Does my Dad love alcohol more than me?

[whosafraidofthebigbadwolf]

My Dad has always been a drinker. Big into rugby and the drinking culture that goes with it. He held down a very senior job for many years before forced early retirement. He was often in the pub a few nights as week, getting very very drunk at weekends.

When I got married he was a bit nervous before the speeches and he drank every bottle of wine on the top table. The hotel had to bring out the wine that was reserved for later on in the evening as he'd drunk it all.

He got through his speech fine as his tolerance is very high (he can easily drink 4 bottles of wine).

Obviously, he has an alcohol problem.

I think the thing that hurt me, though, is that when DH and I came to leave our wedding as the DJ had left etc my Dad got angry that we weren't going to prop up the bar with him until the wee small hours and he refused to say goodnight to me.

So at the end of my wedding when I tried to kiss my Dad goodnight he turned his cheek away from me so I couldn't and then sulked. Because we wouldn't get roaring drunk with him.

Does my Dad love alcohol more than me?

I agree with others that you need to try and separate off emotionally.

My dad is not an alcoholic but i recognise what you say about how your childhood was damaged by his flaws.

My dad is an Angry Man. He was either absent or angry and abusive for my whole childhood. He is still angry and abusive, my mother enables him and protects him from the consequences.

As I've grown older and had my own children I have distanced myself from them by choice. It has helped me to decide not to think of them as my parents because they don't behave as though they are in any normal sense of the word. Their priority is simply maintaining the pretence that they are a wonderfully happy loving married couple with close relationships with all their children.

I'm the eldest of four. We all cope differently; I mostly call them out and defend the younger ones and older family members, my immediate sister is the favourite and mostly is unaffected by them so has a relatively normal relationship with them, the next sister moved far away to get away from them and does visits during which she plays along, my brother the youngest is incredibly and cripplingly anxious.

If you live in another country from him then I would advise you take the route my sister who moved away has in my family and keep emotional distance, keep up a pretence when visiting and try to live a separate life from them when you are away. You can't change him.

Thank you Offred.

This is where I am with it exactly:

"It has helped me to decide not to think of them as my parents because they don't behave as though they are in any normal sense of the word. Their priority is simply maintaining the pretence that they are a wonderfully happy loving married couple with close relationships with all their children."

Offred: exactly that. And I'm the alcoholic but genuinely want my family, mainly DD, to have the best life possible.

And - OP - it's not that he specifically prefers drinking with these friends. They mean that he can cruise through life without having to justify his fairly pitiable existence of drinking to excess as and when he feels the need. They are not going to challenge, therefore he doesn't need to deny. It's all mapped out.