Pressure to terminate... advice needed.

[SomeoneElseInstead]

posted this in chat before realising this is probably a better place...sorry

I'm hoping for advice for a friend of mine...

She was in a relationship for three months with a guy who she has known since they were teenagers (she is now late thirties and he is forty). Things moved quickly and he put quite a bit of pressure on her to commit, with talk of settling down and having kids. This panicked her a bit and she did ask him to slow down, which he did. They were having a great time, meeting each other's friends and having weekends away together.

A few days ago she found out that she is pregnant. She has always wanted kids but ideally wanted to be in a more settled relationship so the timing isn't ideal, but it wasn't a complete surprise as they hadn't been taking precautions.

She told him the same day and (in my opinion) he has behaved disgustingly. He told her that he was about to break up with her anyway (totally not the impression she had), that she will be selfish if she keeps the baby as it will "ruin his life" and he actually has no feelings for her at all. Just to re-iterate that this is a 40 year old man and not a teenager. He says he "doesn't believe in single parent families" and has told her that she won't be able to cope with a baby (my friend has had problems with insomnia and anxiety recently which is now under control).

She has a good job, but she will have zero help with a baby and no childcare and she will need to work full time to pay for nursery. She has told her mum who is hugely unsupportive and negative, also telling her that she won't be able to cope.

She wants this baby and recognises that it may be her last chance to have one. She desperately doesn't want a termination, but this utter wanker is bombarding her and pressurising her which is making her think that maybe he is right and she won't be able to cope.

I'm hoping for some positive stories of people who have been in a similar predicament. Also, although not ideal, I think that she may be better off looking into going on benefits for a few years if her salary doesn't stretch to childcare. How can she find out what she is entitled to?

Literally a week ago she was having a lovely time with a guy who was promising her the world and now she is alone, pregnant and terrified about the prospect of being a single mum. If she decides to go for a termination I totally respect that choice, but it isn't what she wants and she has said herself that the thought makes her feel ill and she will never forgive herself.

It sounds like she wants to keep the baby and no one should force her to terminate if she doesn't want to. It wouldn't be easy but she would manage. She should speak to the HMRC about claiming benefits - I believe there is a calculator online so she could see what she would be entitled to.

He will have to financially support the child even if he is being a twat. Fingers crossed he's not self employed

She needs to ignore other people and decide what she wants knowing that she will be on her own and that it is likely her last chance.

If he's working then she would receive CMS.

If she doesn't want to terminate, she shouldn't terminate.
I think her boyfriend has behaved appallingly and in her shoes she is better going solo.
I've been a single mum with a newborn and a toddler. It was tough, but it was the making of me. I'm pretty resilient and have a lovely bond with both my children that I put down to those years.

Total no-brainer: if she wants the child she should have it and tell the immature tosser to go fuck himself (after making the appropriate financial contributions to his child, that is - luckily for the child, this is not actually optional but the law).

I'm the most pro-choice person out there - but that is always pro-choice, which only means pro-termination when that's what the pregnant woman decides. Which she doesn't seem to want here.

The wanker, though, needs to go even if he 'changes his mind'. He's immature and mean and she deserves better. Alone, by the way, is also a lot better than with a tosser like this.

Oh and to add - my salary (part-time) was such that I broke even between working 3 days a week and staying home. Full time I'd have been worse off and struggled mentally.
I went back to work 3 days a week with the mindset that it wouldn't always be this way and I work in a competitive fast moving industry.
Sure enough, 10 years down the line, I'm married and running my own, successful business. The toddler is old enough to understand where we came from and where we are now and as a teenager he's really bloody proud of me 😊

If she wants the baby then she should keep her baby.

She should consider herself lucky that her exdp has shown his true colours now.

He can be as involved as he wants when the baby arrives but she should cut contact with him for now. Block him on social media etc.

Take a look at what she will be entitled to in support from the Gov and from him.

And this is why I often hate men.
Baby 'ruining his life' ffs!!!!

Your friend is in late 30s. She wants a baby. It is, quite possible and very likely her last chance.
There are plenty single moms around. My mom raised me on her own. I turned out OK. She did too.

Your friend's mom will come around once the grandchild arrives. The biological father will have to pay his share. Her job - and nursery care - will be sorted. At 4yo - the kid will go to school.

Two of my best friends had a baby in their late 30s. They did both try to find a partner to have a baby with with, but with not much luck had their babies with a donor sperm.

It's not always easy. Sure. But - neither of them would change their lives. Their sons are the true happiness of their lives.

If it helps, here's my story...
I was with my ex for 11 years, had house together, discussed having children and engaged to be married within following 2 years.
I was 35. Suddenly discovered I was pregnant shortly after losing my mum. I was overjoyed. Ex suddenly began to behave weirdly. Discovered he was having an affair and he pressurised me into having a termination saying the affair was because he was depressed after MY mum died and that he would commit suicide if I went ahead and kept it.
I remember both of us sobbing in the hospital but he kept going on about how he couldn't be held responsible etc. etc...
I had the termination and was distraught for a long time. I lost about 2 stone in a very short time as I virtually stopped eating.
He moved out just 3 days afterwards and carried on with his affair.
Luckily, I met someone else a few years later and amazingly had a child in my forties.
However, I still wonder 'what if?'
Please tell your friend to make the decision based entirely on what she feels most comfortable doing.

She should not go through with the termination if it is not what she wants. Her partner should have taken precautions if he did not want a pregnancy, and at his age he should know that.

Dump him and arrange for maintenance. He's a shit.

Thanks for the replies. No, he isn't self employed. It's just absurd that he thinks a baby will ruin his life when he clearly has no intention of being present. He pursued my friend and sucked her in, it just seems so cruel.

Hi,

I wanted to contribute to this discussion because this sounds very much like my own personal story.

I had an unplanned pregnancy 8 years ago when I was 30, due to a contraception fail. The father (slightly older than me) was unlikely to ever be someone who I would settle down with despite my feelings for him.

When I told him needless to say he wasn't best pleased and simply assumed I'd have a termination. I wasn't so sure. He tried to bully me into a termination - threats, put-downs, guilt trips, everything basically came out the bag to the point of me being fairly terrified of him. I had made it clear that if I was to go ahead it was to be as a single parent and I wouldn't need any involvement from him (including financial btw). This still wasn't acceptable to him.

The decision was a tough one to make and I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision for the right reasons. I approached pragmatically drawing up a list of pros and cons. I did some research into the finances, and looked at how my income could absorb the cost of raising a child. I worked out that it could in theory be possible but was it right for me and the child emotionally, morally etc.

I saw a counsellor through my job to gain some clarity. I attended the appointment for the termination a couple of times and one doctor said I shouldn't go ahead if I was being pressurise; another said I shouldn't panic about my fertility.

Ultimately it had to be my decision though. Fortunately my mother and family were supportive so I went ahead.

It's been tough, I'm not going to lie. I wouldn't do it again in the same circumstances. However if my choice was to do it this way or not at all, I would still do it.

8 years on I feel like I've made it with a LOT of hard work and personal sacrifices. My child is happy, well-adjusted, smart and confident.

His dad continues to terrorise me and hassle me and chop and change his mind about seeing his child for the first three years of his life. It was not fun and really screwed me up. I carried a lot of excess and unnecessary guilt and shame. I had to cut him out. My kid definitely felt that absence in some ways even though he never knew him.

However the best bit of my story is that about a year and a half ago his dad got in touch and now has regular contact with him and it's going really well. We all get on brilliantly. I NEVER thought we'd get there and it's a bit bittersweet because part of me is like "why couldn't you be this person back then." I've managed to forgive him and forgive myself. I feel vindicated and it's like the final piece of the puzzle has slotted into place.

I am happy. My child is happy. I like my life.

Wow, your stories go to show what strength you have. I'll definitely show her this thread. I really do think the baby will be the making of her, as others have said has happened in their experiences. I also agree that you're better off knowing he's a douche from the off rather than it coming as a shock later on.

If she goes on this link there are two benefits checkers she can use to see what help she could get.
www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

I was in similar circumstances. Late thirties accidentally pregnant by a guy (promised the world but turned into an asshole)

I knew it was my last chance. I knew I would end up a single mum.

If she really wants it then she should. It will be tough at times but she can do it.
My dd is a lovely well adjusted 8 year old. No contact with the father.

She is pregnant and will probably be feeling the effects of hormones which in my experience only make anxieties worse. Can you perhaps sit and go through exactly what it is that worries her about being a single mum? Talking it through may help to calm her down and see things on a more balanced level. So she may choose to stop working for 4/5 years till the child is in school. Thats only a few years and if money is an issue there are many ways to save. It reminds of a fb post I saw recently. 'Babies are not expensive, lifestyles are' If you choose all the latest fads and toys and shop new for everything then yes it can be tough but get used to second and for most stuff and look for bargains its not really that bad.And for the record HE is an absolute twat.

Only 4 words matter here:

She wants this baby

If that's the case she can make it work - being a mum that is, not being in a relationship with this selfish tosser.

Why on earth weren't they taking precautions?

No, she should just not bother with contraception and then go on benefits. The minute she decided to not bother with contraception, she should have been saving for those childcare costs!

But financially, I expect that over the long term she's better off staying in her job anyway.

• chances of part time work or flexible around child care are higher
• getting back into work after a few years break when you're 40 isn't going to be easy
• continuous employment may make promotion / salary progression more likely
• some benefits (like childcare vouchers and 30 hours funded childcare for 3-4 years) are in work benefits

She's got what - 6 months? - to save every single penny. There'll probably be child maintenance - if he's in a regular employed position it'll be hard to dodge, eventually as she can get an attachment of earnings. As she's late 30s with a good job, does she have her own house? She could think about moving to smaller house or cheaper area to get some money back out of the house. And if she has room, she could get a lodger now and bank every penny.

I was single from 7 months pregnant, baby is now 11 months old and I have to say it has been hard at times but i am happier than I've ever been, my child brings so much light into my life she is worth all the heartache I went through with her father a million times over. Also I gave up work to move closer to home and will go back part time soon. I live relatively frugally but I have more disposable income than I ever did. If it's what your friend wants, she should go for it

Ellisandra. Where did it say she was NOT taking precautions? CM can be hard to get and might even be backdated which is no use when you need it in present time. Especially from a twat like him. She has put enough into the benefits system why should't she take some back. She worked for it.

sorry I actually missed the part where she wasn't being careful.

Lots of people can give advice on here, but ultimately your friend must decide what to do. She could ask the GP to talk to a professional if she wanted. At her age, it may be her last chance as her experience with this man may put her off sex for life!

He just doesn't want a child maintenance bill. She has seen what he is like and should feel grateful at the lucky escape from a psychopath. I do know of a situation similar to this, he failed to take responsibility, she had the child anyway and while they had some legal battles over housing and maintenance, I don't think she regrets having the child. She can get child-care, tax credits and child benefit to top up wages. Single parenthood is hardly a stigma these days...it is another common household formation! She should be prepared for a fight over 'who is the Daddy' (aka the DNA test) from the father if she goes ahead, but she clearly knows the answer so there will be no problem there.

How on earth do you know she has "put enough in" to the benefits system Lilqueenie?

Most us are not net contributors.

And it's not a bloody Xmas club!

You are right that CM is not always easy and isn't instant. But neither is stopping work instant. She should save every penny between now and stopping work - that'll tide her through some of the time she might be waiting for CM. Also late 30s with a good job, she probably has all sorts she can start ebaying. Saving, ebaying, getting a lodger (if she can) are all things she should be doing and staying in work, instead of claiming benefits.

Just ridiculous not to have been using contraception.

That doesn't change the fact that he's a total arsehole though.

So if you work then need help you should not get it if you have not worked enough to earn that right? Shes got off her ass and worked so why not take some before putting more back again? Lots of people never work a day in their life through laziness and live off handouts using for drugs and alcohol. then there are those who intend on using it to get by. The baby is wanted regardless of how it came about. OP is a legitimate case for NOT scrounging the system and using it for the purpose intended.

I do not think that any of the policy advisors who proposed on the welfare state suggested that it's intended purpose was for people to not bother with contraception

I have not said at all that the OP shouldn't get benefits because she hasn't worked enough. I told you - the system is not a Xmas club. It is largely irrelevant what you have put in (contributions based calculations excepted).

I do not agree with you that OP should take because she has put in it.

I do not agree that she shouldn't take because she hasn't put in.

I think that she shouldn't give up work for benefits because I think that long term it's a financially poor decision.

Even if I think it's ridiculous that she didn't bother with contraception, of course there's no way of policing that in the benefit system - and a child shouldn't be penalised anyway.

But your position of "of you've put enough in" is wrong, I believe. It should be her last resort. I don't even think it's her best resort. She has a good job - stay in it, save some money, and pay for her own bloody deliberately or recklessly conceived child!