I'm a bloke. I've never been on a site like this, or asked for help like this, never thought I'd need to, but this seems like a good place to be right now. I've been with my wife for about 30 years, we have two children aged 14 and 18, and I thought we had a great life together, despite difficulties which we overcame, and which I thought brought us closer together. I love her, she has made my life so much richer, she's funny, she tells me what I need to hear, and she's the best Mum in the world. She says she loves me too, and we enjoy a remarkable sex life. Just before her fiftieth birthday last year she dropped a bombshell - she had met up with an old boyfriend and started an affair with him - all by text and messenger. I saw some of the messages it was pretty deep stuff. She said she could love two people and definitely didn't want to lose what we have, and since the other bloke is in Australia there's no risk of anything happening is there? I found it really hard to deal with and eventually she agreed reluctantly to stop things. However, she has now started them up again. She says she can't stop it. She thinks the only way to stop is to meet with this bloke and have sex, and then she will be free of his spell. Sort of ... I don't understand it. May help to know this is a guy she nearly shagged when she was twenty, but never did. And she can't get it out of her mind. Like a bucket list thing. He's in a failing marriage over there, and I think he's playing her.
I ask her for some commitment to me and the life we have here, but she won't give it. Who knows what might happen she says, it's like she wants to be a leaf in the wind blaming everyone else for waht's happening. Which is the other thing. She has become really nasty - before I found out she was back with this bloke she was at me almost constantly about how useless I am, how selfish I am, how I never have time for her or clear up. All of which is true to a certain extent, but .. this was vicious, and I have really been trying since the last time this happened. So she is trying to tell me that this is my fault, that she needs this, that it doesn't affect our life here with two kids and three cats, and that I mustn't rock the boat or the kids will suffer.
I'm making her sound like a witch - she's not, she's the most kind and beautiful person I have ever known, so why is she doing this? She is intimate with this other bloke and I can't deal with it. She's become dishonest, and I can't trust her. I don't know who she is right now. I think she's fooling herself, and she doesn't see the pain or the damage she is doing to what she says she cares about. And I don't know what to do. I told her to grow up, and take her responsibities seriously, which was wrong. I told her to drop the bloke, which is wrong according to her counsellor. What the hell do I do?