Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stbxh wants me back

36 replies

ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 07:33

Right;

It's a long one.
H (stbxh) and I planned to move to another country. We had our visas, stuff lined up etc: then I found out he was having an affair.

We split. He decided to go anyway. I still wanted to go and I didn't want our dd (1yr old) to go without both of her parents so we went. Not together but we coparented peacefully and live nearby (20min drive) from each other. He sees DD a lot and I'm happy with this. He pays a huge amount of maintanence based on the uk calculations, it's more than sufficient so we've never thought to mess with it all in all we do ok.

A few weeks ago he asked me if I could consider giving us another go before the divorce is done. I said I'd think about considering it. I decided to consider it, he's been around a bit more recently and we've been out together too(us 3) which we don't normally do.

I'd like him back, but I don't know what to do. I feel weak for wanting to take him back after an affair but I do miss him terribly (and did before he suggested it) I'm also terrified of him doing it again

OP posts:
isitjustme2017 · 30/07/2017 07:37

It depends on the circumstances around the affair and what he has done to prove himself since. Was it a long affair, how/why did it start?
Its really only your decision but it all boils down to whether you can ever trust him again. He needs to re-build that trust.
How about counselling for you both?
Also be aware of the fact you are in another country and assume you don't have the friends/family support around you - this may be clouding your judgement.

Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 07:41

I have some good friends no family though.

The affair wasn't a one night stand moment of madness it went on for months and I only found out because she showed up on my doorstep and told me. I asked her to wait with me until he got home and as soon as he got home his face said it all he then admitted it all.

It started as they worked together as a one off (she worked in a different section of his business but was covering another member of staff)
I know my judgement might be clouded hence why I'm asking here as I don't want to fuck this decision up

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 07:43

I don't think he'd do counselling, but it's worth looking into... I don't even know how I'd access it here so I definitely need to get researching...

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 07:49

"I don't think he'd do counselling".

That seals my response.
Counselling is the standard response to something like this.
And it's not that big a deal.

This is how much effort he is prepared to put in to make it up to you about his dreadful betrayal: absolutely fuck all.

I don't think affairs are something you just learn your lesson over. Fundamentally, in what sounds like not that long a marriage, and you with a tiny child, he thought it was OK to fuck someone else. Counselling might help - but counselling is not a personality transplant.

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 07:52

Oh and "I definitely need to get researching" how to access counselling?

No you fucking don't.

HE DOES.

There will be people on here who will tell you they successfully came back from an affair - I've seen the posts. Common denominator? The cheating ex made some effort.

Why hasn't he already researched counsellors and asked you? Because he doesn't care enough to do the standard thing. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Chances are he's just a bit lonely in a new country, and fancies the easy (for him) option of having his family back together.

Paperdoll16 · 30/07/2017 07:56

He must have pissed her off something rotten for her to happily wait around for him to come home sitting in the martial home with his wife.

She's now clearly off the scene and he only has one option.

For context, how long did the affair go on for?
How long has it been since?
What has he done to show remorse in the meantime? You say that you co patented post the move- has he been off having a taste of single life again whilst you've been predominately looking after your DC?

Only you know how you feel.
Do you still love him? Or are you just feeling relieved that he wants you again? That might be where your reservations are coming from?

Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 08:05

We were together for around 15yrs (5.5 of that was marriage).
The affair went on for 7 months.
I haven't asked him about counselling I just don't think he'd be up for it, he's vehemently refused counselling over a different issue (his own mental health) in the past, a very long time ago and has a bit of scepticism towards counsellors/psychiatrists (I don't know if scepticism is the right word).

I don't know what his personal life is like, but we share care for DD. alternate weekends and she stays over his either Tuesday and Friday or Monday and Wednesday. He also has her for around 2hrs on a Thursday morning for a baby group thing he takes her to.

I do still love him

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 08:15

I think it's irrelevant whether you love him.
You loving him doesn't make getting back with him the right thing to do.

Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 08:17

Indeed Ellis, I was just answering a previous posters question.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 08:19

Makes it bloody hard and tempting though Flowers

Just (from your limited posts!) doesn't sound like he'd make any effort.

I think that crystal healing is a bunch of arse but if I cheated on a believer partner and the worldwide recognised response to affair aftermath was crystals, I'd be begging him to come to a crystal session with me, you know?

millsbynight · 30/07/2017 08:19

Couples overcome affairs. If he's willing to do counselling and prove his commitment then start dating again and take it from there.

If he refuses, you have your answer.

Depends how badly he wants you and your DD back.

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 08:24

Something else strikes me.
Forget that he is - from what you've said - a good parent now.

After he cheated on you, instead of staying put to win you back, he decided to emigrate anyway. Which meant he was prepared to leave his baby.

It was you who decided to keep her parents in one country. Not necessarily a huge sacrifice for you if you were super keen to go there. But still - he really benefited there didn't he?

I might be able to get over an affair (don't think so, after my own experience). But you know - I might.

I would not be able to get over my baby's father being prepared to just move abroad.

Both actions, the affair and the being prepared to just leave his child show a very selfish streak. If I got back with him, why would I expect that selfish streak to disappear?

Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 08:24

I will suggest counselling - thanks all.
Any further advice etc still welcome.

ellisandra it does make sense, I think I'd do the same too. Just have to see how he reacts I suppose and go from there.
The whole situation makes me very sad Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 08:27

He proposed a schedule of spending 10wks in the UK and also offered to put us up over there 4x throughout the year so he could maintain a reasonably active part in DDs life, in fairness.
Although I didn't think to put that in the post as I decided not to take him up on that.
It's a very long way from the UK and I didn't think it was fair to put a child through such distance but he was never prepared to just not see her

OP posts:
illegitimateMortificadospawn · 30/07/2017 08:39

but he was never prepared to just not see her

Although the potential harm to his continued relationship with his daughter did not feature as a consideration when he chose to have an affair... Really, he has everything just how he wants it now. There have been no consequences for his betrayal. Interesting that staying put in your home country & not emigrating was not considered as an option after you discovered the affair. I am assuming you are both a long way from home without extended family support nearby - no wonder you are even considering this, but whose interests are best served by it? He already co-parents your daughter, so she has a relationship with her. Ask if this is what you really want. If you want more kids/sibs for your daughter eventually, do you want to be relying on someone this careless with your feelings. Don't you deserve better?

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 08:39

Putting you up 4x a year is no big deal. It's actually quite selfish. He'll throw money at it, but you have to use all your time and leave 4x a year to travel "a very long way" - which means 8 hours long haul minimum, I would say. So no - that doesn't make him father of the year and unselfish - it makes him well off.

10 weeks in the UK is a hell of a lot better than fucking off altogether. But he was still prepared to just move away. I think your bar is quite low. I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted to just move away from his child. I think he's a selfish man - and selfish men are higher risk to cheat on you.

Ellisandra · 30/07/2017 08:45

I'm actually feeling really sad on your behalf that you see him clicking his fingers and waving his bank card at you suggesting that you travel long haul 4x a year for him.

Fun fun fun for your daughter stuck on a plane, too.

I bet the 10 weeks in the UK suited him in other ways - seeing friends and family, not using too much annual leave as it's just 2 flights for a long period of time there. (he may contract and not have annual leave, but still - it's 2 long haul flights a year for him, but 8 for both of you!

Why wasn't he proposing to take 4 weeks per year to make 4 trips back per year, to never go more than 3 months without seeing his daughter? And without putting her through dull flights.

I'll tell you why - because that takes a commitment to family that men who fuck other women simply don't have.

We have completely different interpretations of his proposal. I think it was a selfish one Angry

Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 08:47

I didn't say it was perfect or even best but in fairness it's a lot better than fucking off altogether.
Staying in the UK was an option for me but I didn't want to. I have nothing there for me and my life is better here.

I'm not sure what consequences I could've doled out mortificado...

OP posts:
tictoc76 · 30/07/2017 08:50

Marriage can survive after affairs. Only you know if it's worth trying but I do think he needs to accept you both need counselling - even if he doesn't want it you need it to allow you to build that trust back up. A marriage without trust is hardly worth having so if he can understand that you need that then maybe you can move forward.

I guess without counselling it's hard to discuss why it happened and how he feels about what he did - personally I would need to understand this to have a chance of moving on.

MyCalmX · 30/07/2017 08:50

OPlease it sounds like you want to give it another go and having been apart for a while and co parenting well, if you think you could move on from his affair then I probably would.

But you need to tell him counselling is a must. If he's not prepared to do even a few sessions then he's not really trying to win you back.

On a side note, you moved a long way from your family after separating from your ex for your dd and him to continue to have a relationship? You're a fab mum Star

Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 08:52

I'm fighting with myself over this and I really don't know what I want.
A friend suggested flipping a coin so that if it was the decision I didn't want I'd be disappointed I flipped a coin it came up to give it another go and I was disappointed and frightened as I don't want to venture into the unknown which is what it feels like now he's had an affair but then on the flip side I do love and miss him.
Ah.
I don't fucking know Sad

OP posts:
MyCalmX · 30/07/2017 08:52

Oplease should be OP

whatsmyname2017 · 30/07/2017 08:53

It sounds to me like he only wants to get back with you as its an easy option for him. He's not prepared to really fight for you though.
The affair went on for months and possibly longer is the OW hadn't told you.
Personally I think you should run a mile from this idea.....

Original poster
ilikecheeselots · 30/07/2017 08:54

I moved for selfish reasons too, I was planning to come anyway because life in the UK was only getting tougher and I wanted a change. The affair meant our original plans were trashed and flights etc cancelled. I had many plans and I didn't want to give up on those even if it meant going it alone as I have done and the prospect of staying in the uk really saddened me... but I did also have to consider DDs relationship with her dad.
I don't know what I'd have done if he wanted to stay in the UK.

OP posts:
MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 30/07/2017 08:55

All 'well and good' you and your child travelling long haul 4 times a year when she's little but not so good when she's at school. And what about your life? Getting a new partner or a job? That solution was all about him.

Being a long way from home in a new country could possibly be blurring your thoughts. Remember this is a man who lied and cheated for seven months whilst you should have been sharing the joint journey of new parenthood. He would have been sneaking around, spinning you stories, making you feel miserable but not knowing quite why. Do you remember how that felt?

If he's not even prepared to go to counselling in order to get you back then he's not really showing willing.

Ask yourself if you'd take him back if you didn't have a child together?

I think couples can recover from affairs but there's a few red flags here that make me suspect he is quite a selfish individual who puts himself first. Is that someone you want to be with?

Swipe left for the next trending thread