years ago? **Trigger warning**

[Goodatactingnormal]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. But I thought you lot might be supportive or offer good advice.

When i was a teenager i went to a house party, drank too much, ended up sleeping with a guy i really fancied, passed out/blacked out and may or may not have been raped by a group of his friends while i was unconcious.

I told my friend who basically told me something like im sure nothing bad happened, dont worry about it. I told another friend who knew these guys well about sleeping with the guy i liked, and she told me she'd heard the other guys took it in turns with me after i passed out.

My heart is beating so fast typing this.

The friend who told me that had suffered a horrific violent rape herself and told me if i dont remember it then its better not to know rather than live with the knowledge.

Its many years on now and im married and have a family but occasionally it's pops into my head and i obsess and cant sleep - like now.

Thing is i recently came across one of the guys on fbook, hes moved away. The thought came to me that i could message him and ask him some harmless questions and see if he'll give me any info.

What would you do? Would you want to know? I know hes not going to just come out with the whole story, but i dont know maybe i can get something from what he does say.

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you.

First, I would NOT contact the guy on FB.
Second, I would seek professional help and/or advice, such as Rape Crisis or another organisation.

I'm so sorry you went through this.

If it DID happen, what difference would it make? Would you want to do anything about it?

Thanks nonno, its just i dont know what really happened. Do i just live with the fact I'll never know?

And Yes yes to speak to Rape Crisis.

If it did happen then it wont be any worse than thinking it did. I dont know what i'd do though in terms of reporting it.

Do you think this guy will hold his hands up and say "yes, me and my mates raped you " ?

I am not saying you should not investigate further if you think it will help but I am pretty sure you will not get what you need from the potential perpetrators

No I know that, Im glad i posted here rather than contacted him on impulse.

Thought he might blame one of his friends or something. But hes not that stupid.

Do people go through stuff like this and just get on with their lives? I have for a long time, but maybe i need to deal with it somehow. Rape crisis, therapy.

I strongly suggest a trigger warning in your title considering the content of your post.

Have requested a trigger warning.

Rapists are liars. They're products of a rape culture that tells them rapists jump out of dark corners on the street & that women who are raped lie. You'll never wring the truth from them directly.

Yes to therapy, if nothing else it might help you accept not knowing, which even if you tried to investigate may well still be the end result. I can see how not knowing might be worse in some ways than knowing for sure it happened but I'm not sure how feasible it is that you'll find out anything conclusive now.

I found my rapist on Facebook, best advice I can give you is block him so there's no temptation to contact him, I really don't think it will help. You definitely need to get some support to start to work through how you feel though, Rape Crisis is probably a good place to start

Thank you hiding, I do agree I need to talk to someone. I pushed it out of my mind for so long, but that can't go on forever.

I think the shock of seeing this face from my past sent me into a bit of a tailspin. When I see it written down, why the hell would I contact him??

Glad you've changed your mind op, you wouldn't have achieved anything positive by contacting him. He'd never admit it in writing if they had done anything so at best you'd be ignored, at worst you'd be abused. If he denied it you might not believe him so you'd be no further on.

I hope rape crises or similar can assist you. Good luck.

OP - you will not be doing yourself, certainly mentally, any favours if you contacted him. Of course, 17 years ago he will not confess - his life has moved on and so has yours. It was just a friend of yours that mentioned it 'may' have happened. If it did not and you contacted him (regardless) what purpose would it serve - there is no concrete evidence and could potentially destroy him.

Just get on with your life - best way. Hope you can contact any organisations to best help with your thoughts.

God yes, seeing their face is like being kicked in the stomach. I found myself looking at his profile more often than was healthy though, took me a while to realise what I was doing and blocking him was absolutely the right thing to do.

Therapy won't change your situation or help you work out what happened but it will give you a place to offload all your thoughts and feelings about it and make some kind of peace with not knowing for sure what happened that night. for you Good, I hope you're coping ok.

So first friend didn't think anything had happened. Second friend said it did. Second friend had suffered something awful prior and told you it was better not to know but basically made you believe it did happen. Sometimes when something bad happens to someone they want others to feel their pain. Is there a chance that she said it because of this? Did you think something had happened before talking to anyone?

I think first friend didnt know what to say, I dont blame her we were only young. I pretty much knew something had happened straight away, just didnt know who or how many were involved. Id only had sex once before that night, but couldnt sit down the next day, hurt front & back if you know what i mean.

Naive young me didnt want it to be true, so chose not to believe it. But really, something got out of hand and physical things were wrong like the state they left me in. When second friend told me what she heard, i think she thought i already had some awareness. It shocked me, but rang true at the same time.

Absolutely don't contact him or any of the others. For your sake, not theirs. Block him so you don't have to look at his profile.
Do get yourself good counselling to help you deal with whatever went on and with not properly knowing.

Definitely Rape Crisis and professional counselling.
Do not contact any of the rapists or people around at the time of the offence.
From what you have posted, I get the impression it happened, rather than it didn't. I am sorry you had to go through that.

I was very hung up on the guy i slept with, didnt want to believe he'd been involved with the latter part of the night.

I am so sorry that this happened to you (whatever it was -- and not knowing exactly is hard in its own unique way).

Can I strongly, strongly recommend that you see your GP about this and get referred for specialist support? This has obviously come up very vividly and urgently for you, which feels to me like a sign that it is something you need to address in some way, and there is no better way than with really good support.

Can you afford to see somebody privately?

Thank you Notmypenguin I dont know how much private therapy costs, but think i will start with rape crisis and go from there. Feel i should tell my dh. Will find a way to work through it so i can move on. Dont want to tell my family, not sure i even want to drag up the past, but its not necessarily a choice to keep it buttoned down any more.

Thanks for all advice & kind words, it has helped as a first step to write it down. I feel its so far in the past i can deal with it quite distantly now.

Just a small thing to add to the other great advice;

You have clearly reached a stage in your life where you feel psychologically safe to try and confront the reality of this, that's why it's coming out.

You may feel an urge to talk about it but try and stop yourself from doing that outside proper specialist counselling.

The best thing anyone told me was my rape counsellor who said 'this is your life. No-one has 'the right' to be told about it. If you feel you want to tell anyone, even your husband, think about how telling them will benefit YOU first and only do it if you think it is going to help you'

This sounds really awful and a more complex issue than knowing/not knowing that is playing on your mind.

As others have suggested, why don't you reach out for some confidential support?

It may still be possible for you to get closure, through counselling, without having to confront this man.