I have just managed to break away from my narcissist/sociopath/psychopath after 3 1/2 years. I don't know where to begin. There has been financial, emotional and physical abuse. He is completely authoritarian, has to have his own way 100% with no discussion (any attempt to introduce a discussion would lead to immediate argument). He is a massive attention seeker. Charming and the life and soul when out. Withdrawn, grumpy and sulky when at home. Impatient and short. Can ignore me for days before letting me know what I did "wrong". Deflect, deflect, deflect - for instance, constantly accusing me of flirting when he is the biggest flirt I've ever seen, accusing me of attention seeking (when it's what he does). Constantly talked about how his exes had taken him for a ride and lied about him (to explain why they all hate him and why they all allege the same things I now see in him). Even though I did loads and loads for him and his kids, constantly telling me that in comparison to everything he did for me I did very little. I was paying for mortgage, all utilities, sky and our food. His financial contribution tiny in comparison but he'd "big it up" whenever I challenged him and end up getting angry to shut me up.
When we argued he would have little flashes of anger when he would shove me (permanent whiplash in my neck), or pull my hair or push me to the ground, smash my phone or my laptop. Two more serious incidents when I had a black eye - threw something at me one time (also had a nasty cut on the nose from that), smacked my head on a tiled floor the other time (I was down there because he'd pushed me down).
Massive hypocrite - always doing the sorts of things he complained that I was doing. Over time that would really give me the rage and I'd call him on it.
Constant lying about small things (and probably big things too, I have no idea)
Controlling - he would never say I couldn't go out but would make it clear he thought I shouldn't, so my friendships suffered and I felt increasingly isolated - he'd say that my friends should understand we both have younger children, theirs are older, they don't work but I do, and weren't they selfish for expecting me to go out. When we went out together he'd give me such a hard time for getting too drunk, being too loud (ie enjoying myself) or flirting (not true) that I became withdrawn (normally a very confident person). Isolated me from my family because they made it clear they didn't like him and he said it would be unfair to him for me to have anything to do with them. His next thing was to isolate my friends - he'd started to criticise them all the time.
Financially abusive - when anything needed paying for he'd ask me to give him my credit card even though he had his own, or tell me to get the cash. I'm massively in debt now. Used my ebay account rather than his own to make purchases. Got me to invest in things saying he'd share profit with me, but we made a loss every time. When I asked him about sharing the loss/paying me back for things he'd bought he'd get really cross so I'd just end up dropping the subject.
I read a post a few days ago which touched a nerve. It said "This sort of narcissistic abuse is known for provoking extreme reactions from the partner who is being abused. Then their reaction is used to "prove" they are the ones being unreasonable. This sort of behaviour is now widely known to all the relevant experts" - yes yes yes to this, I had started to become a screaming banshee, I had become so wound up by his behaviour and the constant pressure that I would snap and shout at him, whereas before I'd just take it and not complain, for a quiet life. He claimed he had made a collection of videos of me yelling at him and would threaten to show them to people.
Constant gaslighting - over serious things (eg the violence) as well as minor things (eg claiming to have told me something when he absolutely hadn't). He would claim after incidents of violence that I had attacked him and would claim to have video evidence (which he can't have had).
He wasn't very nice to my kids, would lay down Hitleresque rules then punish them severely for minor infractions. But if they toed the line he was OK. His own children were immune - the older one didn't dare put a foot wrong and the younger one he claimed was too young for rules (eg my kids punished for being 2 minutes late to bed, his younger one had no set bed time).
Would tell me to make sure I told people that we'd bought a house together, or a car, but then he'd tell all his friends and family that they were his and not "ours".
He would never flatter me but would always tell me that I was rubbish at my job, hadn't brought up my children very well, always doing me down. Telling me that nobody else would look at me. Would talk himself up, always saying how women would throw themselves at him and how lucky I was to have him. It's hard to leave a relationship like that. My friends have been trying to persuade me to get out for months and months.
Finally did it 2 weeks ago.
He's trying to "hoover" me back up, both directly and via the children. Intermittent abusive messages, interspersed with "I miss you" messages and instructions to go and tell everyone that I've made everything up. Currently I'm blocked by him on everything (oh the irony) but I'll be unblocked in a couple of days. Lots of PA crap on Instagram and facebook (so immature, he' s nearly 50 ffs).
There is one more financial issue to sort out so I'm trying not to react at the moment, but when this is all over I will have nothing more to do with him whatsoever and will tell him that straight - he's currently in denial about his behaviour and blaming everything on me and going round telling whoever will listen (including me) that I am lying about the bullying, control and abuse.
The first year and a half was good. It was after we bought a house together that things changed. I just got so caught up in it and wanting to make it work and hoping he'd change. And it's hard to believe, but I loved him very much. I feel a fool now. I should have seen that it was never going to end well. He's a great friend to people, but his personality means that he can never be a good partner. I now know that all of his exes all make the same allegations about him, without exception.
Wow, this is quite cathartic. Sorry for rambling.