Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Finally severed ties with mother and I don't know how to feel....

32 replies

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 11:30

I posted another thread about how I didn't want my mum to have my kids cos she used to beat me and didn't see my grandfather abusing me....I changed my name to AngryAboutPast.

Well it all came to a head last night and I ended up hanging up the phone and severing all ties with her and my sister (there was another reason behind all this as well that I am not up to going into at the moment)

I have sent her an email this morning, pouring my heart out to her about all what she has done to me in the past and how much it has hurt and affected me.

I don't know now to feel....in a way I feel kind of relieveed, but at the same time, upset that I will never have a mother.

Have I done the right thing

OP posts:

gothicmama · 14/07/2004 11:43

If you feel relieved then I think you have done the right thing - you should be kind to yourself now as you have a greiving process to go through you are bound to be upset cos whatever has happened she was your mum. Try to allw yourself time to grieve then move on to something enjoyable to do with all your new found positive energy.

Babyannabel · 14/07/2004 11:52

Poor you, it must have been a difficult decision but if you feel relieved than that must be good. I am sure you will feel better about it soon. You have obviously put up with an awful lot of heartache and so now it's time to think about happy things and a better future for you and your children.

mummytosteven · 14/07/2004 11:52

Hi there - just seen this - didn't realise you were going through such a hard time - (hugs) - i remember seeing the original thread (angry about past). It's tough but I think that you are doing the right thing - unless she apologises for the way she treats you, and you feel that she would never treat your kids the same way, it will continue to eat away at you and make you feel worse. Partly you are upset not that you will never have a mother, but also that you will never have a good mother that treats you like you deserve. It's a very difficult thing to accept but some parents just don't deserve to have children. I so hope that when your mum reads your e-mail something will finally click in her and realise how badly she has treated you.

Take care
.

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 11:57

iver just had mums husband on the phone going on at me now......i cant go on like this.

OP posts:

Babyannabel · 14/07/2004 12:00

Screen your calls, ignore the doorbell, do anything to avoid the confrontation with your mum and her husband! You need time for yourself just now and to put yourself and your feelings first. Have a hug with your children if they aren't at school (I don't know how old they are), but concentrate on the good things in your life and not the bad. You CAN get through this.

unicorn · 14/07/2004 12:01

really feel for you. Think it may help to have some counselling- as you probably need to talk it through and learn to deal with it.

I had a major row with my mother at Christmas- and I got off my chest a lot of stuff which she didn't want to hear... we are now communicating- but not on the level we were (which tbqh was full of pretence)
I think when you have kids it makes you realise a hell of a lot about mothering skills (or lack of)...
At least you will be a better mother to your kids than she was to you.
Wishing you all the best-I reckon you have taken the first step in regaining your life.

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 12:20

i am going to change my number...... have just found a house about 100 miles away.......i need to put some distance between us

OP posts:

lou33 · 14/07/2004 12:25

Dh and I severed all ties with his mum last summer. Despite the fact that leaves my kid with only 1 grandparent, who sees them maybe once every year or so, we feel tremendous relief and a sense of freedom from her being gone. We spent many many years being made to feel like dirt, and she had no respect for us whatsoever. We said to ourselves, if she has no respect for us, she will get that across to the kids one day as they get biger, and did we really want to have someone like that around us, draining us everytime we saw her. The answer was no, and we have never regretted it.

i think if your initial reaction was one of relief, then you have made the right decision.

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 12:32

i wish i could tell you all the whole story but i cant....... I am happy for those of you who have made the best of these situations

OP posts:

vivalavulva · 14/07/2004 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

vivalavulva · 14/07/2004 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 12:52

Honey its so hard in the beginning - I have orphaned myself from my father and stepmonster and feel so much better for it - the constant day to day anger gradually subsides and you realise that you are a worthwhile person and deserve to be treated better than they have and are treating you and although lots of peopkle have said forgive and forget at least to me I can't and I find everyday that I am a happier stronger person.

It will get easier and time will help heal the trauma that you have sufferde although I doubt it will ever go away. Can you speak to a professional about this and maybe get some counselling - it really helpedme!!

(I cut ties with my sister last night after a hefty row - was worried you were her for a moment!!)

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 12:55

the house is 100 miles away from where i am now beety. I have to get away from everything. Twinkie have you fallen out with your sister now then?

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 14/07/2004 12:59

lonelymum, i'm really sorry to hear about this. Yes, I think your sense of relief means you have done the right thing. I think you have been very brave to confront such a difficult and upsetting situation, but by doing what you have done you are giving your mum a chance to own up to past events and the potential to heal those wounds. She may not be able to do that, but at least you have tried. Nothing to add except to send you hugs XXX

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 13:05

Oh yes big time after her call to me last night - will post on another thread - I am just sick of being apunch bag for her feelings and her so called shitty life - good job, nice husband, nice house, great sister and yet nothing is right and I have everything and am just patronising her when giving advice - BLEUGH - sorry will post somewhere else.

Have you thought of seeing someone though and talking your feelings through - I did and it really really helped me.

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 13:10

twinkie i am sorry...i hope you are ok. i saw cousellors when i was younger and TBH they messed up my head even more

OP posts:

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 13:17

What about a psychotherapist - thats what I saw and they didn;t try and fix anything just helped me think about things in a different way.

Fio2 · 14/07/2004 13:23

I dont see my father anymore and at first I felt confused/hurt/abandoned but now over a year later I feel releif like thge others have said. he cant manipulate me anymore and it is better

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 13:29

twinkie how do i go about that?

OP posts:

Twinkie · 14/07/2004 14:03

Get a referral to your doctor - I got one and had to pay myself about £35 a session but you can get it on the NHS if you are prepared to wait - it really did help and although sometimes I still feel that I wish I had a normal family and wish I hadn't had to deal with everything I have in my life things are looking up and one day hopefully I will have people around me who love and want me for who I am and don;t make me feel like a piece of poo!!

I live in Kent/SE London if that helps I can give you the number of someone??

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 14:06

im miles away from you twinkie but thanks anyway. i will ring the doctors later

OP posts:

mummytosteven · 14/07/2004 14:12

I see somebody in Bromborough nearish to Chester on the Wirral - would that be too far for you to get to? Next time I see him I can ask him if there is anybody he could recommend nearer to you. I didn't do it via my doctors - so if your GP isn't any use, you can try and find a therapist yourself if you go private. I found mine through the The British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies (BABCP) www.babcp.com.

Original poster

lonelymumof3 · 14/07/2004 16:11

i think thats a bit too far for me. I would have to get there on public transport with 3 kids! I feel like I have been kicked in the guts a bit now after thinking about it all morning

OP posts:

kalex · 14/07/2004 16:14

Lmof3

Sorry that you are having such a shiity time!

I haven't read all the posts but going to your dr's and getting a referral may be a really good thing. I went and saw a brilliant person for about 6 months, but that was after trying out a couple of shitty ones first.

And my referall was really quick 2 weeks I think.

Thinking of you

kalex · 14/07/2004 16:15

Also mine was free, another postcode lottery service from the NHS !!

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread