Wife having an affair - what do I do to rescue my marriage?

[Compass1]

I'm a bloke. I've never been on a site like this, or asked for help like this, never thought I'd need to, but this seems like a good place to be right now. I've been with my wife for about 30 years, we have two children aged 14 and 18, and I thought we had a great life together, despite difficulties which we overcame, and which I thought brought us closer together. I love her, she has made my life so much richer, she's funny, she tells me what I need to hear, and she's the best Mum in the world. She says she loves me too, and we enjoy a remarkable sex life. Just before her fiftieth birthday last year she dropped a bombshell - she had met up with an old boyfriend and started an affair with him - all by text and messenger. I saw some of the messages it was pretty deep stuff. She said she could love two people and definitely didn't want to lose what we have, and since the other bloke is in Australia there's no risk of anything happening is there? I found it really hard to deal with and eventually she agreed reluctantly to stop things. However, she has now started them up again. She says she can't stop it. She thinks the only way to stop is to meet with this bloke and have sex, and then she will be free of his spell. Sort of ... I don't understand it. May help to know this is a guy she nearly shagged when she was twenty, but never did. And she can't get it out of her mind. Like a bucket list thing. He's in a failing marriage over there, and I think he's playing her.

I ask her for some commitment to me and the life we have here, but she won't give it. Who knows what might happen she says, it's like she wants to be a leaf in the wind blaming everyone else for waht's happening. Which is the other thing. She has become really nasty - before I found out she was back with this bloke she was at me almost constantly about how useless I am, how selfish I am, how I never have time for her or clear up. All of which is true to a certain extent, but .. this was vicious, and I have really been trying since the last time this happened. So she is trying to tell me that this is my fault, that she needs this, that it doesn't affect our life here with two kids and three cats, and that I mustn't rock the boat or the kids will suffer.
I'm making her sound like a witch - she's not, she's the most kind and beautiful person I have ever known, so why is she doing this? She is intimate with this other bloke and I can't deal with it. She's become dishonest, and I can't trust her. I don't know who she is right now. I think she's fooling herself, and she doesn't see the pain or the damage she is doing to what she says she cares about. And I don't know what to do. I told her to grow up, and take her responsibities seriously, which was wrong. I told her to drop the bloke, which is wrong according to her counsellor. What the hell do I do?

Her counsellor wouldn't (or shouldn't) be telling her that dropping this other guy is "wrong" I think she's probably applying her own interpretation to what he/she has said.

That aside, your wife is cheating on you. You're already finding that difficult to process and it's just going to get worse. You mention you weren't the best around the house. Make some serious effort there (after all, you may well be living on your own again in the near future - get the practice in now) and tell her she needs to cut this guy off right now.

If she refuses I think you need to initiate a divorce. Presumably your DC are at least secondary school age - they'll cope if you help them to.

Begin divorce proceedings immediately. She doesn't give a shit about your marriage. Even if she agrees to try and give it another go, her heart won't be in it and you will forever be wondering if she'll cheat on you again, or wonder where she is on a night out.

He is offering her a fantasy life and I am not sure it is possible to compete with that. You can tell her to drop him but she has to want your marriage more than she wants her fantasy in order to do that and it doesn't sound like she does, I would be asking her to leave until she decides what she wants to do.

I'm sorry but I think your marriage is over. How on earth would you ever put this behind you?

She's really not interested.

For your own sanity, walkaway

It's part of The Script. In order for her to convince herself that she's been in a living hell that only this mans penis can rescue her from, she needs to demonise you.

It's a tale as old as time and sadly predictable.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Actually you should read every bit of the archive on that site. It may be illuminating.

Stop playing the "pick me dance" and end the relationship. Tell people this is due to her infidelity. She is behaving terribly and needs to face reality. It's actually your best chance of "getting her back" if (after separating) this is what you still want.

She told you about the affair.
She told you that she won't stop contacting him.
She told you all your 'faults' in her mind.

She wants to end the marriage but she doesn't have the maturity nor decency nor courage to do that...so she hopes you will just leave. You should because this is a matter of self respect. She has no respect for you, but you should have some for yourself, and some for your children to demonstrate appropriate role model behaviour. Even if she doesn't meet with this man...there will be others so cut your losses and save your heart for someone more worthy of it.

It may be significant that your wife was approaching her 50th birthday as this can be a wobbly stage when people sometimes need confirmation of their desirability plus there's some nostalgic looking backwards to a rose tinted past which offers tantalising possibilities which appear more exciting than everyday life. That said, clearly your wife's perspective is currently distorted by her own needs and she is forgetting her responsibilities and commitment to you. She calls you "selfish" (and maybe she has reason to as you admit) but sounds as if she's projecting her own feelings about her own selfishness onto you.

Why is she seeing a counsellor? Is there an underlying reason for her new behaviour? I can totally understand why you would feel hurt and confused by her behaviour but maybe talking to her about what's really going on (fear of ageing, dissatisfaction etc which are all a normal part of life) may bring you closer together as it sounds like you've had a good union apart from this. She probably knows that meeting this ghost from her past will solve none of her dissatisfaction. She may be fearful about the next phase of your lives and this behaviour is acting out such fears. She may require understanding rather than condemnation. Agree that no counsellor worth their salt would be directly squashing your suggestion to avoid contact with the OM.

OP you sound like a lovely and insightful man (from what you have written here), it is clear that you love your wife.

For your sanity and your children's sanity buy her a one way ticket to Oz and tell her to fuck off get your ducks in a row and seperate/start divorce proceedings. Be strong.

I'm sorry but you can't save your marriage.

You need to get moving on divorce. She is behaving appallingly and doesn't care. The emotional blackmail over the children is disgusting.

She is no longer who you thought she was.

It's almost like a mid life crisis this isn't it?

She's putting all her romantic hopes and dreams on m a married man living in Australia, whom she's never had sex and based on how he was over 30 years ago.

And what are her thoughts on what you and your kids will be doing while she takes two planes across the world for what undoubtedly will be the most disappointing and awkward one night stand in the world. Like the Worlds worst Mills & Boon novel.

I can't possibly see what could go wrong.

OP - don't wait to see how this pans out. If we all felt like we had the right to get the things we needed out of our system the world would be in bloody chaos. She's asking for permission to cheat fgs.

She had a warning to stop this emotional affair, she obviously won't. So she's pissed on her chips. Get out and lead a life with someone you can trust us committed to you.

I think you need to split too. Split the house in half, share custody of the 14 year old. She can then do what she likes. Better to split everything first so you don't risk taking her back when it goes tits up and she comes running back to you, as she definitely will. Only even if you took her back she won't be happy and it'll happen again.

Sorry but she's not "kind". I know you love her but really, how can she treat her life partner and the father of her children with so little regard or respect.

If she wants to pursue this other guy then that's up to her. But at least have the decency not to string you along.

At the end of the day do you really want to share your life and your finer feelings with someone like this?

She is singing the Cheaters Script loud and proud.

Tell her to move out. You do not have to put up with this behaviour and you don't have to house someone who makes you feel this terrible.

She's unhappy? she can fuck off and do something about it, but to destroy you and the kids? no. Not happening.

Once she is out, you will start to feel better.

She is committing relationship suicide - treating you so badly that the relationship will collapse without her having to actually do the decent thing and end it. Surround yourself with your family andgood friends

OP, I agree with everyone else. It's terribly sad, but she's behaving appallingly, and you need to leave her.

She's walking all over you. Please have some self respect and leave her to it. She can then go to Australia if that's what she really wants to do - I'd be willing to bet that the bloke over there isn't in an unhappy marriage, he's just enjoying having this woman sexting him etc. I bet his wife is completely unaware that he's telling people that he's unhappy, and she thinks that they're as happy as, well, as you were before all this came out.

Maybe you don't do enough around the house. Lots of men don't. But having an affair with someone else instead of sitting down and discussing it is not the way to deal with it!

Your children are old enough to understand what's going on, and they will have picked up that things aren't right. They are also old enough to make their own decisions on where they want to live - and if their mother is about to jet off round the world for a fling, they will have to live with you for a while at least!

Get the ball rolling, get your ducks in a row and tell her that she can go to Oz if she wants, you're off. Good luck OP, it's a horrible situation but you've done nothing to deserve it.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do to rescue your marriage. Your wife's behaviour is terrible.

The best thing you can do is respect and protect yourself by asking her to leave. She is disrespecting your marriage. Can you imagine if the tables were turned and you were demanding to sleep with another woman?

Good luck OP

Agree with all the above. Your wife isn't the kind woman you love, she's treating you appallingly and placing the blame on you by highlighting your supposed faults as a way of trying to justify her behaviour and shirk the guilt.

before I found out she was back with this bloke she was at me almost constantly about how useless I am, how selfish I am, how I never have time for her or clear up. Your wife is the one who's acting selfishly. How much time does she have for you and your marriage when she's spending her time carrying on with OM?

She said she could love two people and definitely didn't want to lose what we have, and since the other bloke is in Australia there's no risk of anything happening is there?
She says she can't stop it. She thinks the only way to stop is to meet with this bloke and have sex, and then she will be free of his spell.
Would she be of the same mindset if the tables where turned? Would she honestly think, of course my DH can love 2 people, nothing wrong with that plus it doesn't matter that he is emotionally connected to OW and fantasises about fucking her bc she's at the other side of the world? How about, of course DH should meet OW and fuck her brains out, it's the only way to get her out of his system? For some reason I struggle to believe she'd be OK with that yet she expects you to accept it from her. She can stop anytime, she just doesn't want to.

If you stay, I fear she will see it as the green light to do as she pleases, therefore I can't see anyway forward unless you end things and separate. In time she may realise the grass isn't greener and beg your forgiveness while being fully aware you won't accept her behaviour or she may not, but hopefully by then you will be in a happier place than you are in this marriage.

Your DW is being incredibly cruel to you. If I were in your shoes I'd offer to help pay for her airfare and spend some time in Australia.
She's living in fantasy land and she's going to come tumbling down.

If you want to save this marriage then you absolutely have to stop doing the 'pick me dance'
You will have to kick her out.
She will need to understand what real loss is.
That you won't just put up with anything.
Because that is what you are doing right now.
This will lessen her respect for you.
And of course your own self respect..

Or... you have a conversation with her.
Tell her there is a woman interested in you and you can see the benefits now of an open relationship.
See how she reacts to that!

hellsbells is right. If you want to save your marriage you have to kick her out. She thinks that whatever she does you wll always be there to pick up the pieces, and this makes you look very weak and undesireable in her eyes. Make yourself unavailable, and then she'll realise what she is giving up.

In your shoes I wouldn't take her back though. I took back a cheater. It was a mistake as you don't forget even if you try to forgive and it is very damaging.

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