What's it like being in a non-abusive relationship?

[Teepish]

Just that really
Every "romantic" relationship I've had has been unhealthy, including my marriage which ended last year.
I've contemplated the past a lot and for some reason I accepted less than I should have. Each one started where I appeared to be on a pedestal, could do no wrong, was wonderful, then ended with abuse, lies, cheating and just being degraded.
What's it like being with someone who you don't feel suspicious of 24/7, and who doesnt make you feel insecure? Someone who doesn't talk down to you in front of people? And do all men pester you for sex and make you feel badly for not wanting it sometimes I only did it with my H because I was afraid he would cheat on me if I didnt. He cheated anyway...

I feel ready to meet someone else now but I just cant imagine what a nice man is like

didn't want to read and run.

I'm sorry you've had an awful time. I am bitter and single and man hating atm so can't give you any advice.

Single and never managed to get into a relationship, but I'd say, first and foremost, you should expect a romantic partner to be your friend.

When he does something like making you feel insecure, ask yourself: Would a friend do that?

Perhaps be a bit more wary of men who put you on a pedestal. We all idealize our friends a bit (I certainly do) but I think you are able to tell if someone genuinely likes almost everything about you, and doesn't care about your little flaws, or whether someone worships at the feet of an image of you he has created that has nothing to do with your real personality.

Ask men what their ex girlfriend was like. If every single ex allegedly was a horrible demon from hell, then proceed with caution.

Rule of thumb: the way he talks about his ex, he might talk one day about you.

Sorry you've had a bad time. Being with a nice man is great. I haven't got much basis fror comparison, because I've only had a couple of long-term relationships and both were with decent, kind people (secomd one being dh). I'm fortunate enough never to have had any kind of abusive relationship with anyone at all.

Dh and I are chilled-out together, never ever have rows, enjoy the same things in life, get on well with each other's friends and family and have never once had cause to be jealous or resentful of each other. He's supportive of what I want to do and vice versa. We have two kids and enjoy being parents. Neither of us are particularly romantic types really. No pedestals, no possessiveness. I can't help feeling that the whirlwind romance type relationships between very passionate people are often the ones that don't last or that drag on, making the couple miserable and stressed.

There are nice blokes out there, OP. Hope you find one. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than be in a relationship with an arsehole.

being in a good relationship is the little things your partner does for you
like bringing in a box of chocolates for you for no reason other than he saw them and thought ooh issey would like those
getting up way before hes at work to take me to work in the car (local ten minute ride) so i dont have to risk a bus not turning up
randomly taking me out for a meal so i dont have to cook
a good morning kiss every morning
being respectful of each other
sometimes one or other compromises just to please the other person
deciding major decisions together
not calling each other horrible names
going out on date nights even though you live together
lots of other little things that add up to both of you feeling good about being together
a bad relaionship is bad whichever way you look at it and you are better off single than in a bad relationship

I sent these pictures from the Freedom Programme to my friend earlier (she's in the process of escaping an abuser).

I escaped XH 10 years ago and met DP 6 years ago, it's the exact opposite of my marriage, it's wonderful. I'm sorry you're having a tough time OP

Have you been on this site for a while?
Please consider doing the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.
It will really help with your self-esteem, setting boundaries and spotting red flags early on so you can run away fast.

Eolian you are spot on about the whirlwind pedestal relationships, I learned this far too late. I realise now that true romance is the everyday thoughtful practicalities.
I've been on here for quite a while on and off, had long breaks now and again I'm having counselling at the moment to really get to grips with my past, it has been fantastic so far (even after a lot of discomfort).
It had never even occurred to me that the basic foundation should be friendship. I think this is because even my friendships were skewed.

Teepish

What the other respondents have written and I would certainly recommend the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; what sort of an example did your parents show you?.

I would also consider counselling to unravel what you exactly learnt about relationships when growing up starting with your dad. He after all was the first male influence in your life and an important one. Did you accept less than you should have from him as well.

Not really all my exes tick several of those points in the abusive category, my H ticks a lot
Reading the Normal man is like, strange to me - I've never just been friends with a man ! I feel very self conscious around men tbh. Now I'm thinking I probably have more work to do in counselling.

Infact I note you are having counselling; keep going with it. You may well need to unlearn an awful lot of rubbish you were taught about relationships along the way

In a happy , equal relationship you feel like a team. You share everything , the hard work and the good times.

You feel unafraid to voice opinions.

You argue fairly and BOTH compromise rather than find yourself constantly bullied into accepting their viewpoint as gospel.

Having someone who treats you with respect means them not idolising you from the beginning. Idolising is just another way of objectifying you. And also a lot abusers "love bomb" their victims to put up the facade of being romantic and pleasant to be around. Of course once you're in their thrall it's a different story. Also be suspicious of people who want to escalate the relationship too fast- talking about moving in, marriage and kids early on.
My relationship is nice and equitable. It might be viewed as boring. He does his fair share of work in the house, he talks to me like I'm an equal, he's not controlling, and if we have a problem it's talked about frankly and not allowed to fester. He brings me breakfast in bed often and cooks dinner most nights. He gets up early with the kids 50% of the time. He's never cheated. He talks about other women with respect.

It's the wee stuff. The little things which show that your needs are at the front of their mind along with theirs as second nature. Kindness. And no pedestal. I always think you never love anyone more than when you accept them faults and all.

Attila I have read your posts before
Growing up my dad was looked after by my mum, in a very 1950's sort of way. He put her down very subtely and talked to her like she was stupid sometimes. He was a little domineering and decided he didnt like her friends, so stopped socialising with her, and kind of made her feel badly for socialising without him. He did keep her down, he repressed who she was.
I seemed to absorb all of this like a sponge and re-enact it in adulthood almost?!
Growing up there felt like a vibe of, "Men do what they want and get away with it. Women stay at home and get on with it."

When my H first cheated on me both my parents, and his parents, told me to get over it. It was just a kiss and thats what men do. I am still shocked I was encouraged to accept that.

MrsUnderwood your relationship sounds wonderful
Getting up with the kids 50% of the time is something I thought was not normal in a man. Or talking about women with respect. I've been so blind

I think that a lot of things which some (especially young) women might find attractive or pleasingly attentive in a man early on in a relationship would be big red flags to me. Excessive complimenting, lots of gifts, even mild 'flattering' jealousy, protectiveness, unwillingness to socialise separately, wanting to know where you are all the time, excessive dwelling on particular aspects of your appearance, moving on to serious commitment too quickly etc etc. Any of that would be off-putting. Early relationship should be fun, light-hearted and involve socialising with other people too.

You feel like an equal. You are never ever afraid of them even in the most heated of arguments. They never stop you doing anything you want to do because of jealousy or possessiveness. If you change your mind about sex, as in if you decide you don't want sex even if foreplay has been initiated and is well underway, they might moan a little they don't have a go at you about it. They don't care if you spend time with male friends. They don't see contraception as being your responsibility alone. They don't say things like "I'm your man so it's my responsibility to look after you" or other things that sound romantic but are actually just creepy.

He's out there OP

Do you recognise and could you note down what are the bad/abusive bits?

Do you have a sister/friends who do have loving normal relationships?
Do you recognise those normal traits.

How is your counselling going? What does your counsellor say about why you keep repeating?

Do you know what a good nice guy is? When I first met Dh, I knew he was a goodie.

My relationship is quite boring too. We just trot along nicely. It's the little things, like a pp said, that shows his thought, his consideration for me, is right up there, putting me before himself sometimes.
I never feel I have to be anything other than the real me.

Friendship is definitely key. My partner is the first person I've been with who I can honestly say is my best friend. He treats me how a friend should and how a partner should. He's someone who would always have my back and is my personal cheerleader just like a friend is. Not a day goes by where we don't have a good laugh about something. The rest were never like that and always made me feel insecure. You don't do that to someone you care about

Oblomov these are things I'm constantly thinking about, I go over and over in my mind what it must be like to be with someone kind and good/what was bad and that should be noted as huge Red Flags in the future. My counsellor keeps telling me I am doing really well as my assertiveness gets stronger every session.
I think I would know what a good guy was, but as I've never been attracted to one before I am extremely cautious about trusting my judgment! I do know that I've come a long way in a year though.

If we're unhappy we talk about things and we both make changes if we need to. Like we were both unhappy about how we were managing our money, we were both wrong, so we apologised to each other and both made changes so that now we're both much happier. Neither of us are 'my way or the highway' people. We compromise. We look out for each other.

It's not perfect, we still bicker and argue and get grumpy! But that's the superficial stuff - underneath, we're pretty strong.

Everyone deserves to have that kind of relationship op, you know? You deserve that too!

One of the things I always say is that you need to know what you don't want as much as what you do want.

For context, I had some terrible 'relationships' before I met my husband, not exactly abusive, but populated with, among others, a junkie, and an alcoholic who tried to fuck all my friends (the ones I still speak to said no).

I met my husband online on a dating site and we spent a lot of time talking and emailing before we met so we had all the really big conversations first, and yes, he could have been spinning me a line but fortunately he wasn't!

He has never raised his voice to me - not once. He has never spoken to me with anything other than respect - he doesn't belittle me or my achievements, or make me feel bad, guilty or worthless or that I need to seek his approval. We have differences of opinion and that's fine and sometimes one of us might get a bit snappy, but it's never a reason for a row, I don't feel like I have to keep the peace or make sure he stays in a good mood.

He makes me feel that we are a team, we are in this together, our sadnesses and joys are shared - he is there for me when I need him to be as much as I am for him.

At the moment he is doing pretty much ALL the childcare. And he does more than his fair share the housework - it's our house and both our responsibility.

He has good friends of long-standing who like and admire him - both men and women - and he values their friendship.

He also understands my oddities and is able to temper my impulsive and reckless nature without it being controlling or mean. And when he fails at reining me in he doesn't get pissed off or go on about it or any of that sort of thing.

I make him sound like a god - and to me he is - but actually he's just a nice normal man who makes sure that his loved ones know how much they are loved. And he listens - he really listens - he shows this by thinking of us all the time, he'll come home with something I might like, or something to take to my mum's or a news article he spotted for my sister or a joke for my BiL - he's just thoughtful like that.

You deserve this as much as any of us do, and armed with the right bullshit detector you'll find it!

You should have no fear in a healthy relationship. You should be able to discuss everything and argue without worrying it will end the relationship or you'll end up physically hurt and you should be able to depend on the other for support.

Your partner should never make you feel worthless or hurt you deliberately and if they do something that does hurt you they'll apologise without reservation.

Don't settle for less.

I am in a good marriage after bad relationships
This time I feel supported and valued and we are a team.
It's worth waiting for. Sorry you have had a bad experience.