Pressure to terminate... advice needed.

[SomeoneElseInstead]

posted this in chat before realising this is probably a better place...sorry

I'm hoping for advice for a friend of mine...

She was in a relationship for three months with a guy who she has known since they were teenagers (she is now late thirties and he is forty). Things moved quickly and he put quite a bit of pressure on her to commit, with talk of settling down and having kids. This panicked her a bit and she did ask him to slow down, which he did. They were having a great time, meeting each other's friends and having weekends away together.

A few days ago she found out that she is pregnant. She has always wanted kids but ideally wanted to be in a more settled relationship so the timing isn't ideal, but it wasn't a complete surprise as they hadn't been taking precautions.

She told him the same day and (in my opinion) he has behaved disgustingly. He told her that he was about to break up with her anyway (totally not the impression she had), that she will be selfish if she keeps the baby as it will "ruin his life" and he actually has no feelings for her at all. Just to re-iterate that this is a 40 year old man and not a teenager. He says he "doesn't believe in single parent families" and has told her that she won't be able to cope with a baby (my friend has had problems with insomnia and anxiety recently which is now under control).

She has a good job, but she will have zero help with a baby and no childcare and she will need to work full time to pay for nursery. She has told her mum who is hugely unsupportive and negative, also telling her that she won't be able to cope.

She wants this baby and recognises that it may be her last chance to have one. She desperately doesn't want a termination, but this utter wanker is bombarding her and pressurising her which is making her think that maybe he is right and she won't be able to cope.

I'm hoping for some positive stories of people who have been in a similar predicament. Also, although not ideal, I think that she may be better off looking into going on benefits for a few years if her salary doesn't stretch to childcare. How can she find out what she is entitled to?

Literally a week ago she was having a lovely time with a guy who was promising her the world and now she is alone, pregnant and terrified about the prospect of being a single mum. If she decides to go for a termination I totally respect that choice, but it isn't what she wants and she has said herself that the thought makes her feel ill and she will never forgive herself.

Her partner should have taken precautions if he did not want a pregnancy, and at his age he should know that.
^ this. With knobs on. He didn't prevent it, she didn't prevent it, they both get to live with the consequences. He only has to pay maintenance whereas she has to deal with every single other aspect of it, and that's why she gets to make the decision.

Valid points all round. I get where you're coming from, from a financial POV. The benefits thing was my suggestion TBH. He is still putting the pressure on at this point and she is starting to resign herself to a termination, although it really isn't what she wants. It's the lack of emotional support that she is frightened of. He is just such a massive c#%^. I have no idea how to man will be able to live with himself knowing he has forced a the woman he purported to love to take this action

Difficult. The heart says have the baby but the head says to get rid of it.
If he is being that insistent he doesn't want it, she better get used to the idea that she will get no support from him, regardless of CMA. Up to her but I'd terminate if I were her. Head rules heart.

When I shared my story to help I focussed on the emotional burden I felt when faced with a similar scenario as the OP's friend.

However I can also share some genuine insights from the practical side to, particular the financial which can seem the most daunting. Sorry it's another long one but I've been there and faced these exact same questions and issues and worked out some but not all the answers!

The Joseph Rowntree Foundation report into the minimum income standard for a lone parent with one child is circa £26,000 - ocsi.uk/2015/11/02/calculating-the-living-wage-the-minimum-income-standard/

I have worked full time since my son has been 6 months old and have relied on full time nursery position and wraparound care for the school years. I have mostly earned circa £30k with some variation over the years. In the beginning due to my household income I was eligible to claim around £200 a month in child tax credits (for the childcare element) when I was paying between £600 and £800 a month for full time nursery. I managed. You make sacrifices and I met all my major outgoings each month with a little left over.

When preparing as a single parent it's important to look at how you'd manage with the worst case scenario ie your current income and the assumption that nothing else is available but be mindful that nothing stays fixed for ever - you may find flexible working arrangements, you may meet a partner, the baby's dad may contribute etc.

You don't actually need that much outlay in the beginning - loads of people will want to donate baby equipment and anything that you buy new can be sold on.

Even if it seems like there is no support network now - you will get to know mums in your local community who can become a source of support if you let them and if you put yourself out there. I was never very good at this but it works for other people. You will need support with babysitting because breaks are really important for mental health, particularly when working.

If your friend has troubles with anxiety etc then she can flag this up with her midwife team who can give her extra support and put her on red alert for post natal depression.

The bottom line is that if she wants the baby it is all possible, and the prospect of being responsible for another life is massive motivation for driving forward and finding solutions. It's amazing how resilient we all can be and it's a massive confidence builder.

Her partner's behaviour and reaction is not a good enough reason for her not to go ahead with the pregnancy if everything else is in place. I would recommend she goes away for a while, switches off her phone so she can get some clarity on her own.

Also, while my baby's father was vile for a few years I think he has genuinely come to regret his behaviour and I'm guessing that he can now see how much he's missed out.

However it is difficult to stay strong and stand up to such vile and manipulative abuse. Again I've been there and it was that bit that was sometimes the toughest. I had some good people around me. I also went to the police just to see what options I have - I didn't want to press charges or force an arrest. I was just scared.

The hardest bit was the moment when I had to say "I'm having this baby" - all hell broke out for a while but then things settled and I just focused on the pregnancy. I was frightened of unleashing that moment and that's what bullies thrive on. To have a termination to avoid someone's wrath - someone who didn't even care about me - could have had serious repercussions on my mental health.

clara Thank you so much for this. So helpful.