Stbxh wants me back

[ilikecheeselots]

Right;

It's a long one.
H (stbxh) and I planned to move to another country. We had our visas, stuff lined up etc: then I found out he was having an affair.

We split. He decided to go anyway. I still wanted to go and I didn't want our dd (1yr old) to go without both of her parents so we went. Not together but we coparented peacefully and live nearby (20min drive) from each other. He sees DD a lot and I'm happy with this. He pays a huge amount of maintanence based on the uk calculations, it's more than sufficient so we've never thought to mess with it all in all we do ok.

A few weeks ago he asked me if I could consider giving us another go before the divorce is done. I said I'd think about considering it. I decided to consider it, he's been around a bit more recently and we've been out together too(us 3) which we don't normally do.

I'd like him back, but I don't know what to do. I feel weak for wanting to take him back after an affair but I do miss him terribly (and did before he suggested it) I'm also terrified of him doing it again

The affair revelation came out of nowhere I was as shocked as I was heartbroken but I see your point regardless magical,
I wouldn't want to go through that again

Every relationship is different. You know him better than anyone else here. Many people change as their children grow older and play an active role in their life. Maybe he's realising what really matters is you both.
If you think what you had before for 15 years is worth another shot, you should go for it after you check his intent & commitment.

How do you feel about meeting someone new in your new country? I am presuming there are no visa restrictions that preclude being with someone else. At the moment, it seems like you see this as a binary option. With him or single Mum to your daughter in a strange place. In your shoes, I'd find it hard to work out whether I want to be with him, or just struggling being on my own in a new country. There is a third option: that you continue to co-parent with your ex in your adopted country, but you move on with your life & find a new partner (one who cherishes you and would not cheat on you).

I would not have him back personally but we are all different. Could you try "dating" for a while, not moving in together, spending time with and without DD.

How about putting a pause on your 'romantic' (vs co-parent) relationship with your ex - say 6 months' headspace? Get out there - join some local groups, even start dating - and see whether the 'pull' towards your ex feels as strong after 6 months or whether developing otger social bonds (platonic, community or otherwise) lessens his appeal. It's hard to tell from your posts just now whether you really want to be with him, rather than not alone.

You see that worries me even more - that he was able to conceal a relationship with another woman for seven months! How could he act completely normally with you? No clue that he was cheating over a seven month period suggests he's pretty good at it. Has he done it before maybe? I'd worry that I'd have no idea if he was up to it again in the future.

I know it's tempting when it's your child's father but is it best for you all really - that is what you need to ask yourself.

BUT as others have said, you know him best. We can only comment based on the things you've told us.

My husband mucked me around for years, this is the second time he left me for someone else and we are very near divorce.
He keeps ringing me wanting to come back but I've had it this time, one affair I can forgive but more no sorry.
i think you reach a point of no return where you just think nope, no more of this nonsense, have you reached that point?

There's nothing in your posts that makes me think he's regretted his affair, or is prepared to put you or DD first. He seems like someone who goes through life getting things he wants without thought or care about anyone else. Each decision or offer has been purely about his benefit and noone else's. He's generous because it suits him to have you happy and his DD accessible. He's presumably earning a lot so it's not a sacrifice to him.

No way on earth would I go back to him. He'll see something else he wants at some point in the future and leave you picking up the pieces again. I would also never be able to trust him again if he successfully hid an affair for so long and you had no inkling.

Move on op and do what's best for you and if with a man,make sure that it's someone who loves you and respects you and treats you well.

What reasons did he cite for having the affair? Unless you both thought your relationship was awful, had spoken about it, then he'd had an affair, after which what made the relationship awful had been resolved, I'd say don't get back together.

He lied to you convincingly for 7 months, and that would've been longer had the OW not told you. To me, there's no going back from that because that's not just a "moment of weakness" that's a long term planned deception. He didn't give a shit about you, your DD or the marriage in all that time did he.

If he was proactive in seeking counselling then there's a glimmer of hope, although not much in the circumstances. The coparenting is working, I suggest you stay with that arrangement and not take the cheating lying bastard back. Just because getting back together would be more convenient than getting a new man it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.

The problem with giving it another chance (to me) is

I don't see remorse
He's not keen on counselling
If he doesn't know what led to the affair, why wouldn't he do it again?
He's not really suffered any consequences for his affair.... It's like he had nothing to loose

I'd personally go through with divorce.. And get your financial settlement. If you want to try again after that... Then fine... Could just be he realises this divorce is going to cost him a lot

Did he ever beg.. Plead... Give you an explanation?

And why did his OW tell you? Was he making promises and when you were leaving the country she realised it was all lies?

With regards to giving it another go, it sounds as though you are tempted. I would be asking myself first and foremost can I move on. I personally am not a counselling fan I've tried it (for mh issues and it wasn't for me I just couldn't open up to a stranger on cue and I couldn't overcome it) but maybe if your stbxh was prepared to properly open up and discuss what led to the affair, is he genuinely remorseful etc with you, you would be able to gauge if you could get the trust back or not? I'm not condoning what he did (I probably couldn't go back) but I am suggesting a reason why he might genuinely not be up for counselling