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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is friends with an ex

33 replies

Turnstiles87 · 25/07/2017 17:06

Well not exactly an ex but the girl next door who he had a massive crush on growing up.

She is 5 years older so wasn't interested romantically but their families were good friends and so they spent holidays together and they loved each other like family.

She moved to another country following university and they stated in touch via Facebook and social media.

She's now back in the U.K. and they (she and ny boyfriend) have been hanging out.

She texted him whilst my boyfriend was showing me something on his phone. The message said "missing you babe. Let me know when you're around for a chat xxx"

He immediately shut his phone down and I asked him what was going on. He said that they'd been reminiscing over old times and he confessed that he'd fancied her when he was 13. She told him that spending time together recently was the best thing and that she'd fallen in love with him. Then she kissed him Sad

I asked him what happened next and he swore nothing happened and that whilst he loved her as a friend, it was me he fancied and wanted to be with.

I'm really confused. She knows about me so what was she doing?

Boyfriend swears nothing will ever happen between them. And that he isn't encouraging anything other than friendship that has spanned over 20 years.

Should I be worried?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 25/07/2017 17:24

So after all that, he's now blocked her off everything and is having nothing to do with her, yes?

AreWeThereYet000 · 25/07/2017 17:28

Hmm if he shut her down and he wasn't interested, why would she send that text?

Shouldn't her text have been more along the lines of sorry I misread the signals. Hope it doesn't cause problems with xxxx etc not missing you babe

Turnstiles87 · 25/07/2017 17:31

That would be extremely drastic! No, I wouldn't expect him to do anything like that.

I just need him to make sure she is absolutely clear about our relationship and that friendship is all he can offer her.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 25/07/2017 17:31

Should you be worried?

Nah, cos you should dump him.
No worry at all then.

If there's nothing to worry about, then why did he shut his phone down?

Laughing with a long term friend that you once fancied them - in a non flirtatious context, could be OK. If you're sure they don't like you now.

Staying friends with a long term friend who missed a signal and lunged at you, but now regrets it and has no romantic interest - well that might be OK, but it's unlikely she just changed her mind.

But shutting down his phone? Not acceptable at all! That's because he doesn't want you to see the flirtatious chit chat that won't fit with his story that SHE kissed HIM.

Leave them to it.

Turnstiles87 · 25/07/2017 17:31

That post was to adora

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 25/07/2017 17:32

No, drastic behaviour is wanting to stay with a man who is flirting with someone else.

He's lying to you, hiding his phone conversation and getting in his story blaming her first.

Your funeral love.

RestingBitchFaced · 25/07/2017 17:33

Can't believe your not furious about this! He is cheating on you!

Adora10 · 25/07/2017 17:34

What is drastic OP is you believing his crap, so they continue their friendship then after her coming on to him, ok, good luck, you are going to need it!

Ellisandra · 25/07/2017 17:34

Oh and I'd want to see their text messages. I don't even know him or her or you, but I'll bet a tenner now to the charity of your choice that there'll have been some deleted messages Sad

Needsomeflapjacks · 25/07/2017 17:36

Suggest she becomes a mutual friend. . If he is being honest with you it won't be a problem. .

Grooves · 25/07/2017 17:54

Take it from me! It doesn't matter if a girl knows you exist, she will try get exactly what she wants. Some girls are bitches like that.

What do you feel? Is he being dodgy and secretive? Is he honest or always been honest?

timis · 25/07/2017 17:59

So his lifelong fantasy is in love with him and has kissed him.

Are you mad OP? Think about it.

SandyY2K · 25/07/2017 18:02

I'd be gone, because given a chance, he'll have her in bed.

TheNaze73 · 25/07/2017 18:05

What grooves said.

She won't give a flying fuck about your existence

notgivingin789 · 25/07/2017 18:27

Grooves

👏🏽👏🏽 I've never heard anything so true in my life.

Turnstiles87 · 25/07/2017 18:54

Maybe you're right about her Grooves.

However I do think he's being honest when he said once she kissed him he knew there was nothing between them expect for friendship. For him anyway. This all happened before we decided to be exclusive.

OP posts:
Grooves · 25/07/2017 18:56

How long have you been together?

So you were dating? And how long for?

Ellisandra · 25/07/2017 19:01
Hmm

You weren't exclusive.

So why say you don't know what she was doing?

Why agree with Groove that maybe she's a bitch who doesn't care?
(no offence Groove - I agree some people are like that!)

All this woman has done then, is a kiss an old friend that she's been spending time catching up with, who wasn't actually in a relationship - and who had told her that he ahead fancied her when they were younger...

I think you need to turn your attention away from her, and onto him.

And if you had agreed with him that you weren't together yet, then what's your problem?

I still think he has flirted with her, or he wouldn't have been so quick with his phone!

But it's a bit of a drip feed, that this happened when he wasn't your boyfriend.

Turnstiles87 · 25/07/2017 19:01

We've been together 6 months. This happened about 3 months ago and the text was about six weeks ago.

He has assured me that he's been completely clear with her that nothing is going to happen between them and that she accepts that.

They have been friends for nearly 30 years so I wouldn't expect him to drop her as a friend.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 25/07/2017 19:07

Well, he wasn't your boyfriend when it happened. So as I said - not sure why you're questioning her behaviour here.

But there's still the issue that 6 weeks after he became your boyfriend, he was very quick to shut his phone down when talking to her Confused

Grooves · 25/07/2017 19:07

So you've dated 6 months? 3 months in she came back and started hanging with your partner? 6 weeks ago, she sent the message?

In terms of exclusiveness were you able to date other people? Message other people and basically seeing each other with no commitment? I don't mean to pry, it's just background info

Turnstiles87 · 25/07/2017 19:08

Didn't mean to drip feed, I agree I should have put how long we were in a relationship in the OP.

I wasn't agreeing with Grooves btw, just acknowledging that she could be right about her. I don't know her well enough say either way yet.

Also just wanted to say that I NC'd for this thread but am a long time poster which MNHQ would be able to verify. Thanks.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 25/07/2017 19:12

I'd go with flapjacks comment about her becoming a mutual friend.

Lovely that he's catching up with an old friend. When I started seeing my boyfriend, he was really keen to meet my friends, me to meet his - and our friends were keen to find out who this new man / woman was too.

So if you were to go for a drink and be introduced - you reckon they'd both be up for that?

Ellisandra · 25/07/2017 19:14

Can you pinpoint why you're posting now, 6 weeks on?
Obviously it's still on your mind. Has something else happened to bring your wariness back to the surface?

Turnstiles87 · 25/07/2017 19:18

She came back a year ago. I met bf just over six months ago and the kiss happened 3 months in.
I wanted to stop dating other people but he wasn't sure he was ready to commit and so I took a step back although we continued to date. About a month later he told me he wanted to be exclusive. The text happened a few weeks after that.

I suppose the question I'm asking is she's always going to be in his life. Is that something I want to deal with forever? It's early days yet so I'm thinking about it a lot and whether to end it now.

I have strong feelings for him and he is lovely. I guess I need to give it time.

OP posts:
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