Finally severed ties with mother and I don't know how to feel....

[lonelymumof3]

I posted another thread about how I didn't want my mum to have my kids cos she used to beat me and didn't see my grandfather abusing me....I changed my name to AngryAboutPast.

Well it all came to a head last night and I ended up hanging up the phone and severing all ties with her and my sister (there was another reason behind all this as well that I am not up to going into at the moment)

I have sent her an email this morning, pouring my heart out to her about all what she has done to me in the past and how much it has hurt and affected me.

I don't know now to feel....in a way I feel kind of relieveed, but at the same time, upset that I will never have a mother.

Have I done the right thing

i just have so much i need to get straight in my head

Lonelymum,

It is so hard to advise anybody to break ties with their family. Not sure if you have seen my thread "Was this abuse or am I over-reacting?". Well I was in a similar situation - my parents verbally and physically abused me as a child.

Sadly when I did confront them - a long letter in which I poured my heart out I did not get the response I expected. They point blank denied any wrong doing. Subsequently there have been such awful ramifications - mud slinging, slanderous lies and worst of all my father accusing me of being mentally unstable.

All I wanted was a little love and warmth and an acknowledgement of the appalling way I was treated during my childhood at times - sadly I will never get any of that and I have severed ties with all my family, including my brother (only sibling).

I truly hope you have a good outcome and that your mum acknowledges your hurt and makes an appropriate attempt to make things right. But in my inexperience hon that may not happen.

Let us know how you get on.

PS: I haven't read this thread but briefly caught the gist of advise to seek counselling. I totally agree with this - I started counselling and it was very therapeutic.

HTH

You sound so sad LonelyMum and I have thought this on other threads you have posted on. Why are you lonely? Can you get to some groups with the children to meet new people? Are you a single mum? Do you think you might be depressed and need some extra help? Tell us some more and you might find there are some MNs around you who you could meet up with.

Lonelymum (and all others in the same situation)

Would strongly suggest you read a copy of the publication by Susan Forward called "Toxic Parents". It is widely available and you should be able to order a copy of it through Amazon.

With best wishes

Hawaii

lonelymumof3 dont give up she might come round. I severed ties with my mum for two years. She tried to reach me and I cut off all contact. We now have a reasonable relationship but I needed the break.

It also made her realise that there were limits to how she could treat me and what she could do to me and now she knows that if she pushes me too far I am capable of complete silence.

In a way it has made our relationship more grown up but it took time.

Big hug it happened to me on Christmas Eve and I vowed she would never spoil another of my Christmases and she hasnt. I felt awful at the time but now it was the right thing for me to do. Hope you feel better soon.

Hi Lonelymum, sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I broke contact with my mother and step'father' 2 years ago, I have to say, now things are less raw I feel better than I ever have done in my life. It was also due to various forms of abuse, most of which were later denied, or 'blamed' on me (I'll insert an 'etc' here, rather than blather on, on someone else's thread!)
I too used psychotherapy to help, it really helped me to value myself amongst many other things. It's meant to be a very gentle form of 'counselling', I found it really helped me to clarify everything in my mind.
I really do feel for you. Cutting ties with parents is an extremely difficult process. I found that I kept returning to ask my mother the same old questions, I really felt I needed and deserved answers. It took me some time to realise the enjoyment 'they' were gleaning from having this continuing control over me.
My psychotherapist said once that it's not how people treat me, but how I let them treat me. In my case, never a truer word....!
I hope you start to feel better soon, I'm sure you will over time. I have great sympathy with you regarding your mum's husband calling you. My step'father' went as far as to call my DH and try to get him on their 'side'! We of course didn't entertain any of it.
I think we all want to be nurtured, loved and protected by our mums, whatever age we are. Sadly it doesn't always work out that way, but you aren't alone.
x