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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to cope when your partner has cheated on you

45 replies

Zoila15 · 28/07/2017 16:54

Hi all. Posting on here because I am going crazy at the moment with the heartache and all the emotions that go through my head. I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. She contacted me on messenger and sent me screen shorts of their WhatsApp messages which indicate that they have been seeing each other for at least three months behind my back. Also, all the dates on these messages seem to coincide with the time that we were not together. My heart desperately refuses to believe that it is true but my head is full of facts. I tried talking to him about it but he refused to discuss anything, didn't want to look at the messages and said that she is making it all up. I am extremely upset and can't eat or sleep properly. It all happen 3 days ago. I love him but obviously I need to trust to be able to carry on with his relationship. We haven't broken up yet. I just don't know how to cope with this all. We are both in our 40s and I did develop strong feelings for him. Will I get over it? Please, if anybody has been in a similar situation , how did you cope? Any advice/thoughts would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance

OP posts:
JustMumNowNotMe · 28/07/2017 16:56

How long have you been together? Do you have any children together?

Lovemusic33 · 28/07/2017 16:57

The same happened to me at Christmas, I kicked dp out straight away, I was so angry and upset. There's no way I could have considered staying with him (although I loved him I also wanted to kill him). It was hard going no contact but I got through it, I'm not sure if I could trust a man again but I am so pleased I didn't take him back. Once a cheat always a cheat.

BitchQueen90 · 28/07/2017 17:00

How to cope? You LTB.

Hunted68 · 28/07/2017 17:01

If he is just a bf and you have no kids then leave him. Zero to keep you there!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2017 17:03

Him refusing to talk about it says all you need to know. Dump his sorry ass.

TDHManchester · 28/07/2017 17:09

Dump if there are no ties. What is her motivation for sending such messages anyway? Is he now going to run back to her after she has breached the implied trust of their illicit trysts? I am sure there are plenty of nice chaps who would love to meet you and even if not, you;d be better without this one and his excess baggage

Adora10 · 28/07/2017 17:12

And you are still with him, my god, salvage what he's left of your self esteem and tell him to GFT, now!

Of course it's true, he even has the audacity to refuse to discuss it, he seems to think no matter how badly he treats you, you'll stick around and suck it up, which is what you are currently doing.

Why on god's earth is he still there with you, get him gone today, you will feel much better after a couple of days and see him for the cheating sleazy lying git that he is; but not if you allow him to stay and destroy you even more; love yourself, he sure as hell doesn't.

Original poster
Zoila15 · 28/07/2017 17:50

We have known each other for 5 months and things were getting very serious. I did fall in love with him and trusted him my heart. I just find it all just so unbelievable!!!! How can anyone do that? He proposed to me, was always so loving and caring, got on with my kids really well, met my friends etc I met his son etc. Everything seemed to be going so well! Yes, he refused talking about it and said that I am "bringing drama into his life". He also said that he has never loved anybody else like me and that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. We do not live together. I went to see him on Wednesday in an attempt to sort it all out. We messaged each other briefly yesterday (just banter) and I haven't heard anything from him today. Maybe he can feel that our relationship is doomed now. I don't know. I am going crazy with the heartache and betrayal!

OP posts:
JK1773 · 28/07/2017 17:55

5 months!!! You barely know him OP. And declarations of love in that time are a massive massive red flag. In this time you should be getting to know each other still and enjoying your time together. He's cheated. You won't ever trust him and why would you want to? I also think it was too early to be meeting DC. I'd say LTB and consider yourself as having a lucky escape.

yetmorecrap · 28/07/2017 17:58

so how is he accounting for these WhatsApp messages then?

AnyFucker · 28/07/2017 18:00

You cope by getting away from the cheating fuck

You are being too passive. Him stonewalling you is not acceptable. You have proof....what more do you need ?

He has been shagging his ex for most of the time you have been "together". Where is your self resect ?

Shemozzle · 28/07/2017 18:00

You can't know someone in 5 months. That's hardly any time. I don't know why you'd even consider or attempt to continue after such a short space of time. And apparently he's been with his ex for 3 of those 5?

AnyFucker · 28/07/2017 18:00

*respect

Trickycat · 28/07/2017 18:04

5 months? Dump his arse and move on. He has been lovebombing you. Please read today's post on Chumplady's website - she lists moving too fast as a cheaters tactic. (Yes I know there are exceptions...read it for more info)

Full disclosure and full remorse - if he doesn't offer that walk away. (Personally I would walk even if he did seem sorry). Sorry OP, but believe us when we tell you that you will be doing yourself a huge favour if you leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2017 18:04

You've only been together FIVE MONTHS?! Come on, OP, it's time to admit that you don't and couldn't possibly know this guy at all. Cut your losses and move on. He's very clearly shown you who he is. Believe him!

Trickycat · 28/07/2017 18:08

Plus what is with the 'banter' and silence from him? He is hardly falling over himself to prove his innocence. He knows he has nothing truthful to say.

crazycatgal · 28/07/2017 18:11

If he won't even admit it to you then there's no relationship to save.

Original poster
Zoila15 · 28/07/2017 18:16

He is not accounting for his WhatsApp messages at all! Like I've said before, he refused to talk about it and said that his ex had made it all up. He said that she is jealous and is trying to destroy his personal life. She had sent me a couple of messages before and him and I talked about it. He persuaded me that she was just jealous and that it was all over between them ages ago and that he would never get back to her. He asked me to block her on messaged which I didn't do. That's how I got more messages from her including screen shots of their messages and photos as well. When I saw him on Tuesday , he made it sound that I brought it on myself. If I hadn't unblocked her, none of this would have happened. OMG!! So, he put it all on me!! I know I should end it but the pain at the moment is unbearable! I have never been in this situation before!

OP posts:
Trickycat · 28/07/2017 18:24

Deny, deny, deny and blameshifting - cheaters script.

If you have seen irrefutable proof then what he said means nothing.

You are in shock, nothing makes sense. But time will bring back clarity and stability. Flowers

AnyFucker · 28/07/2017 18:25

You will get more pain if you stay with him

user1493630944 · 28/07/2017 18:27

LTB is the only way to cope. He is a liar and a cheat and wont even talk to you about it. There is no hope, sorry, but you are better off alone.

kittybiscuits · 28/07/2017 18:28

5 months? Block him on everything. You dodged a bullet.

Kr1stina · 28/07/2017 18:34

Listen to any fucker. Or in fact everyone else.

Needsomeflapjacks · 28/07/2017 18:37

Your dc-would you be proud of a ds if he treated a woman like this? . A dd? Would you stand by and let her put up with this sort of relationship?
Will they be happy if your time is spent trying to right a wrong relationship with a cheater while your self esteem gets a bigger bashing while he continues to shag about - which he will. .
He is a stranger - tell her she is welcome to him back. Your standards are higher. .

gottachangethename1 · 28/07/2017 18:48

You need to go no contact op. I know that's a lot easier said than done. Take it hour by hour to begin with, get some rl support. You deserve much better than anything he could possibly offer.