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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To Tell An Old Acquaitance The Truth About Her Relationship?

33 replies

PinkMagpie · 26/07/2017 13:31

Hi all, would appreciate some views as I am in two minds about what to do. I was in my last relationship for 6 years and DP's best friend was serially unfaithful to his girlfriend. Cheated on her with multiple women, had several women on the go in side relationships. I only know this because he used to tell ex-DP all about it - boast to him about it really.

I am still friends with all of them on Facebook and I see that this couple are engaged and going to be married in a few week's time. I never said anything to her about it while I was with ex-DP. I thought about saying something several times but it would have caused huge problems between ex-DP and his best friend. I am now wondering if I should say something to this woman before she marries him. I don't believe he will ever change and I also think she has no idea. What would you do?

OP posts:
WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 26/07/2017 13:35

I would leave it tbh.

You will look like a trouble maker and will be painted as the bad guy.

If he is that indiscrete then she either knows and has forgiven him or she will find out from someone who has proof.

PopcornNRedwine · 26/07/2017 13:36

do you know that she's unaware?

Personally I wouldn't say anything.

Original poster
PinkMagpie · 26/07/2017 13:37

Thanks. That has always been my instinct but he seems to just keep getting away with it! Don't want to put a bomb under her life though. She would be devastated by the news, although I do wonder how she doesn't suspect. Maybe she does

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMagpie · 26/07/2017 13:38

I am fairly sure she is unaware. He travels a lot for work which is when he does the majority of his cheating. She was also always mad keen to get married so she may have been turning a blind eye for that reason

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 26/07/2017 14:13

She probably knows some of the stuff.

If it was me if want to know.

Maybe you could send her an anonymous message?

Does your dh know your thinking of doing this?

FilledSoda · 26/07/2017 14:15

Just stay out of it.

TheNaze73 · 26/07/2017 14:16

Not your fight. I'd avoid

Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 14:23

If you can give dates /places and tell her face to face then yes tell her.
My friend has been going through ivf and it turns out her dh has been cheating for ages. . Her friends knew and didn't tell her. . Big bloody mess. .

Original poster
PinkMagpie · 26/07/2017 14:24

She doesn't seem to know any of it - or she is a very good actress!

She has been keen to get married for years and years. My ex-DP said that he had managed to stall her by saying they needed to save for a house. I guess once they had done that he had to propose. Ex-DP always said he didn't know what was wrong with his best friend but he clearly didn't love his partner/ now fiancée.

He cheats on her with anyone he can, whenever he can.

Having said that, I think he does love her in a limited way. And my instinct thus far has always been to stay out of it! I just think if it were me and I were marrying him, I would want to know.

I have thought about the anonymous message route

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkMagpie · 26/07/2017 14:24

I can give concrete examples. And you are right, if I am telling her I should tell her to her face

OP posts:
Needsomeflapjacks · 26/07/2017 14:54

Please no anonymous note. That how my friend found out. . If you genuinely want her to know for the right reasons then big girl pants and do it properly. .
I don't believe in the shoot the messenger opinion if its done with a good heart and not malice /just gossip. .

Hissy · 26/07/2017 14:58

I think she needs to know before she gets married, and it's absolutely fine if you tell her and she still goes ahead with the marriage.

Orlandointhewilderness · 26/07/2017 14:59

personally I would want to know. i would have love for anyone to tell me about my XHs infidelity instead of letting me marry him completely unawares. It would've been painful, but finding out he was having an affair with my bridesmaid 10 months AFTER the wedding was even more painful.

mogulfield · 26/07/2017 15:05

I'd want to know.
However, I did tell a friend their partner was cheating and they refused to believe it. They'll still together now and we're just about friends.

Original poster
PinkMagpie · 26/07/2017 15:08

Thanks for your thoughts all. I think you are right NeedSome an anonymous note would just upset her. It will cause problems for ex-DP if I tell her though.

I suppose I always thought he would eventually get caught. I can also believe that she might know a little of what has gone on and is turning a blind eye. But I can't believe that she knows the true extent.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 26/07/2017 15:09

I would definitely tell her as you have concrete examples, be prepared for her to stay with him and never speak to you

hollyisalovelyname · 26/07/2017 18:02

An anonymous note is better than saying nothing.
If she never suspected before it might make her be more aware.
Personally I'd prefer to know.

FritzDonovan · 26/07/2017 22:40

If he is that indiscrete then she either knows and has forgiven him or she will find out from someone who has proof.
Really? Or are there plenty of ppl who do know and have been given the advice to stay out of it for similar reasons?
I would want to know if it was me, as I'm sure at least 90% of ppl would want to know if they were being cheated on. It depends on the honesty and values of others to tell you though. Sadly there doesn't seem to be that many of these around.
OP, sorry if your DP 'gets into trouble ', but the cheating friend has brought it all down by their own shitty behaviour. Don't protect and enable them any further.

TheCraicDealer · 26/07/2017 22:55

If you were going to do it, the time has passed where any "warning" would've had any effect. She's been with him years and he'll have had to have been very adept at keeping the extent of his cheating a secret. She's probably had suspicions- in fact if he's been that prolific she's probably found him out a few times and just not shared it with her fb friends. She's obviously decided to put whatever quibbles she has to the back of her mind and continue to the relationship and even marry him. It takes a very determined person to shut down those concerns and go down that path despite the sense of disquiet, and the fact it's taken her this long to get to the wedding stage will only heighten that. You going "don't do it, he's a cheater!" is probably just going to make her feel crap and ruin the run up to her wedding for nothing, because I can tell you now she'll probably still go ahead with it.

Frankly if he gets on like that this wedding might be a bright spot for her over the next few years, so I'd let her have it tbh.

Cuckingfunt1981 · 26/07/2017 23:17

I think u shud tell her .why shud she marry such an utter selfish prick who is lead by his dick . Tell her before she married this cretin

CashewNut11 · 26/07/2017 23:45

...and what about her sexual health?!!

I think she should be told.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2017 06:40

Mind your own business. You know next to nothing about their relationship, and you have no idea how this man is behaving now. For all you know, he could have changed his life and his attitudes about women and commitment. Then you come along and throw old info that may or may not be true in her face. All you "know" is what your ex told you. That doesn't make it true.

Guccibelt · 27/07/2017 06:43

It's a bit late now! She's getting married in three weeks. Why take the shine off everything for her? That would be cruel.

theporcinegrappler · 27/07/2017 06:49

You're between a rock and a hard place here and no mistake!

Hissy · 27/07/2017 07:59

Gucci shine?

What shine?

Now is exactly the time to tell her, before she is married to someone who really has zero respect for her, her health or well being.

Finding out your fiancé is a serial cheat is one thing, finding out your husband is a cheat and everyone's known about it for years is devastating.