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Incompetent Husbands: What Happened Next...

(788 Posts)
overthehillandroundthemountain Mon 08-Aug-16 22:26:19

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overthehillandroundthemountain Mon 08-Aug-16 22:29:13

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LindyHemming Mon 08-Aug-16 22:37:53

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LisaMed1 Mon 08-Aug-16 22:38:33

You asked on the last thread whether we wanted you to keep posting. I don't think it's about us. I think it's what you need. You first posted about this on 7 January 2016. That's eight months ago. Remember the journey? You've found it hard to get to here. Do you want to keep getting that validation that it isn't you? That it isn't a minor and unimportant matter? I think you are going to need it.

Do you think he believes he can still stall the divorce and keep you married?

Kr1stina Mon 08-Aug-16 22:54:17

Hi over the hill
< waves>

overthehillandroundthemountain Mon 08-Aug-16 23:15:16

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TheSilveryPussycat Mon 08-Aug-16 23:24:45

I'm so pleased you finally got there. What is the next step? When can you do it? Think of the answer, then rest up a bit.

overthehillandroundthemountain Mon 08-Aug-16 23:53:02

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TheSilveryPussycat Tue 09-Aug-16 00:14:06

Have you appointed a solicitor yet?

We both decided we wanted a divorce. But his idea was to live apart for 2 years and then divorce by consent. As he was incompetent, he had no plan for how this was to be done, and as he was a cocklodger, it would have been at my expense anyway. I decided that, no, I wanted to get divorced asap. It took MN for the penny to drop that, no I didn't need his permission, we didn't have to agree how to divorce, that if I wanted to end the marriage, I could do so.

I found a good solicitor through the Resolution site, and made an appointment. That was my first step.

And I kept posting on MN (on the EA Support Thread).

Kr1stina Tue 09-Aug-16 07:35:28

Well if Hes not a caregiver to your children now, he won't start being one just because he moves out .

Normally the parent who is the main carer is the ones who stays in the house with the children . As long as they can afford it .

It makes no sense for you and the children to move out while he stays put.

Pussycat is right - you need to find out what's possible legally, make plans and then tell him what you are doing . In an ideal world. He woudl agree and cooperate . But I don't think that's going to happen .

You need to write down a list of all your assets and liabilities and out numbers next to them . Remember pensions and savings ( the proportion built up during the marriage ) .

Starting point is 50:50 but you will want to get more as you will be the RP and you can't rely on him to pay child maintenance . Lawyer will advise .

Most NRP have the kids EOW and one night during the week . Woudl that work for your family ?

Rachel0Greep Tue 09-Aug-16 10:35:17

Oh over please vent away! You have said it helps you. That is the most important thing. Haven't read your most recent updates, just sending you best wishes for continued strength.
brew Try to get some rest or downtime of some sort, if you can. You must be exhausted, and yes, by the sound of things you will be the one who has to keep pushing things forward. Mind yourself.

Aussiebean Tue 09-Aug-16 18:20:12

Well done Over. Sounds like this is the start of you moving forward.

Sending you lots of flowers

overthehillandroundthemountain Wed 10-Aug-16 10:38:56

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SauvignonPlonker Wed 10-Aug-16 11:51:02

flowers overthehill.
I followed your last thread & have "watched" as your marriage has disintegrated.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but would you consider a trip to your GP? Or at the very least doing one of the online anxiety/depression questionnaires?

The reason I ask, is that I have been there too, at the end of my marriage. I was a shadow of myself, not eating or sleeping properly, couldn't think straight. With hindsight, I was ill & should have had some treatment, as the lack of sleep impacted on my physical & mental functioning.

On another note, I wouldn't bother leaving articles around for him to read. You have told him, multiply, in therapy. He KNOWS. Don't focus any energy on him, but instead on further disengaging.

From the sound of him, he won't really participate in the process of divorce & it will be you who will have to drive everything forwards. Just like you have always done, with everything. He fails to step up & you fill the void. I would think about your needs & take steps, if you can find the strength, to start the legal & financial process.

I'm glad to hear you are finding some time to do nice things for yourself every day; it really helps. Be kind to yourself flowers

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 10-Aug-16 18:41:48

Just spotted your other thread, but will answer here.

Your counsellor has signed you off because there is nothing more to do, and certainly nothing more she can do. It's nothing personal, I'm sure.

From your description, the counselling sounded pretty crap to me anyway, although it has got you to the point of having made a decision.

Stop looking backwards, stop worrying about what others think and what you might have done wrong! You say you have AS traits and overthink this - so do I, so I do understand - but Detachment, plus Knowing Your Own Truth, is the way forward.

Will reply re Resolution later.

overthehillandroundthemountain Thu 11-Aug-16 00:50:08

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Rachel0Greep Thu 11-Aug-16 08:48:15

over I hope that when he and the children are away, or even before then that you get a chance to do something that you find relaxing. Just keep reminding yourself to be kind to yourself, and nourish yourself.

I think you are absolutely right about the counsellor, and she did serve a purpose, and gave you a chance to vocalise things that you could not otherwise have brought out into the open.
I also think you are right re just leaving the mug and not leaving the article. Not your problem anymore.

I wish I had something more to offer than a virtual brew and flowers but they are the best I can do smile.

This will possibly sound very simplistic, but it can work. Every so often, if you can, promise yourself a night off from worry. Of course you are worried. This is life changing and of course there is loads of stuff swirling in your head. But, if you can, say to yourself some night 'I need a night off from worry' and do your best to relax. Stuff like lavender baths, nice candles, relaxing music and so on help me. No magic formula, but something that reminds you to be kind to yourself, give yourself a break. Things won't go away, of course, but that one night's sleep, if it comes, will help to refresh you for the next day.

I know you mentioned the GP. Please do keep a close eye on your health, maybe get blood tests, make sure your iron levels are okay. You need to be strong, but you also need to mind yourself. Take care.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 11-Aug-16 10:19:09

How I found a SHL: I looked on the Resolution site for family lawyers near me, the site was recommended on MN. I was hoping to use the Resolution process to agree finances, as if sucessful, it's cheaper than the usual process (DC were young adults, so they didn't come into it). Then I chose a senior woman with a decade or more experience post qualifying (the date is in their profile on there).

Ex declined to appoint his own Resolution solicitor (in fact, he ended up self-representing, twas a pita) I continued to use the same solicitor to divorce him. Ex refused to supply financial details and in the end I had to go to court over settlement. As part of that process, solicitor suggested mediation as courts would expect us to have tried this, but Ex did not even answer the mediator's letter inviting him for initial assessment. We reached a settlement part way through the court process, at a meeting of Ex, me, and my solicitor.

I take it back about the counsellor being crap - it sounds like she was of considerable help to you, although your previous posts suggested that keeping the marriage was her goal? when deciding what to do, was your goal. Which you have acheived.

pocketsaviour Thu 11-Aug-16 11:30:35

I had had partners before and one chap's words echo in my mind: he used to tell me I don't suffer fools...maybe he meant my tolerance for other humans is not good.

When my marriage failed (and I ended it) my H expressed a similar sentiment. Although he phrased it "You're so far up your own arse you can see what you had for breakfast!" grin

In a relationship, I think this phrase of "you don't suffer fools gladly" is often used instead of the more accurate "you have boundaries and I don't like you stating or enforcing them."

I keep wondering if there is something wrong with me. Would I feel belittled by any husband? Maybe I was never the marrying type.

I also felt like this while we were splitting up, and for a while after I left. It took me about 3 years before I felt ready to consider living with someone again. But I did, and it was fine. Because my new partner was willing to compromise, and so was I. That's healthy, and it's required to make a relationship work. I realised that in my marriage, and it sounds the same in yours, that I was the only one making compromises - it was all one way. Whenever I suggested him making a compromise to please me (and - revoltingly - my biggest ask was that he take a fucking shower before coming to bed and expecting to shag me while smelling like a badger in heat) it was as if I'd asked for the moon on a stick. Not only was there a huge list of excuses as to why he couldn't compromise, but the underlying emotion was outrage that I would ask him to change something, just to make me happy, or to make my life easier.

It was such a watershed moment, when I realised how little he cared about my happiness. And how different it was from when we'd first met, when he would have given me the moon and stars if I'd asked for them. sad

OccultGnuAsWell Thu 11-Aug-16 16:29:03

I have just spent the last four days on and off reading the entirety of the last thread and the posts on this one. OP I'm feeling drained just reading it, you've lived it, my hat is off to you.

Good luck for the future.

MrsDilligaf Thu 11-Aug-16 21:45:07

Hi Over

How are you feeling? I've been chatting to a friend today and she has started journalling recently. Like you, she is in the midst of a break up and was feeling overwhelmed by everything so she started to put things in a journal.

She said that every day she writes down 3 things that have made her smile and 3 things that she wants to accomplish the following day. I know that some days what she wants to accomplish is to just put one foot in front of the other and that she has smiled because there is milk in the fridge.

She's doing so well (95% of the time) but recognises that there are days when she would say that frankly, brushing her teeth is an accomplishment.

It might help you if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the process? Just a thought flowers

overthehillandroundthemountain Thu 11-Aug-16 23:32:12

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overthehillandroundthemountain Thu 11-Aug-16 23:59:10

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overthehillandroundthemountain Fri 12-Aug-16 09:41:34

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Mamia15 Fri 12-Aug-16 11:44:28

Catching up on your posts - sounds like progress is being made.

However, you seem to care too much about what your counsellor thinks - not surprising given how little your emotional needs have been met.

Also you really need to work on detaching yourself from him and HIS needs, you need to save all that precious energy and mental space for yourself - no more tending to him so next time he asks you to do something, tell him to do it himself.

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