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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I crossed a line? I think I know the answer

29 replies

2Dimples · 27/07/2017 19:48

I can't stop going over this in my head. I'm married with 2 dc's - fairly rocky history with DH trust-wise due to things he has done and I've subsequently discovered. However, thought we were on secure ground again. Last week, I texted my senior colleague (also married but wife currently living abroad) about something which turned into a few hours worth of instant messaging. Lots of banter and teasing. It was flirty but not sexual, no kisses etc. I think we ended up sending over 50 messages between us before I finally broke off to go to sleep but we had a few goodnight messages going back
and forth before that. We didn't talk about it the next day but he's publicly alluded to some of what we messaged about as if it's our own in joke. He's very flirty with me in the office and I am the subject of a lot of his innuendo but we're also friends
and have a lot in common and similar sense of humour so maybe he thinks he's safe with me? Am I being naive? And have I crossed a line with that messaging? Sorry if this sounds so jumbled. My head is a mess and I'm acutely aware we're both a bit vulnerable in our respective relationships.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/07/2017 19:49

Yep

Missb00 · 27/07/2017 20:01

If you wouldn't tell your DH about it then yes it's wrong. You sound like you're justifying your actions by telling us about his infidelities first.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2017 20:04

If you don't put a stop to this bullshit it will only end badly, I guarantee it. You will damage your marriage, damage or ruin your employment, or both.

Grooves · 27/07/2017 20:06

Would you like your partner to say the things you have?

Pyaar · 27/07/2017 20:11

I have got myself into a horrible mess with a similar situation recently. Seemed so innocent at first but quickly became so much more and i regret it so much. Please dont be in denial about it, it will only get worse.

Good luck sorting this

Original poster

2Dimples · 27/07/2017 22:00

Ok thanks, what I was expecting I guess. I can't deny I've been trying to justify what's going on by mentioning DH's past. I carried a lot of hurt around with me for so many years and now I feel desensitised when I think about it. I'm scared it means I don't care anymore and that will mean the destruction of my family, whatever happens. I do have feelings for colleague, they've been building up over the past year but I was managing them and dismissing as a crush. I guess this is the first sign I've had that maybe he feels something similar. I haven't deleted the messages so there's every chance DH will find them but deleting feels like sure fire admission of guilt. I'm in a very dangerous situation and I know it.

OP posts:

Missb00 · 27/07/2017 22:02

If you can't bring yourself to delete the messages then you obviously don't want whatever is happening between you and your colleague to be over. Although you can't have it both ways so you must choose. Please don't string your DH along, let him go to find someone who wants to be with him.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2017 22:10

For god's sake delete those messages! It's as though you're committing hari kari.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2017 22:36

Delete the messages, ffs!

Mom2K · 28/07/2017 02:03

If you're unhappy in your marriage and can't (nor should you have to- I wouldn't!) get over his infidelities, then leave!

But don't start your own infidelity, especially with a married man. That is two families you would be destroying.

Yes, you definitely crossed a line. Delete and end it immediately.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/07/2017 02:47

Look at it this way.....

He is obviously getting off on this, and that shows what kind of man he is. Someone who would cheat on his wife, create a difficult situation at work and make you feel awkward. Not that attractive really is he? When you think of him, think about how you felt when your husband decieved you, he is just the same.

You didnt do anything sexual or intimate but you are playing a dangerous game. You are connecting emotionally with someone who a) isnt your spouse and b) has a spouse of their own. How that possibly end well?

Stop being his friend. Be his colleague and nothing else. Then look at whether you really feel that you can move forward and mend your marriage or whether you are staying put because its easier than to leave (which I am doing...not criticism there).

TheNaze73 · 28/07/2017 07:34

Yes you have crossed a line.

Istoletherainbow · 28/07/2017 08:36

Yes, I would say you've crossed a line, but I'm interested as to what you mean by flirty, but not sexual. What sort of things were said?..

Original poster

2Dimples · 28/07/2017 12:16

Ok, taking on board on all comments. Thank you. Messages were just banter really, I don't want to out myself with the content but calling each other names and being faux offended. Lots of teasing. Him asking for a bedtime story. That kind of thing. It's the fact that we were texting each other back and forth instantly and the amount of texts that made me think it had escalated from usual friendly work mate banter.

OP posts:

2ducks2ducklings · 28/07/2017 12:44

Honestly, cut all contact other than while you're at work and about work related topics. I know you think it's innocent and not sexual etc, but it'll get there eventually. If this man is your boss, he's potentially abusing his position of trust.
Just ignore his messages. If he asks why, just blame your phone not alerting you to new messages or something. It'll fizzle out eventually.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2017 13:48

I am coming more and more to the conclusion thst there is no such thing as "banter"

It's a made up word to excuse flirting

Proudmummytodc2 · 28/07/2017 14:12

I would cut all contact now this is not going to end well, do not string your DH along either decide if your happy to get over what he has done int he spat or leave but 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Any Fucker I totally agree with your about this banter word.

I have noticed people be very rude and then say "oh it's just banter" when I've pulled them up on it no it's not your being rude to me and trying to pass it off as "banter" there is no such thing. Your just being rude and trying to pretend your not.

daisychain01 · 28/07/2017 14:22

I can understand how it all came to this. Your home life and relationship with your DH is flat as a glass of day-old Coke, there's no magic anymore, no trust.

Sounds like harmless fun that became very intense very quickly, maybe some escapism, with a bit of attention?

You sound like a decent person, who is self-aware. But now it's time to face the music, either working with your DH to get things back on track, or decide you don't have a future together and move on from there.

Definitely delete the messages, their only function was a red flag on your emotions. Things are in turmoil. You need to take action.

SpartacusSaiman · 28/07/2017 14:49

How do you think your dhs infidelity started?

Or a lot of infidelity start?

Harmless texts, banter etc often lead this way. You havent been able to mive past what dh did to you. Why would you partake in doing this to another woman?

This man is no better than your dh for doing what he is. How come you feel you still judge dh for it, but think its ok ti hrad down this road with someone elses husband?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2017 15:00

Oh no don't say 'just banter'
That's how my ExP messages always started.
He cheated - a few times!
If you would be happy for your DH to send the same messages to a female colleague then OK.
If not, then it's not OK for you to either.

daisychain01 · 28/07/2017 15:16

Ffs stop flaming the OP, she's asking for support to work through this situation, not a load of judgy self-righteous comments.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2017 15:26

She is getting quite an easy time, actually

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2017 16:19

I haven't flamed her.
Just noted if it would be OK the other way around then OK!
These threads are usually far worse.

Original poster

2Dimples · 28/07/2017 17:27

Messages deleted. There haven't been any in over a week. He's still flirting in the office but I've avoided any time alone with him for the past few days. I've also confided in a colleague which has burst the bubble of secrecy. We're a very small, close knit team. She said it was obvious there was something between us and is being very non judgmental as she cares about us both but it's definitely making me modify how I respond to him now. He's fighting my corner on a few work issues which I don't want to undermine either. I will try and bury my feelings and turn my attention to my marriage. DH has never actually physically cheated as far as I am aware but I've caught him out with sex chat lines, classified ads (gay and straight) and also uncovered an emotional affair when I was 6 months pregnant. It sounds so horrendous but I thought I could just muddle through and he'd grow out of it and we'd be ok in the long run. Problem is I don't know if he's still doing these things as I just don't want to know anymore. I no longer have the urge to check his phone etc. Thanks for all your input, it's just a big mess.

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/07/2017 17:45

Is your colleague single ?
Not about to flame you, but you appear to have been through the mill, with your husband previously.

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