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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do men actually want to date young, single mums?

49 replies

SingleYoungMummy · 29/07/2017 23:26

I have been doing online dating for around 7-8 months now, I am 22 years old with a 2 year old son.

So far I have been on a few dates with a couple of different men, and each time they have led me to believe we were heading towards a relationship, we've slept together and then they have gone cold.

I am going on a third date with a 25 year old man tomorrow night and I can't help but feel cynical. I honestly don't understand why a young man, in the prime of his life and career, would want to date a single mum unless he had ulterior motives.

I guess I am looking for happy stories of people meeting whilst already having a child(ren). I feel as though I am going to spend my 20's alone until I am older and men have started to become more mature/have families of their own.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2017 23:30

My son is 25. I know if he really liked a woman, it wouldn't matter whether she had a child. He loves kids and would be happy to be with someone who already had a child.

I think there's a danger that someone might spot a vulnerability in you - they're the buggers to watch out for.

Patriciathestripper1 · 29/07/2017 23:36

Most are just looking for a shag ( from someone desperate for company other than a child )
Hence an easy target for a quick release.
I know this because I have a single male friend who only goes after single parents so he dosnt have to pay to take them out. (Most invite him for a date to their house)
Hence shag for the price of a bottle of wine and a meal from her thrown in.
He is a scumbag but I hope that gives you more of an insight.

Fairylea · 29/07/2017 23:37

I met my now dh as a divorced mum aged 29, he was 22 and just back living with his mum having dropped out of uni.... nearly 8 years and 1 child together later we are still really happy! So yes it can work.

SandyY2K · 29/07/2017 23:38

You know there are lots of young men with children themselves. I think if you say you're a single parent from the offset, anyone who you go on a date with is accepting of it.

Many single mums meet lovely men, so that isn't a barrier to meeting a good man.

You're 22, with one child. Other mums meet men with more than one child and are older than you can

OLD can take time. Don't be put off.

lostpigeon · 29/07/2017 23:41

maybe you need to wait a bit longer before sleeping with them?

Kitslefttesty · 29/07/2017 23:41

I never told anyone I had a child when I was dating, not because I was embarrassed, I just got paranoid about the bad eggs in the world.

AreWeThereYet000 · 29/07/2017 23:43

I met my DP at 24 with and 18 month old, we now have a 5 month old and own a home together... echoing what others say about sensing vulnerability and a craving for love.... be confident, so what, you have a kid, a lot of young people do now. Don't let it be the focus of your conversations, talk about you and your likes and interests and when they realise your not an easy target it will weedle out all the ones who want a shag and the ones that are been sincere. X

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 29/07/2017 23:45

I usually wait around 1-2 months before sleeping with them, so enough time I would've thought for them to give up if they were just after that. Apparently not

I am very up front about it, I always let the person I am dating know before we meet. I don't see the point in hiding it to reveal it later down the line...

OP posts:

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/07/2017 23:45

Why do you choose to have a scumbag as a friend Payricia

I do agree though that most are probably after an easy target for sex.

Delay having sex and you may have a better understanding of whether they are truly interested.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 29/07/2017 23:47

X post.

Then keep trying - you will find a good egg.

Fernanie · 29/07/2017 23:49

My brother (26) recently married a young (23) single mum. They were friends for a couple years, then dated for two years and got married.
He'd dated a couple girls in the past who were basically kids in women's bodies - quite self-obsessed, with no practical knowledge of how to survive outside of their parents' houses - and it was frustrating to him as someone who's been working and living independently for a long time. His now-wife has spent the last 4 years running her own home, balancing college and motherhood, budgeting her finances, putting her child's needs first and generally being an adult. He (quite rightly) has so much respect for her. It wasn't about a quick shag at all.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 30/07/2017 00:19

Fernanie That story makes me feel a lot more hopeful. I just think my experiences so far have led me to be very cynical and question the motivations of men.

I am very independent, and I am very happy on my own, but would like someone to have fun and share things with... so I don't think I come across as desperate or vulnerable.

OP posts:

BubblingUp · 30/07/2017 00:30

It's not just men in their 20s just looking for a shag - there are plenty of men in ALL age groups who are just looking for a shag. It doesn't have anything to do with you having a child. I'm mid-50s and it's still an issue.

Patriciathestripper1 · 30/07/2017 00:32

not and what have you based your revelation on?
I accept friends for who they are not what o expect them to be.
If I only chose people who fitted my mind set that would be ridiculous.

Josuk · 30/07/2017 00:35

OP - I am not sure the issue is specifically that you are a single mom. More, that most men (or people, in general) in the early-mid 20s are not really looking for anything serious yet.
And, frankly, why should they.
It's the age to explore, have fun, experience new places and things, finding themselves.
Settling down can be done in their 30s.

Which brings me to my next point. You are still so, so young. You must have friends, and some other goals in life, other that finding a bf.
If you just love your life, see other young people, go out with friends - you are quite likely to, eventually, meet someone you like and someone you'll have things in common.
OLD can wait. Really!

Josuk · 30/07/2017 00:36

If you just 'LIVE' your life, obv

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 30/07/2017 00:43

Josuk Of course, and as I stated in my original post I can't fathom why any man in his mid 20's who is just starting out in his career/life would want to date a single mum. It is the age to be out having fun and getting to know yourself. But then I also cannot understand why you would say you are looking for a relationship, when your actions clearly say otherwise...

I do have other friends and goals in life, but I would also like to meet someone that I can have fun with too. I miss the kind of intimacy that you cannot get from friends.

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 30/07/2017 00:52

Take a break from shagging random men and concentrate on you and your son.

You are so young and so is he. Concentrate on the best life you can give you both.

I would be worried if you are at home shagging with your son around..
(sorry if I missed him being out at granny's or dad's, friends', or neighbours/nursery).

I've got 40 years on you and as a LP myself, believe me, the best is yet to come, just concentrate on the 2 of you for now.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 30/07/2017 00:57

Iflyaway Wow what a presumptuous comment. First of all, I am hardly out shagging random men. These are men I have been on multiple dates with and been seeing for a couple of months before 'shagging' them. Secondly, I would never be at home 'shagging' men with my son around. None of these men have met my son, nor even stepped a foot inside my home (and they wouldn't until I had established that it was a serious relationship!)

I am very much concentrating on the best life I can give him, I have been working since he was 6 weeks old and continue to build my business every day. It would be nice to meet someone as I seldom get to go out much (no I don't dump him on granny), and when I do I would like to share that with someone I can have fun with.

OP posts:

silkpyjamasallday · 30/07/2017 00:59

The saying 'You have to kiss a few frogs...' comes to mind in your situation OP. Unfortunately online dating is chockablock with men looking for a shag, and they will hold out a while if all they have to do to keep you around is a bit of texting and one or two dates, then once they've achieved their goal they either ghost on you or keep you on the back burner with a few texts here and there incase they are having trouble finding any new willing participants.

You have to get better at weeding them out, but that skill will come with experience and there are plenty of good men who would have no issue if the woman they are interested in has a child. I only know a few single mums but they have all had no lack of interest from men, and some of them were around for quite some time and on meeting them they seemed nice normal people and clearly were not just there for sex.

What age ranges are you looking within? Maybe if you go up to say 35 if you haven't already (or even 40? I'm 22 as well but I accept not everyone would want to date someone that much older) you will meet someone with a bit more maturity and common decency, and someone more likely to have a child or children themselves so will be in the same situation as you and have real empathy although having children does not guarantee they aren't an arsehole.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 30/07/2017 01:08

silkpyjamasallday I think perhaps delaying sex more could be an option... but it seems extreme to delay it for more than 2 months just in case. I don't know. Both of the men I dated for a couple of months seemed very keen, texted a lot and I saw them multiple times before sleeping with them.

I have definitely gained life experience from my time online which is a huge positive, and I am a lot more cautious now because of my experiences.

I am looking more up to the 30 year old age range. I feel anything older would be too old and we wouldn't have much in common. One of the men I dated was late twenties and he had a child and he was still an arsehole so go figure

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 30/07/2017 01:13

Never mind single mum, I'm not being presumptious. Just realistic.

I love shagging, myself.

I just know by my age most men are bullshitting.

Luckily, I found my diamond. Hope you do too.

BadLad · 30/07/2017 01:17

But then I also cannot understand why you would say you are looking for a relationship, when your actions clearly say otherwise...

The explanation is simple. If someone is only wanting a quick shag, very often they will say what they think the other person wants to hear, in order to get that quick shag.

silkpyjamasallday · 30/07/2017 01:20

It must be so shitty because it is so hard to spot a good egg I really feel for you, I was totally taken in by the guy I was seeing before DP, he made loads of effort for dates but would often go silent for periods in between. We kept seeing each other for about 6 months after I first slept with him, but it became pretty clear he was only in it for a regular shag. It got to the point we hadn't spoken for a month, I bumped into DP who I'd known fancied for years and we spent the day together and kissed, the next day he sent a crude text basically booty calling me. I never replied and the rest is history. The right guy may come along when you least expect it.

MotherPie · 30/07/2017 01:22

I'm 24 with a 4 year old and I think being messed around is (unfortunately)often part and parcel of dating young - regardless of children. Yes men are interesting in single mums but I think you should just enjoy having fun dating. What sort of relationship do you want? I met someone on a dating site, a year later we spend a few days a week together, which is enough for me

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