I need some reassurance please 😕

[AvocadoBathroom]

It's probably a small thing to you but I need some reassurance. My partner told me in reference to his ex "my relationship with my ex was a perfect relationship, we never argued" he then went on to say that a psychologist would say that was unhealthy - unfortunately my brain has hooked on to the words "perfect" and now I can't help feeling like I can't live up to this perfect relationship where they agreed about everything. I'm not into arguing but I'm a passionate woman and I've had a lot happen to me so I'm not always going to have a perfect temperament. He says his ex was very controlling and passive aggressive. She also was seeing someone behind his back. He's quite conflict avoidant. I wish he hadn't told me that it was the "perfect relationship" - makes me want to crawl into a hole! He doesn't speak much to his ex now and says he wouldn't speak to her again if it wasn't to communicate about the kids. I wish I wasn't so hung up about what he said. I don't think he meant for it to hurt as much as it's hurting me. I just feel not good enough. I've got a lot of painful family stuff going on right now with my mother being sick so I'm not feeling the most confident and secure.

Yes I totally now see it's been coming from me - I suppose I'm suffering from low self esteem and I can't see what he sees in me as I'm so directly opposite what she was.

No ut's not coming from you - it's him trying to drag you down. He's a passive-agressive emotionally abusive arsehole

I really don't feel comfortable diagnosing him as passive aggressive when I know he's trying to explain & communicate with me the difficulty in the past relationship and I know it's my self esteem issues that are making me more sensitive to his comments that can probably be addressed and trained out of him now that I'm aware of the problem. I don't want to push away a good, kind man, because of an insecurity that I can work on. He NEVER says anything that insults me. They aren't backhanded compliments. He says things to try and explain what he's feeling but sometimes his use of words or detail leave me knowing too much about his ex. This isn't a case of an abusive partner that I need to run away from. It's more a case of now working out how to tactfully address it both in him and deal with the overreaction in myself.

He's making you question yourself - that's why he's doing it... He's slowly trying to erode your self esteem. Usually partners who say a lot about their exes are projecting their own behaviours on them - decent men don't bitch about their exes to their current...

I also don't think calling him names like an emotionally abusive arsehole is at all helpful! I said in my original post that I don't think he means to hurt my feelings. I'm not being gaslit, this is a man who in every other interaction is considerate and supportive.

Jesus I think people are looking waaaay too much into this. To me this has read as a man has used the wrong word (probably without thinking about it) and the woman has fixated on this word. I honestly feel you should just speak to him about how it makes you feel when he brings up his ex (whether it's innocent, which it sounds like it Is, or not) and you need to work a bit on your self worth and how you see yourself. From what you say you think he's a good man and he sounds like a good man to me except the bringing up his ex. He probably doesn't even realise he's doing it. Not all men are calculated. Just speak to him, I bet it works out.

Also he's with you and not his ex for a reason so you're obviously enough to him. I can't remember exactly what you said but you seem to be aware that you need to work on your self esteem a bit. Maybe talking to him and makig making him aware might help?

I honestly think communication is key and this situation can be easily fixed.

yes Nainer123, I think that's the way forward now. This is not something I've spoken about to anyone before it's just been niggling away at me and I just needed some reassurance and a bit of common sense to get it in perspective. I'll talk to him about it when I see him next.

My word, I don't thing he's PA at all.

However, I've never once felt it necessary to make a comparison between and Ex and my DH (to his face anyway) ... neither has he... And we've been together over 20 years.

Yep, I think this is being over thought. Just talk to him and lay it out. He might not even realise. I think you have a problem on your hands if you speak to him and he continues to do it knowing how upset it makes you, but that's not what's happened here. Just have a proper chat 🙂

My brother is up late on messenger so I asked him just now what he thought. Reply was slightly baffled as you can imagine - but then he said "I know she didn't let him see his friends much. Maybe he's coming out of a fog because he knows he's got a good girlfriend now and he wants you to know it." I said yes, but maybe I don't need to know too much given I've got a lot on my mind right now and he said he would go out for a drink with my OH and give him a chance to talk about her and the breakup and all that stuff, get it out of his system. I think that's a good idea because I think like a lot of men, he probably didn't talk about the breakup with anyone at the time so he's doing some of his healing by talking to me, now he's in a good place - except I'm not in a good place to just listen in a supportive way without comparing myself. I'll maybe wait to talk to him about it until he brings it up again and then say I don't want to talk about her anymore unless it's to do with the kids or current issues, and no more details about the past.

That sounds like a good idea 🙂 and talking to him when/if he brings her into conversation again sounds like a good plan. It's not unreasonable either, I'd hate it if my dp compared me to his ex's and I'd definitely bring it up with him. Maybe he brings her up as a kind of 'thank God you're not like that' but doesn't realise that it's not being taken as a compliment

Nainer123 I think that's exactly what he's thinking when he saying it - it's just like with the thing about the dress, I'm standing there ready to go out in a lovely dress that I've paid 3 quid for in the Cats Defence League shop and I don't need to be thinking about him having bought her a dress for 600 pounds made by some designer even if he does regret the purchase!

My brother just sent me this

Hahahaha sounds about right!! Arguments can be healthy! Fuck living like that hahaha