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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to expect 6 months in

51 replies

likebeyoncedoes · 28/07/2017 18:57

I have written one thread in the past and found it very useful
And interesting . Just wondering - what would you expect from a relationship 6 months in ? What discussions about future might you have / not have . What would you be expecting to see / feel / hear? My past relationship was v ea so my sense of normal isn't quite as it should be yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 28/07/2017 21:15

I know ,
I really
Will won't I. I'm a professional who's done really
Well
As a single parent but with this I'm
Loosing my head!!!

OP posts:
eirrah · 28/07/2017 21:15

6 months in and we had moved in together and discussed marriage and children! 18 months later we are planning our wedding x

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 28/07/2017 21:18

Did you have kids before eirah ?

OP posts:
FrogsLegs31 · 28/07/2017 21:29

Above all else you're going to have to remember two facts here;

You cannot change his mind on this.

You will lose him if you push him about it.

If you like him so much, you deal with your baggage and wait and see or you definitely lose him in the near future.

Catra · 28/07/2017 21:31

My relationship had a major wobble 6 months in because I was ready to live together and he wasn't - we'd both said the L word very early on and sincerely meant it and we were so effortlessly compatible on so many levels that it felt like we'd been together for far longer, which is why I couldn't get my head around the fact he wanted to move at a slower pace than me - in all my previous long term relationships we were living together by the 6 month mark and it hurt that when this relationship felt so right in comparison that he didn't want to take it to the next level as swiftly as I did.

In retrospect, there was a good reason those other relationships didn't work out –perhaps we thought we truly knew each other by that stage when we didn't and in more than one instance, attraction overshadowed emotional abuse.

In the end I had to trust that my partner was sincere and committed to me, he just didn't want to rush into things. Our timeline went like this - moved in together 18 months in, engaged 3 years in, married 4 years in and 6 years in we are expecting our first child. It feels 100% right and what felt like a long wait for him to catch up with me now feels like no time at all.

sorryho0p · 28/07/2017 21:35

You'll scare him off at this rate. You're going to mess it up unless you slow down and back off

I'd be feeling pressure and heat if I were him

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 28/07/2017 21:45

Catra- v v interesting story - glad all is going well ❤️. Sorry - I fear you may be right

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/07/2017 21:51

6 months is far too early to expect to discuss living together in anything but the most general terms like...

I am interested in a relationship with someone who is looking for a relationship which will at some point involve cohabiting (or kids, or marriage, or swinging, or whatever floats your boat)

I wouldn't personally date a man who knew he wasn't looking for a long term committed relationship, living together.

But I'd be perfectly happy with a man who at 6 months said that was his preference but he has no idea yet if it was with me.

You need to slow down! Especially with kids!

I was engaged after 3 months, but because we both have kids, we won't marry and live together until 3 years!

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 28/07/2017 21:55

I do need to slow down. He does say that he isn't interested in just a dating relationship. I've made it vv clear that I want commitment / long term not just someone to date each week. He understands that and appreciates that but feel at 6 months chat of
Moving in is too soon. He tells
Me that I'm not letting our relationship happen naturally

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 28/07/2017 22:10

He's right.

Why would you talk about moving in with a man after 6 months when there are two sets of kids to think about?

Princesspinkgirl · 28/07/2017 22:33

6 months into mine i was pregnant were still happy tho however in a diff point 6 months in still should be fun no stress no worries just seeing how it goes

TheNaze73 · 29/07/2017 07:29

Kids or no kids involved, 6 months in is way too soon to be moving in together.

Why the rush? Enjoy the dating, it's the best bit.

sorryho0p · 29/07/2017 23:49

Carry on like this and mark my words, he'll finish it. Just stop talking about this stuff for goodness sake. It's so stifling

Concentrate on your kids and see this man for dates. Anything else you're trying to engineer is going to backfire

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 30/07/2017 07:44

Fair enough

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 30/07/2017 07:57

You shouldn't yet be going to the toilet in front of each other...
That's a signal of a certain type of intimacy.

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 31/07/2017 22:34

Well no ! Doors firmly locked

OP posts:
Offred · 31/07/2017 23:02

Hmm... but you don't want someone to be that kind of 'crazy' about you though!

Someone who is fast forwarding you like your EA ex is EA.

This guy is wanting to take things at a sensible pace. You both have children to consider. If you didn't perhaps talking about moving in after six months might not be quite so risky but 6 months in you don't really know each other well enough to know how moving in would work.

With kids to think about you need to give it several years before you move in together really, be sure you all know each other well enough to know how it is likely to go. Six months is barely time for meeting each other's kids TBF.

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 01/08/2017 08:13

Yes I know . I guess I just felt it was due to him not liking me enough . Plus I didn't get what we are waiting for if we both love one another . But this thread has helped me see I need to just slow it down right away

OP posts:
category12 · 01/08/2017 17:57

Love isn't enough. It sounds cynical but it's not - you can feel all the feelings, and it doesn't mean it will work out or that you're compatible - and when you have dc it's important not to take the risks of someone you don't know well enough moving in too soon and ending up moving out again, or it turning out to be an unhealthy relationship that they have no choice but to be exposed to.

In the heat of early infatuation, people might not pick up on personality traits/differences that will break them apart or cause friction. And when someone's been in an abusive relationship, their boundaries and expectations are often out of whack, and they are drawn to what is familiar, (love-bombing, hot & cold, tumult, intensity).

Why do you want to rush to commit to living together anyway? Isn't the going out, anticipation of nights together, making time to have fun worth hanging onto, over rushing into washing dirty pants domestic life together?

Offred · 01/08/2017 18:33

Ok, we'll try thinking about it this way;

Love is needed for a relationship. What's needed for living together, having kids, being married is commitment. It is unwise to make a commitment until you have good reason to believe it is wise.

It's like buying a used car. You might love the pictures of it online and be absolutely convinced it is the one for you but if you bought it without a test drive you'd be lucky it wasn't a complete banger!

Even if you were lucky and it is perfectly fine to drive, little niggles about it could grow to big resentments that mean you come to hate it because you might realise that it doesn't have cup holders where you like and 'if only' you'd taken it for a test drive you'd have known that every bloody day you'd have to drive to work with a coffee cup in between your thighs and you'd be wishing you had a chance to look at something else.

Your fast forwarding EA ex was a shiny looking car with the bottom about to fall out due to rust. He looked amazing in the pics, so amazing you just went ahead and believed to dodgy salesman who sold him to you because the kick you got from that too good to be true promise was just so addictive.

Offred · 01/08/2017 18:35

Then the bottom fell out after you handed over your money.

You're back looking at cars online....

Don't make the same mistake again.

Offred · 01/08/2017 18:38

(And in your case, you want to put your kids in the car? Pfft.... nah, you'd make damn sure that car was safe and wasn't going to hurt them before you did that)

Original poster
likebeyoncedoes · 05/08/2017 08:50

Thank you. You're right! Being with a divorced man is tough. As I know that he's previously done all the marriage / moving in stuff and now he's more
Hesitant/ taking his time with me. But I do get the logic behind it and I do know he wants to avoid anymore hurt etc. Just sometimes think it would have been easier with a non divorced man but he is ever so
Lovely

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 05/08/2017 09:50

He isnt being hesitant / takng his time. He is going at A NORMAL PACE! You need to stop thinking that speed means commitment and love. It dorsnt. It can mean control.

OzzyOsbourne · 05/08/2017 11:10

Similar situation, OP. I've been with my boyfriend five months and am so keen on him. I'm really trying to hold myself back - not that I want to move in with him but I keep thinking something should be happening. I haven't even told him I love him (I do) because I don't want to push anymore.

He's just enjoying the moment and we're getting closer naturally.