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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says that i hold things against him and i push him away

26 replies

Needtoknow38 · 28/07/2017 13:56

Hello all. I am in a relationship with DP for nearly two years. We plan to get married next year but i am not sure anymore if this is a good idea.
For the last year or so we argue a lot. If i dont fully agree with him, if i offer a different explanation for an event than the one he has in mind (i dont think that your boss is against you or are you sure that your neighbor was talking bad about you, it could be for someone else etc) anything that doesnt 100% agrees with his opinion is an attack and i become the target of his anger.
The attempts to fix this and be as we were at the beginning of the relationship always failed, soon or later he will explode again. Lately i became snappy and i get upset over things that normally wouldn't bother me. The reason is that i can not longer forget and forgive some of the things he said and they are constantly at the back of my mind.
He says that i cause the problems because i hold things against him . I am apparently pushing him away and i am ruining the relationship. I would appreciate opinions please

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 28/07/2017 14:02

Unless you enjoy a relationship where arguing is a regular commonplace event, do not get married.

Hermonie2016 · 28/07/2017 14:09

Please don't go ahead with a wedding as it will only get worse.

The examples you gave are you being reasonable and if he felt you were not supportive he could tell you calmly.

The red flags are you having to have the same opinion as him or else he feels attacked and blaming you for the issues.Itd emotional abuse and worrying if within the first few years.Security such as marriage or children ramps up abuse.

I had similar and despite years trying different strategies nothing worked.We spent money on a wedding and now loads on a divorce as he obviously he still fighting as I am completely to blame!

Original poster
Needtoknow38 · 28/07/2017 14:30

Perhaps i should mention what he has said that i can not forget. All within the last month.
He blamed me for somehow be responsible for his failure to find a job in his field. The reality is that i always supported him but he doesnt make the effort. He will always be "tired" and have "many things to do" and be busy with his current job. If he doesnt try and apply for jobs in his field how will he get any? But when it comes to give a reason its my fault, he spends time with me and he cant pursue a career. It wasnt just a comment, he sat for hours blaming me for it and everything that goes wrong
He wanted me to delete my DDs game from the computer. The reason only he knows, he mumbled something about that its his game and she cant play it (??) When i refused i had to endure 4 hours of hell and madness. He said that i finally revealed my self and that i should watch my back because he will take revenge for the cruel way i treat him(????). I t seems that refusing to delete the game and refusing to upset my 10 old is a sigh that i love her more than him and he cant accept that . I must love him more. This rang alarm bells . He later apologized, he said that he lost it and he didnt mean anything but i just can not shake this off
He said out of the blue and for no reason that i am obviously have a very easy job and i do nothing special (i work in the medical field) but his job is really hard (security guard at nights in an empty building Confused . I never thought to compare jobs and i never said anything wrong about his or mine but him doing it it somehow upsetted me
In the past i was able to let go of things but i cant anymore.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2017 14:31

I would save yourself the trouble of divorcing him by not marrying him. The relationship as a whole is not great and his attitudes are very deeply ingrained within his own psyche. People like this do not change; its their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/07/2017 14:34

Needtoknow

The further you write about him the more I hope that you can get him out of yours and your DDs life now for good. He will further become a crap stepfather to her as well, he is not decent relationship let alone marriage material.

Men like this can and do take an awful long time to recover from, I think he targeted you really. I would also suggest that you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

thestamp · 28/07/2017 14:35

OP your posts are making me feel sick with anxiety for you.

PLEASE don't marry this person. I beg you for your sake and the sake of your child. DON'T let this carry on.

He is showing you a glimpse of your future. I've been there myself OP, only I married him and had DC by him, and am now divorcing him having been wrung out like an old rag by his paranoia, blaming and competition with DC. Don't do it. Please don't do it, don't end up like me.

ShatnersWig · 28/07/2017 14:39

Perhaps i should mention what he has said that i can not forget.

You didn't need to. I already said do not marry him based on your original comment. Please leave this relationship now

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/07/2017 16:50

Please do not marry this man, and get yourself and DD away from him. Start making your plans today and let us know how it goes.

Adora10 · 28/07/2017 17:08

FGS woman wake up, he's a horrible inadequate prick who is using you to take all his frustrations out on; that's not love, it's fucked up; he's toxic and he's dragging you along with him; he is incapable of being in a relationship; you would have to be mentally deranged to even contemplate marrying this arsehole.

Get rid and free yourself and your daughter of this nasty piece of work, there are nice men out there who will treat you right, he's not one of them.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2017 17:11

Don't marry him

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 28/07/2017 17:13

The hills are this way >>>>>>>>

Don't do it, and fgs don't hey pregnant with him.

He's horrible and it sounds like he's projecting, is horribly insecure and is gaslighting

Original poster
Needtoknow38 · 28/07/2017 22:07

Thank you for the replies. He insists that he has done nothing wrong and its all me, holding all these things against him and i cause problems. He says that he loves me so much and i am so cruel to him. He became the victim and i am the bad guy . It affects me and at times i wonder if he is right and its all me. Then again i can not keep ignoring his anger and his behavior and everything he says .

OP posts:
DancingLedge · 28/07/2017 23:20

It's not you it's him.
A loving, respectful DP does not blame their partner for things that happen in their life.

jeaux90 · 28/07/2017 23:26

He is passive aggressive at best and being abusive at worst. Either way it looks shit.

Ffs don't marry him. Get yourself a life without him.

NoMoreDecorating · 28/07/2017 23:52

Have you posted about him before OP? You don't live together atm?

chestylarue52 · 28/07/2017 23:58

It doesn't matter what we think.

What mattes is how he behaves and feels, and how you behave and feel.

What you've described doesn't sound healthy in those respects at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 29/07/2017 00:48

Get rid. Tell him to fuck off and not come back. For your DD's sake as much as your own.

SandyY2K · 29/07/2017 07:14

With all his blame he'll be happy not marrying you then won't he.

He'll be able to pursue his dream job and not have you hold things against him.

Any man who starts getting jealous and nasty (directly or indirectly) towards your child has to go.

Don't marry him and thank God you don't have kids with him

TheNaze73 · 29/07/2017 07:18

Honestly, he sounds like a prize prick. Dont marry him

Fairylea · 29/07/2017 07:29

Run.

mynxy · 29/07/2017 08:23

Please read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?', it will tell you exactly how he thinks about you - which isn't good and will only get worse. He believes he owns you and is entitled to treat you as he likes.

Tell your friends and family what he's like - you might need their support if (when!) you leave him.

Good luck and look after yourself.

Sharpstagram · 29/07/2017 15:02

OP are we with the same broke?! I can totally relate in the respect that if he disagrees with something (could be nothing to do with me, could be a comment the neighbour made, bad day at work..)and I don't hold exactly the same view or tell him to ignore it he'll explode and rage for hours and hours. Accuse me of doing something behind his back with said neighbour because I didn't see anything in the commentHmm. Not let me leave the room, or go to bed, keep me up til 2am ranting at me. He says such nasty things about me and my family. Tells me he'll punch me in the face. This has all got worse over time.

He's promised over and over again that he'll stop and get help and try and change for me and our DS. I told him I'd leave if it happened again, yet it did. I feel myself detaching from him emotionally now, I don't want to go anywhere near him other than a kiss or a cuddle. He then had the audacity to throw a fit over the lack of intimacy at the moment. I know deep down I have to leave.

HE WONT CHANGE! It'll only get worse. The only thing to do is leave. And remember it is NOT your fault, you are NOT the one in the wrong here. Get support, I know how these men can fuck your mindset. Good luck Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2017 15:54

Sharpstagram

You also need to leave with your son.

Womens Aid can and will help you here; their phone number is 0808 2000 247.

It is but a small step from punching walls and being verbally violent into physically hurting you; he has already threatened to punch you in the face and its only a matter of time now before he does. I presume you have stayed for many reasons to date; your innate fear of him, a fear of reprisal against your family by him, lack of funds, lack of overall support etc. Abuse like this is insidious in its onset and builds up over time. He was probably charm personified in the early days and is probably plausible to those in the outside world as well.

He has tested you to date to see how much you will take from him; your threat to leave came to nothing and he knows that. He has and will use that against you now.

They do make promises to change but they are ultimately empty ones; he feels entitled to act like this towards you and feels he has done nothing wrong here. Look at his background OP: what are his own family like. Pound to a penny there is violence within that also.

Your son cannot afford to grow up thinking his dad's treatment of you is normal and or acceptable. He in turn is being emotionally harmed here by his dad as he sees you as his mum being abused. Its no legacy to leave him, your most precious of resources.

Men like this take time, years even to recover from. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is a must do and will help you a lot as well re boundaries and red flags.

Haffiana · 29/07/2017 16:24

Op, here is a similar thread. It may help;
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2959992-DP-cant-hold-a-job-and-he-thinks-i-dont-support-him

MsStricty · 29/07/2017 16:56

He's projecting, OP. Plain and simple. It isn't you; it's him.