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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need some reassurance please 😕

39 replies

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 08:26

It's probably a small thing to you but I need some reassurance. My partner told me in reference to his ex "my relationship with my ex was a perfect relationship, we never argued" he then went on to say that a psychologist would say that was unhealthy - unfortunately my brain has hooked on to the words "perfect" and now I can't help feeling like I can't live up to this perfect relationship where they agreed about everything. I'm not into arguing but I'm a passionate woman and I've had a lot happen to me so I'm not always going to have a perfect temperament. He says his ex was very controlling and passive aggressive. She also was seeing someone behind his back. He's quite conflict avoidant. I wish he hadn't told me that it was the "perfect relationship" - makes me want to crawl into a hole! He doesn't speak much to his ex now and says he wouldn't speak to her again if it wasn't to communicate about the kids. I wish I wasn't so hung up about what he said. I don't think he meant for it to hurt as much as it's hurting me. I just feel not good enough. I've got a lot of painful family stuff going on right now with my mother being sick so I'm not feeling the most confident and secure.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 29/07/2017 08:54

Read your post back to yourself.
It was so far from perfect it's just mad.
She was controlling.
Passive aggressive
A liar
A cheat
Where is the 'perfect' here?!
Don't stress about it.
Seems to me he's trying to make you live up to something that wasn't there!
Don't fall for it.
He's doesn't sound nice.

Ellisandra · 29/07/2017 08:58

I don't think he doesn't sound nice. He said a professional would call it unhealthy.
Sounds like it was said in the context of "from the outside it looked perfect but underneath it was all shades of shit".

You know him - is he in the habit of trying to make you feel bad?

Sounds to me like it's your issues to deal with. Context is everything though!

TatianaLarina · 29/07/2017 09:06

In this circumstance I think the problem is yours. What he appeared to be saying was that it may have seemed like a perfect relationship in that they never argued, but actually it was unhealthy as she was controlling, pa, unfaithful. Sounds like the reason they didn't argue was because he avoided it as he doesn't like conflict.

So you are taking something he didn't actually mean and obsessing over it in your head. This is about your relationship to yourself - your self esteem and self destructive patterns.

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:10

he is so nice - but a bit tactless - he wants to be honest but sometimes I feel like he's got zero understanding of women even though he's been in two very very long term relationships. he's been talking more about her passive aggressive controlling behaviour recently because he's started to see it more clearly for what it was (we've been together 8 months) It's good to just see it listed like you did though HellsBells, you are right - it couldn't have been perfect - in fact it sounds pretty shit. I may not be "perfect" but I'm not a liar and a cheat. It's definitely my problem to deal with in my head - I just find it so hard to deal with him saying "my relationship with my ex was perfect." Makes me want to scream and run away! 😡😱😭

OP posts:

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:12

He only told me about the passive aggressive stuff later so the "perfect" seed had time to grow into a Triffid in my painfully insecure brain

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 29/07/2017 09:17

It's not true though is it? It wasn't a perfect relationship, she wasn't perfect, he's not perfect.

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:25

We had just had an argument when he said it. So it came off the back of my "imperfect" behaviour. Made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

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Ellisandra · 29/07/2017 09:27

Not that conflict avoidant then, is he?

Nainer123 · 29/07/2017 09:27

I don't think he meant it was a perfect relationship from what you've written. I think he probably used the wrong word I think he literally meant that they never argued. He himself said it wasn't healthy and has told you other things that weren't good about it so he most likely doesn't think it was perfect and has just used the wrong word. Is he one for saying things without really thinking? Sounds like that's what he's done rather than actually think that was perfect (there would be aomethig far wrong if he thought that shit was perfect)
I wouldn't worry about it Too much, hes with you :) and in my opinion 2 people tryi g to merge their lives together is going to cause hiccups and arguments along the way I think arguments can be very healthy (just not constantly but some when needed)

TatianaLarina · 29/07/2017 09:28

He's just using his past relationship as a stick to beat you with. You know now what he said is baloney. Is he always this immature?

Don't waste time obsessing over being a perfect partner to man who is himself imperfect.

The real question is whether you actually want to be with him.

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:30

Maybe he's forced to be more open with me - because I'll express my annoyance or hurt at things so he has to then get into it with me and address it - saying that, we've only had one or two disagreements in the 8 months. My ex and I argued probably the average way - we have a healthy co-parenting relationship as exes now though and no one was unfaithful.

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Ellisandra · 29/07/2017 09:31

My opinion could change totally depending on how this argument went.
Some men who accuse their ex of being controlling, passive aggressive and cheating turn out to be describing themselves.

How well did you know him before you got together with him?
What are these "tactless" moments where he wants to be "honest".

This could be all your own issue, or he could be an utter shit.

Ellisandra · 29/07/2017 09:33

8 months in and you're expressed annoyance and hurt? How often?

After 2 years, my boyfriend has annoyed me once (minor, easily dealt with) and hurt me NEVER.

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:35

I think maybe with relationships that start later in life there's a lot of reflection on the past - and some of that can come out verbally when really it's a conversation he needs to have with friends, not me. He's been single a long time before me and it's suddenly occurred to me he might be processing the old bad stuff now he's in a secure non p.a. relationship and he's making comparisons.

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Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:41

Ellisandra, his ex was definitely those things - I've been told by several mutual friends. I don't think he's that way himself - I think he's just a bit tactless so when he says things to reassure me they come out the other way (a bit of background info here - I was physically attacked by the first date I went on after my divorce so I can get quite insecure and tearful.) my problem is the dissonance between him saying it wa perfect and the reality and just understanding that is starting to help

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Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:44

I'm on a waiting list for counselling - I just don't want to break up with a lovely man because I'm insecure and feeling like I don't measure up!

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Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:46

Thinking about it also - I did in the past have a boyfriend who constantly compared me to his ex and so this is probably triggering that in me too.

OP posts:

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 29/07/2017 09:47

Just by the very fact the relationship no longer exists it obviously wasn't perfect, was it? It's an illogical thing for your OH to say.

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 09:48

I really appreciate the support though as I know it's been eating me up and I've not talked about it with anyone as I've been feeling silly about it

OP posts:

Queenofthedrivensnow · 29/07/2017 19:08

It's a weird thing to say. Exh said this about his first wife. Who waited until he was abroad to change the locks and issue divorce proceedings.....I got a non mol when I left.....

Original poster

AvocadoBathroom · 29/07/2017 20:00

I just need to be clear, he's not an abusive or bad guy at all. he would be mortified that it's made me feel this insecure. He's lovely to my kids, really kind to my sick mother. His ex was very materialistic and into fancy cars and expensive clothes, and he lost a lot of money to her when they split, so sometimes when he says things about her to me - I get insecure and feel like I don't match up - especially as I'm a scatterbrained bookworm teacher with no money and second hand clothes! When he says things about her, it's not to make me feel bad - the problem really is mine and I know it, that he is really telling me that he's happier now, but it's difficult for me to relax and feel like I'm enough when I know they led such an opulent and "perfect on the outside" relationship. What doesn't help is that I knew them through my brother when they were together, they were Facebook friends & they would pop up in my Facebook feed when they would post pictures of themselves on very expensive holiday etc. The kind of things he might say that are tactless are "That dress is very nice, you've got great taste. The Ex wouldn't wear something like that because it's not a famous label." It's not that he's trying to be mean, but in his praising of me he can end up saying comparitive things that are too detailed about her and I just start imagining I'm a downgrade! I don't want to tell him I'm as insecure as I am as it's one thing to be a bit batshit, it's another to actually admit it to your bf!

OP posts:

NinonDeLenclos · 29/07/2017 20:44

It's perfectly ok to ask him not to make direct comparisons with her even if they're in your favour. There's no real need for him to mention her. My husband never spoke about exes unless I asked him specific questions - and that was years and years ago. And I don't talk about mine either.

She sounds awful and his relationship with her sounds awful too, so I'm not sure why you're taking materialism as an indication that they had any kind of perfect life together - people are often into that kind of stuff when they have something missing.

Shayelle · 29/07/2017 20:46

Could ypu ask outright to him immediately why he has to compare his ex to you? Everytime he does it. He may not realise hes doing it -he needs to be made aware, clearly, its not nice and i feel sorry for you!! X

Ellisandra · 29/07/2017 22:37

It's totally OK to ask him not to mention her a lot, especially in comparisons.

But the comment about the designer dress... that's all coming from you, it wasn't a bad thing to say at all.

If the comparisons are constant then he shouldn't have said it - but as a stand alone sentence, he was nice about you and the comparison is negative about her, not you.

SteppingOnToes · 29/07/2017 23:00

"That dress is very nice, you've got great taste. The Ex wouldn't wear something like that because it's not a famous label."

Nope that is emotionally abusive behaviour of someone who is passive aggressive themselves - as is the claim of wanting things to be perfect, implying that you aren't. Run! He's projecting his own behaviour on his ex - I very much doubt she was as he said...

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201202/backhanded-compliments-and-sugarcoated-hostility

littlebirdflies.wordpress.com/2017/04/02/abusive-compliments/

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