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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am angry and fuming and sick of all this!!

35 replies

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 13:46

Right here goes -

Having dinner last night and Sister phones up - DP picks up the phone and has an amiable conversation with her. Puts the phone down and says I better call her back when I've finished cause she said she had been ill (oooohhhh I've been pregnant thanks for giving a shit about me and for sending your neice a birthday card and present!!).

Anyway I rund her back and she spoke without drawing breath for 15 minutes about how she had something wrong with her ears, had been to casualty and there was some fluid build up that had affected her balance and made her be sick - comments like 'you know how I am when I'm sick, can;t do anything have to be looked after and cry like a baby' were repeated often! (Get a fucking grip you are an adult!!) - anyway the first thing I said about me or my family was - ooohhhh I was sick at work yesterday afternnon - I am sure I said it but she did not even acknowledge that I had so I said it again and silence - she then said and I just don't know what to do about my job now - (er are you ignoring everything I say??) - so I just said well whats wrong with your job - 'well you know I don;t like it and want to get another one (I have tried to help her but she thinks it will come knocking a great well paid job in London when she has not held a job for more than ayear and has no experience of working anywhere but locally for the last 15 yeasr!!) and they have now taken me off of my temp contract and employed me full time and they did not even say anything to me about it - I said that there must have been a date agreed when she was no longer a temp and was to be taken on and she said no - she hasn't spoken to her boss about it yet cause she has been ill and get this - she then said 'Well I immediately got on the phone to ACAS about what my rights were' - I asked her why she had done this as she should have just waited and sat down and been honest with her boss and tried to come to some sort of arrangement about notice and gibving her time to look for another job and getting confrontational and spurting things abuot ACAS and rights would probably mean her benig treated far harsher and without then agreeing notivce and helping each other out till she got another job.

She then shouted - Oh you don;t understand do you always trying to give me advie - I suppose you are going to start on about how long I should stay in a job next - I sai well more than 6 months is advisable if you want to come and work in the city - What the fuck for no one will take me on - er no they will take you on but you are going to have to start as a junior doing filing and stuff like that because you can;t walk straight into an investment bank and expect to get a super duper job - its that way it works!!

Anyway I then suffered another 20 minutres of her talking about herself and her problems before I asked her if she heard when I said I had been sick and did she not think that it would have been polite to ask me how I was or at least say oh poor you rather than just ignore me. Her answer was what do I expect pregnant women are always being sick - I said no I am not a sicky pregnant woman and at 23 weeks they are not always sick as a rule and whilst we were about it did she forget to send DD a card or was she trying to make some sort of point by mot sending one because I don;t care if she is cross or envious about me being pregnant but I would rather she didn;t treat DD like a piece of shit because of it!!! - Anyway - why was I moaning I have a perfcet life, nothing in my life has ever been as bad as hers, I have DD, DP and baby on the way, a big house (3 bed semi not exactley Southfork) a good well paid job (er yes after working my arse of for years to get experience and credibility) and plenty of money - er no I am actually in debt after all the custody stuff and am still paying for the divorce and getting shit all from x2b to look after DD as well as pay a childminder and the usual things that you have to buy with no help at all from her father - anyway I said to her that there was no way I could carry on helping her and being there if I got absolutely nothing in return and didn't she think t would be nice to ask how I was and if anything has been sorted with x2b and if Ihad any problems - No she said I have DP to do that and what did I do that was so great that meant so much Well held your fucking hand all the way through the worst experience of your life whilst having to deal with fighting for my daughter in court a nasty violent x2b and then having a breakdown ending up taking sleeping pills and having expensive counselling to stop me stepping in front of the nearest bus oh as well as taking over a week off work to keep you company and make sure you were ok!! and I don't expect thanks or a present or anything like that but I do expect you to at least ask if I am ok.

Well she then said that if I was not going to be reasonable and contribute to the relationship without getting angry she couldn't have any kind of relationship with me at all - I said fair ebnough and she is making ahuge mistake because she is missing out on DP, DD and her new nephew but thats her choice.

I know I should be kinder probably but I am sick of having to forget about me and how I feel and think and being there for her and letting her get away with being pathetic and selfish - nothing is ever her fault and she is always being shit on apparently when things happen in her life mainly because of bad decisions she has made and the way she treats people and how confrontational she is!!!

Anyway rant over - I am now an orphan without any siblings - to top it off DP got cross with me for getting cross and I feel a dope because I am enbarrassed that I have this shit to deal with when he comes from the fucking bradey bunch!!

OP posts:
lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 14:05

twinkie i know exactly how you feel at the moment and i am sorry you are having to deal with all this. {{{HUGS{}}}}

kalex · 14/07/2004 14:33

Twinkie,

If I had the energy I would tell you the story of me and my sister, but unfortunatley it is horribly depressing and I will end up crying, we have not spoken sine the 27 Decebmer last year, it still really really bother me

Not only do I no longer have a sister but I have lost my beloved nephew and my kids have lost their aunt and cousin.

Why is it that family think that they can treat you like shit any time they want?

Sorry about all this 4 you, HUGS

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 14:35

TBH Kalex I don;t think I will miss her everything was such hard work - I am just sooo angry that she can turn her back on DD and on the baby that is growing inside me just because I have told her that she needs to give in a relationship rather than take!!

DD adores her as she smothers her and I think of all of us she is going to miss her the most

OP posts:
kalex · 14/07/2004 14:45

Yeh, I know what you mean Twinkie, I don't miss the hassle, but I do miss the closeness that we had along time ago. I was her birthing partner when DN was born, that's how close we were.

It also creates alot of peripherry problems, my mum is really upset by it all, and gets upset by it.

I (and I know this is really stupid) don't know what to do about xmas - it's normally spent as a great big family group, but under the circumstance I am thinking of booking a cabin up north and taking the kids away, but I know that will really upset my mum and stepdad.

THey (my folks) always have a great big summer party, and I don't know whether I want to go.

And then I get angry with myself, why am I letting this vindicative person upset my life.

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 14:47

Well won't have anything like that as I don't have any contact with my parents but if I have to go somewhere she is I will politely say hello but that it she has burnt her bridges this time!!

OP posts:
kalex · 14/07/2004 14:51

Sorry Twinkie, that was really insensitive of me!

I totally forgot you had the parent problem too

Shit now I feel like a silly cow

gothicmama · 14/07/2004 14:52

Twinkie hope you are feeling better from what you have said I don't think yuo could havedone anything differently - if you need a sister I am suer we can all be surrogate ones for you - dd will get used to it my dd has got used to not seeing her gd(his choice) better and quicker tahn I thought

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 14:52

No no please don't worry it is all one in the same problem really - please don't slink off or I will go mad thinking about this all alone!!

OP posts:
bran · 14/07/2004 14:55

Twinkie, your sister sounds just like my Dad's youngest sister. She's a real drama queen, and she knows just how to trigger all her siblings. She's at her happiest if she's caused a huge argument between her brothers and sisters, or failing that she'll have a huge argument with one or more of them herself. She hugely over-complicates her own life and then wants her family to sort it out for her. She is always more ill/unfortunate/hard done by than anyone else, and she only wants to hear about other's problems to use as amunition against other members of the family.

I expect she will be back - unless you have more siblings she'll never get the same level of drama from others as she gets from you.

binkie · 14/07/2004 14:59

poor you Twinkie - is this the same sister that you were so concerned about with her tragic pregnancy last year?

eefs · 14/07/2004 15:05

Oh hon, I have sisters and a lot of your arguement rang true for me (not that extreme, but unreasonable yes).
first of all - your DP doesn't have the same realtionship with your sister that you do, it sound like she's lovely to your DP so he just can't understand. Remember all he can hear is your side arguing on the phone, not her silly replies. He shouldn't be cross with you and don't let him make you feel you shouldn't be cross with your sister.
second - what I know for sure is that you can never argue with anyone as completely as you can with sisters - it's the nature of the relationship. Your sister is being completely selfish and would probably never be such a wagon with other people. All my arguements with my sisters (plural, see you've escaped that one) can get nasty, but we do make up like it never happened.

I don't think you should have been kinder to her, don't berate yourself over that. If you hadn't made your (very valid) point, you would have left the phonecall very annoyed with her and would probably have posted here in anycase with fustration. At least this way you've let your sister know that she can't treat you like this.
Don't let the fact that she's your only relative you're in contact with hide the fact that she is being completely unreasonable. She probably senses that you so want to keep something of your old family in your life and is perhaps exploiting it.

You were right to have taken her up on the one-sidedness of your relationship. You have your life on an even keel now, but it took a lot of hard work to get there. Would she be jealous? Did she support you through your divorce and custody battle? Remember you were the one that she turned to when she really needed help, so she does love you.
On reading your rant again, I think she could be jealous that you no longer need her as much as you used to, you now have DP and a new baby on the way and your DD is right where she should be again. I have some sympathy for that but dont let her belittle what you have achieved though, she is going to lose you completely if she doen't show more of an interest in your life. It shouldn't be a battle of who's got more problems.
Perhaps don't contact her for a while to let both of you cool off. When you do talk again, tell her that you are glad she was there for you when you needed her, and maybe ask her to help you prepare for your new baby (unless this would be too upsetting for her).
That of course is the nice logical reaction - personally I would sulk until I wasn't bothered anymore and pick things up as if the argument never happened.
hope you feel better soon, eefs

eefs · 14/07/2004 15:07

look at the length of that post! and all those spelling mistakes, well, at least I might have bored you into calmness

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 15:15

Thanks eefs - although some of what you said means I think you got thwe wrong end of the stick - she has never been there for me to be honest - my problems are always nothing compared to hers - she didn't help me through the custody thing to her it was a big drama that she wanted to be involved in and talk about in terms of how everyone would look and what they would say rather than actually supporting me - she actually said at one point 'Please let me come to court, I've never been to one before and would love the experience'!! FFS

ALso with DP he agrees with me and I suppose he knows how lonely and cut off I feel with very few people to support me in RL and hates the way that I sometimes let her get away with being a cow just so I still have someone I can say is family - he thinks about the same as her as I do to be heonest I just hate looking like a complete saddo with such a disfunctional family when his are so lovely to him.

As for the sulking - I am ggod at that and unless she bucks her ideas up comes back with an apology and drastically changes I think I will let her have no more part in my life!!

Gothicmama - thanks for the surrogate sister remark I am sitting at my desk crying now - bet everyone is thnking go home you sad pregnant woman!!

Yes Binkie it is the same sister that I supported through everything she was going through whilst I fought for my daughter - even with that she wasn't there for me little pathetic things in her life were always more of a worry and of course the daughter she walked out on 10 years earlier was always held to be far more important that my DD!!

Sorry I feel like screaming at the moment - doing tha rolling ina ball and not speaking thing!! - God what a drama queen I am being will one of you slap me!!

OP posts:
agy · 14/07/2004 15:18

Kalex - sorry to hijack thread Twinkie - why don't you go to the summer party, and try to make it up. So sad to miss out on little nephew.

kalex · 14/07/2004 15:25

Twinkie

your not being a drama queen, half my problem ith my sis a the moment is I try not to let it bother me until the point that I am very own about it whcih is so not healthy (afte spending 8 months last year being clinically depressed)

I got a birthday card from her today 5 days late!
And only after ( I suspect) my mother told her too. and all it said inside was From *** , also it was an old granny card.

What really F*cks me off about my sister is that she was a single parent for 5 years and I could not have done more 4 her. Babysat for whole weekends, gave her loads of money and things 4 DN. As soon as I was in the same position she dropped me like a hot potato, (not helped by the fact that her new husband (of 10 months) is my XH cousin.

She keeps telling people that I am equally to blame 4 the marriage breakdown, but I was not the one who could not keep their D**k in their pants, and have also recently found out he was screwing around the first time I was pregnant too

She seems to have got herself a nice new family and then could not wait to stop speaking to me.
And in order to feel better about it went off in a strop about somehing so ridiculously stupid, it is too embarrasing to write down. She now says she will not speak to me until I aplogoise, COLD DAY IN HELL

Sorry now this has turned into a rant,

eefs · 14/07/2004 15:26

ok, all sympathy gone for her - it might be better if you could just not contact her anymore unless she approaches you with an apology. It does sound like she's in it for what she can get back out, not to help you in any way.
Remember what happened with your family was so completely out of your control, you've turned out lovely despite all the shit that was thrown at you. you have you beautiful family now and the added bonus of your DP having a good extended family. There are lots of people here who have found their partners families much nicer than their own, and people who's partners have adopted their families in favour of their parters families (ok, a bit convoluted there, but you know what I mean).
I think she needs you more than you need here, who else is going to put up with all this cr@p? If she comes to apologise then maybe reconsider, otherwise drop her and don't feel bad about it.
can you go home early? say you're still feeling sick? (then roll into a ball and don't speak to anyone for a while, hot baths work nicely too)

eefs · 14/07/2004 15:28

must learn to spell....

kalex · 14/07/2004 15:29

Agy, if I thought I could without her making a huge scene and ruining it 4 everyone I would, I actaully strongly suspenct that they will not come, I am just going to play it by ear,

I have managed to see DN once in the last 6 months, he was staying at mums and so I went up to see him. The whole situation is just so shitty I would really like to crawl back into bed and cry, but it's school hols

frogs · 14/07/2004 15:35

ed and some not. Your sister may wise up as she gets older, or she may not -- it sounds as if you've done everything you can.

I know what you mean about feeling that other people's families are so great the worst falling-out in dh's family involved a little localised disagreement regarding the ownership of a Tintin book! That makes me feel pretty pathetic lling-out in dh's family involved a little localised disagreement regarding the ownership of a Tintin book! That makes me feel pretty patheticSed and some not. Your sister may wise up as she gets older, or she may not it sounds as if you've done everything you can.

eefs · 14/07/2004 15:36

Kalex, could you go and just ignore her - just don't respond emotionally if she goads you. reply blandly to everything she says and if she persists it will be obvious to everyone present that she's the one with the problem.
You'd get to see you family and you dear nephew that way too.

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 15:37

Oh Kalex - sorry to have brought all this up for you again - steer cleer of your sis she just sounds smug and horrid and needs the good slap round the chops it seems my sister needs to wake them up to ho relatiomships are supposed to work.

Thanks Effs I am going home now to have a lie down - actually feel as though undercarraige is falling out at the moment so I think I need a rest.

WIll log on from home though. XXX

OP posts:
kalex · 14/07/2004 15:39

Twinkie maybe we should be sisters and let our two have each othre

We could sit back and watch the cat fights

frogs · 14/07/2004 15:42

Help, my post went all strange. Don't know what that was about.

The first bit that got lost just sent you hugs, and hope you'll feel better soon.

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 15:43

Good Idea Kalex I can at least say I have one member of my family that I am proud of!!

Frogs thought you had gone mad - thanks for the hugs feel better now. XXX

OP posts:
binkie · 14/07/2004 15:48

Twinkie, that's what I thought - seeing the heart you put into supporting her then, it must truly hurt for you to have this kind of treatment back. There may be an issue of her being torn up by your pregnancy - but I can see there's far more going on here than that.

Does she have a history of coming back with apologies and expecting you to forgive on the spot? If so, can you let your dp (who just sounds lovelier the more I hear) stand between you and let her know that this time you will contact her when you feel ready?