Shall I find out what happened 17 years ago? **Trigger warning**

[Goodatactingnormal]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. But I thought you lot might be supportive or offer good advice.

When i was a teenager i went to a house party, drank too much, ended up sleeping with a guy i really fancied, passed out/blacked out and may or may not have been raped by a group of his friends while i was unconcious.

I told my friend who basically told me something like im sure nothing bad happened, dont worry about it. I told another friend who knew these guys well about sleeping with the guy i liked, and she told me she'd heard the other guys took it in turns with me after i passed out.

My heart is beating so fast typing this.

The friend who told me that had suffered a horrific violent rape herself and told me if i dont remember it then its better not to know rather than live with the knowledge.

Its many years on now and im married and have a family but occasionally it's pops into my head and i obsess and cant sleep - like now.

Thing is i recently came across one of the guys on fbook, hes moved away. The thought came to me that i could message him and ask him some harmless questions and see if he'll give me any info.

What would you do? Would you want to know? I know hes not going to just come out with the whole story, but i dont know maybe i can get something from what he does say.

Good point Offred, that is actually a comforting thing to hear.

It is disorienting when this happens. It can feel as if you have just discovered that your very foundation as a human being has been built on shifting sand and that you no longer have a grip on who you are. It is difficult but it will pass. The important thing is to get some proper therapeutic support to ensure that your recovery process is guided in the right way.

But yes, the fact this has side swiped you now most likely means that you have finally reached emotional safety. It is incredibly common, a way of you protecting yourself from harm, even if it feels like you've just got your life in order only to be side swiped by shit!

I've been going through similar stuff but connected to things that happened when I was a child. I remember I basically made a choice to try to deal with what was in my head, there was a strong impulse to push it down again - the memories were repressed.

I did confront the past with help from therapists. I do warn you, there is a large part of me that wishes I'd left it alone rather than opened 'Pandora's box'. But I had kids and it wouldn't have stayed buried forever.

You need to do the right thing for yourself and no one else, don't let anyone push you either way. X

I am now at the point where I am glad I opened Pandora's box - it has helped me to make choices that are healthier for me (relatively speaking - if you backsearch me you will see my horror of a recent relationship!)