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Original poster

Does my Dad love alcohol more than me?

29 replies

whosafraidofthebigbadwolf · 30/07/2017 19:13

My Dad has always been a drinker. Big into rugby and the drinking culture that goes with it. He held down a very senior job for many years before forced early retirement. He was often in the pub a few nights as week, getting very very drunk at weekends.

When I got married he was a bit nervous before the speeches and he drank every bottle of wine on the top table. The hotel had to bring out the wine that was reserved for later on in the evening as he'd drunk it all.

He got through his speech fine as his tolerance is very high (he can easily drink 4 bottles of wine).

Obviously, he has an alcohol problem.

I think the thing that hurt me, though, is that when DH and I came to leave our wedding as the DJ had left etc my Dad got angry that we weren't going to prop up the bar with him until the wee small hours and he refused to say goodnight to me.

So at the end of my wedding when I tried to kiss my Dad goodnight he turned his cheek away from me so I couldn't and then sulked. Because we wouldn't get roaring drunk with him.

Does my Dad love alcohol more than me?

OP posts:
BifsWif · 30/07/2017 19:21

I think your dad has an alcohol problem as you say, and that may be messing up his priorities.

Have you spoken to him? Would he seek any helpv

BifsWif · 30/07/2017 19:21

help?*

Original poster
whosafraidofthebigbadwolf · 30/07/2017 19:26

The whole topic of his drinking is completely off limits.

I'm not looking to change him, because he would never in a million years listen to me.

I guess I'm just trying to work out if it's even worth me trying to have a relationship with him. I'm not sure if I can cope with being put second to alcohol. He actually told me last year if he didn't care if alcohol killed him as he's lived his life now and it's what he wants to do with the rest of it.

OP posts:
something2say · 30/07/2017 19:36

That doesn't sound good love.
I'd say there is trouble ahead from that one comment alone xxx

moutonfou · 30/07/2017 19:38

My dad has a drinking problem. What you have to know above all about alcoholics is that their main relationship becomes with alcohol.

My dad is a functioning alcoholic and holds down a good job. He starts drinking as soon as he gets home from work and has to stop drinking by 8pm or he won't be sober enough to drive to work in the morning. So he will go to bed rather than face being awake without alcohol. How my mum feels about that or what she wants to do is of no significance, the alcohol comes first. Last time DH and I went round for dinner my dad left the table halfway through dinner to go to bed because he couldn't carry on drinking. I don't text him or talk to him after 7pm because he won't make any sense. He ruined my mum's 50th birthday party by getting black-out drunk falling and cracking his head open, so as you've learnt, unfortunately they can't even lay off the alcohol for the sake of a significant life event.

It's heartbreaking but true that an alcoholic will put the alcohol ahead of you, whoever you are, whatever the situation. If you try to talk to them they may get defensive because you are trying to get in the way of that relationship. Very rarely when sober they may have a moment of clarity and see what they are doing to themselves and their loved ones but any resolutions to change rarely last long.

We are not having much success with my dad, but the main things I have heard from families who have come through this, is that you have to wait for them to want help, and be ready to offer that help. They have to lead the process, with your help. And two, you have to prioritise your own wellbeing - if you need to distance yourself from him, take some time out, or be unkind about him, do that. Don't feel you are betraying him, you've got to do what you need to do to stay sane.

Sorry my reply couldn't be a bit more positive but my thoughts and hugs are with you xx

Wolfiefan · 30/07/2017 19:40

I am really sorry but alcohol is more important to him than anyone or anything.
How much do you want a relationship with him and what do you get from it? Can you avoid ever being with him when he's drinking? Breakfast meeting?

Snapespeare · 30/07/2017 19:42

Yes he does. Alcoholics love alcohol more than they love anyone else, in a love-hate relationship kind of way.

Remain civil, by all means, but start to distance and protect yourself and any children you have/might have, because you are never going to be his priority.

My children's father is an alcoholic.

RapunzelsRealMom · 30/07/2017 19:42

I'm sorry to read your post OP.

My dad loved alcohol more than he loved me. He couldn't help it but it was something I couldn't accept (not just the alcohol but the way it made him behave - he was EA to me for many years).

He died relatively early (at 70) due to his lifestyle and I have many regrets about our estrangement.

I'm not sure how I would change things if I could do it all again but id certainly speak to him about my concerns in a non-judgmental manner (looking back, I was very judgmental) and I'd be there for him when he needed me (I wasn't there when he needed me most).

Do what you can live with OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2017 19:45

I think the hatred and despair your dad feels for himself overpowers the love he has for you. Alcoholics are desperately unhappy, self-hating people. Unfortunately, they self-medicate with booze and expressing emotions aside from anger is almost impossible. I'm really sorry about your dad, but I promise none of this is about you.

Paffle · 30/07/2017 19:45

I would put it like this. Alcoholics can only make one choice: not to pick up the first drink. If they pick up a drink, they lose the power of choice. They absolutely cannot stop themselves continuing to drink. Your dad is not choosing you over drink or choosing drink over you - he is powerless over drink. This is how addiction works and it's very hard to understand for anyone who is not an addict. Your dad needs to go to AA and to want to stop drinking. Until he does, alcohol will always come first. Sorry.

Reading AA or AlAnon resources might help you. I mean help you to accept how he is and decide what you want your relationship to him to be (if any).

Good luck.

Tootsiepops · 30/07/2017 19:46

My younger brother was an alcoholic. He died aged 29 after a serious vodka binge. I know he loved my mum, but he couldn't stop drinking for anyone - not even her.

Original poster
whosafraidofthebigbadwolf · 30/07/2017 20:07

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry for your loss Tootsie.

To be honest, our entire family system is very dysfunctional. My mother and brother both have mental health issues. There was a lot of emotional neglect when I was growing up. My mother can't be there for me. I was abused in childhood, not by my parents, but I feel if they'd been there for me they could have been done more to prevent it.

As terrible as it sounds, my Dad - with his ongoing alcohol issues -
was the better parent. And I'm just realising that he was never good enough either.

Estrangement from them all is looking increasingly likely.

OP posts:
Original poster
whosafraidofthebigbadwolf · 30/07/2017 21:53

Also, sorry, would Al-anon be useful for me even though I'm not seeing my Dad right now? Or is it just for relatives/friends who are in current contact with an alcoholic?

OP posts:
PTA689 · 30/07/2017 22:11

Alcoholics love alcohol more than anything.

My dad did too.

happystory · 31/07/2017 08:09

My dad loved alcohol more than me and my brothers. I believe he had MH issues all his life that he self medicated with drink. I saw him sporadically in the last few years of his life, he was a wonderful conversationalist when sober and would talk about all and everything - except the elephant in the room. He died alone, in a grotty bedsit surrounded by empty bottles. We all tried to help at various times but in the end nothing worked. You must protect yourself and cherish your own relationship. I know how it feels, it's hard.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2017 08:14

Al-anon is for anyone affected by another person's drinking. It matters not whether you are in or not in contact with them.

You can only help your own self here ultimately.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 31/07/2017 08:22

I echo what Paffle has said. It's the first drink that's the killer and the one that we have to steel ourselves against - with support and determination, it is possible to change, as long as the alcoholic desperately wants to change. I've been in AA for nearly 10 years and, although I have had relapses during that time, I am very aware that I have a lifelong problem, that I cannot stop going to meetings and that my own DD (I am a sole parent) does not deserve a drunk mother. It truly isn't a case of loving drink more than anything else, although I have read that on MN a lot. It's the entire lack of choice that comes with the first drink. I love my DD more than life itself and it's partly our relationship that makes me stronger - even though I live a sober life for myself and for the fact that I actually have a life now, rather than an existence (and yes, I was "functioning" too).

I'd completely understand if I were still drinking and my DD decided to be NC - it would be a price I'd have to pay and I would appreciate that she would need to protect herself. I've never blamed anyone for a moment for anything I have done/has happened to me as a result of drink. Yes, Al Anon meetings could be very helpful for you, if only to gain a sense of peace that nothing you can do would make any difference - you didn't cause this, can't change it and cannot control it.

Many people join AA later in life - but the decision has to be theirs. I wish you all the very best.

Original poster
whosafraidofthebigbadwolf · 31/07/2017 15:45

Thank you.

I used to drink a lot when I was younger, and then I changed and didn't want that for myself or my DC once they came along.

My Dad kind of rejected me when that happened. My parents would visit to see the DC but he'd be switched off and disengaged because DH and I wouldn't drink with him.

He's said in the past that my sibling and I only became interesting to him once we were teenagers. I think because then he could start us drinking with him :( I don't think he sees me as anything much more than a drinking buddy and now I don't drink with him he's lost interest.

OP posts:
Ladylouanne · 31/07/2017 17:32

Hi OP.

My husband died several years ago in his mid forties as a consequence of alcoholism. I kind of agree with Lobster's post that it isn't as simple as loving one thing more than the others. I think he loved our DD desperately, and me too really although alcohol destroyed our marriage. The issue was that he couldn't face a life without alcohol, and keeping both his family and alcohol in his life just wasn't compatible. Yes, he made a choice in that he didn't seek help to stop drinking, and hold on to his family, but by that point I don't his mind was functioning a way to enable him to think and act rationally.

I agree with what other posters as saying in that the best thing is to focus on you, and your new DH. Build your own life and be happy.

I'm not saying abandon your Dad. However, alcoholism is a horrific illness, well capable of destroying more than just the sufferer. You cannot stick around and offer sympathy and support in the way you could with someone suffering from a physical illness. To do so could just result in enabling their drinking and simply feeding or justifying the alcoholic's behaviour.

I'd just try and keep in touch, but on your terms, and make it clear what you don't find acceptable.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 31/07/2017 20:01

I couldn't agree more with ladylouanne's post. And I feel for you, lady; dignified yet accepting was how you came across with what must have been a horrific situation. I'm sure too that your husband loved you all - it's tragic that he left you like that; only last week I went to the funeral of a 39 year old friend from AA who just didn't "get it". I, even I with my (thankfully in the distant past) 24 hour drinking, so felt both immensely irritated with her and as well, the feeling that I could have done more, understanding her state of mind as I did.

Sorry OP, back to you. I admit that I cannot relate to the notion that your father is only interested in you as a drinking partner. Having said that, my own DF is 93 and I've never had a conversation with him in my life (he is a remote man) and he had his own drinking demons some years back, so I am hardly qualified to judge. I do think that, as lady says, you simply must put distance between you and DF and concentrate on your own family. Seriously, having heard hundreds (possibly thousands) of AA chairs over the years, once a former active alcoholic gets sobriety under their belt, they appreciate what their family have gone through.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 31/07/2017 20:09

Do you know any of his former drinking friends who have dropped out and could be helpful? Do you live in Kent?!

Sorry, AA has a "pledge" and I'd love to try to help even though I appreciate that it could be rejected outright - that's ok, too.

Offred · 31/07/2017 20:29

I don't think it is about loving alcohol more than you. I think it is about how him being an alcoholic affects your relationship with him.

Love is never enough, in any relationship. Alcoholics have love for people like any other person does, but their addiction affects their ability to have functional and healthy relationships with people.

An alcoholic who is still drinking will never be able to give you what you need from a husband or a partner or a friend, and the fact that they also love you, doesn't make up for that.

Offred · 31/07/2017 20:29

*or a father

Original poster
whosafraidofthebigbadwolf · 31/07/2017 22:02

Sorry to hear your story, lady.

Lobster, thanks, but not in Kent.

It's all tied up with a load of other stuff, really. He wasn't there for me emotionally and he didn't protect me very well (in fact left me with my abuser so he and my mother could visit the pub).

I think I would find it easier to accept and be non-judgemental about his drinking if it hadn't contributed to my messed up childhood...

OP posts:
Original poster
whosafraidofthebigbadwolf · 31/07/2017 22:05

It's hard when his drinking has all been so secret and normalised by other people.

It's not normal to neck 5 bottles of wine in one sitting, it really isn't.

I think he thinks he's got it under control because he doesn't drink in the day, or every day.

But when he drinks it's crazy. And yes, he would rather spend time with pub buddies who will drink with him than family who won't. He frequently leaves other family members and I at home when we visit from another country so he can go and get smashed with random people.

OP posts: