Anyone around with a PA husband? Could do with some hand hold ***Warning - very long***

[MyRedPepper]

I think I really need venting.

I have been thinking about my marriage and have realised not long ago that H has just being an arsehole most of our relationship thanks to a textbook passive aggressive behaviour.

He is Never ever talking about what he thinks/feels so it's impossible to know where you stand AND there is no intimacy at all. It's impossible to discuss ANYTHING (from parenting to organising holidays etc...). Most answers are 'I don't know' or single word answer when he does answer. He usually tuning out completely so much so that I can stop in the middle of a senetence and he won't say anything for 30s. Or he walks about of the room.

Everything he does is always presented as a fait accompli, no discussion. From the 'I'm starting xx job in a month and I will be travelling 4 days a week' (just when Dc1 was due - yes he did try to say he needed to travel a week before my due date ) to the 'I'm going out tonight' said in the am as we are all getting ready to go to work/school.

Anything that I want to do is poo pooed. I retrained and did a degree and finished DESPITE him whereas all the people on the course were gushing at how they would never have managed WITHOUT their partner's support. Same with starting anew business etc...

No support for anything ever. And always showing no trust all in my pov. I was struggling with Dc1, that was obvioulsy because I was weak, too emotional/should just get on with things (I had PND). I was exhausted, that's just because I was lazy (I was diagnosed with ME). Even saying that we needed to change school for the dcs was meet with resistance. It took me a YEAR to get him to agree all that for him to breezily announced a few months later that 'yay the old school was crap wasn't it. We (???) should have moved them earlier'

Add to that stonewalling, telling me my conversation is boring anyway etc.... constant put downs (no words ever, just small expressions in the face showing constant disapproval and then sulking/getting sullen for hours and creating an atmosphere that will make everyone uncomfortable)

I feel Ive spent at least 10 years trying to find a way around his behaviour. Ive actually hit on most of the advice given to deal with PA people. Do not react and ignore. Stay very matter of fact. Always.
But who wants to live with someone with who you can never share your excitement with because you know they will use that against you and will make it hard for you to do those things?? (That's one of the advice I read btw!)

I suppose I just need to say all those things aloud.
Anyone who is/has been going through something similar?

Is it that thread Incompetent husbands??

Yes, that's the threads. If you read the 1st one (link after the OP) - it's where the OP realises that her husband isn't just "incompetent" - it's a clear choice on his part - and it follows her realisation & actions.

Get rid of the twat. It will never get any better.

I have lived this. All your words have come out of my mouth; again and again and again. I agree with pp. It won't change, ever.

Please google narcissism, hoovering. Your husband is doing exactly that.

I'm slowing reading the Incompetent Husband thread. And yes it's true that there is a lot of similarities!

Hope you dint mind me keeping posting. I need to write all that down so that I don't forget start accepting it all again. I need to remember the anger and how he has let me down before he can bring me down again so much I can only go into survival mode iyswim.

Soo, Ive been laughing inwardly this evening.
We are going away on hols tomorrow and everything needed to be packed. I enrolled the dcs for their stuff, prepared mine. Did a few errants to pick up some stuff we needed.
H was supposed to come back early to 'help' but didn't turn up until 4.00pm, normal time for him on a Friday (surprised? Nope)
Then he started to clean the car leaving me still packing.
Then he had to do something in the computer for work. Still no help.
I also started to prepare the evening meal. And he still hadn't appeared.
Now all that bearing in mind that with the ME I can normally do only about 50% of what I/someone else could .....so it was like asking me to do twice s much as anyone else would have done iyswim.
So still avoiding doing things/taking responsibility much as possible

Then I needed to pick up something in the garage. H had put other things in the top that I cannot reach. It fell. He came looking all concerned. Concern that quickly changed into anger as I pointed out that it's too high, I can't reach and really we should be keeping that somewhere else. (Ive worked a lot on my I sentences!)
Immediate results: scowling and disappearing back upstairs!

This is Soooo predictable that it's becoming funny. It's like I can now actually tell what he is going to do before he even does it!

Have you googled 'narcissism' and hoovering' yet? Then you will really know him better than he knows himself.

Yes I have read about that. I actually don't think he is a narcissist. I feel the PA behaviour is closer to the mark. Never saying anything at all, but implying all the puts down and making them felt just as much as if he had been screaming a stream of abuse at me.
Add to that been incompetent (what shall I do??), saying one thing but meaning another, assuming you 'know' (what they feel, how they think, whatbthey are going to do etc...). Never saying what they really think. Etc....

The concept of hoovering is an interesting one. I had never come across the word but the concept certainly yes.
And yes I believe that's what he is doing now (and what he has done before though I hadn't seen it for what it was).
The interesting idea for me is that seeing him doing something 'nice' doesn't make me happy. It annoys me! In part because why on earth didn't he do that before?? And also because it actually feels smothering. In the past, it has also made me very sad rather than happy.

Emotional abuse is another thing. Some stuff makes me think he is emotionally abusive. But the fact he never talks or expresan opinion makes it hard for me to 'know'
Eg is he making sarcastic remarks? Well it feels he is doing that in his head but I don't have the 'proof' iyswim.
It's so so cover.

Pepper These men have obviously taken the same class on how to mess with women's minds. I totally relate to never knowing what they are thinking; why they are behaving in the way they are; is it my fault or something else and all the underhanded put downs. Also the suddenly being nice when your ready to go. I stayed with my ex for about 6 months after deciding to separate just because of logistics and just like yours he started doing all the right things and like you it pissed me off because it was so obviously manipulative.

One of the big problems I had with him is that he never really engaged enough with the kids. As far as he was concerned they were my responsibility and he could never be relied upon to take care of their needs. He would go to sleep as soon as he got home and wake up when I put them to bed. On top of this he resented that I prioritised them so much and didn't have enough time for him. at first I mistook his behaviour for incompetence or lack of experience. But as soon as I said I was leaving you can guess what happened. Super dad came flying in. He was so loving and attentive with them. Buying them presents, taking them out in the weekend, doing homework with them and playing with them. It made me so angry because it was timed when I was going to leave so made them more attached to him making it harder overall.

Anyway a tactic I employed a lot was lowering my expectations. Basically in any given scenario I would imagine what the best possible action could be that he would take (pure fantasy) then I would immediately rule that out as the action he would definitely not do. Then I would imagine the worst thing he could do in that situation so I was prepared but if he did better then that I would be pleasantly surprised. Most of the time I could predict accurately what he would do. Always the opposite of what I wanted.

Wow, there's no love for you in his behaviour, I'm so sorry OP.

You've decided to leave, so I would stop dancing to his tune and treat him in the same manor he treats you. Need a solicitors appointment, just make it for when you know he will be around and then walk out and go to the appointment. He doesn't help pack? Then you sure as shit don't pack for him. If he can't be bothered to engage with the family then stop treating him like a member of it. If he starts moaning at you about something, show no reaction at all and just leave the room. You need to look after yourself and the kids now, and that means not allowing him to control you any longer.

Having said all of that, this advice is based on the assumption that you don't think he would ever turn violent when he sees his grip on you fading.

That does sound really draining and lonely OP he sounds totally disengaged.
Out of interest, are there subjects of conversation that he does engage on?