He is friends with an ex

[Turnstiles87]

Well not exactly an ex but the girl next door who he had a massive crush on growing up.

She is 5 years older so wasn't interested romantically but their families were good friends and so they spent holidays together and they loved each other like family.

She moved to another country following university and they stated in touch via Facebook and social media.

She's now back in the U.K. and they (she and ny boyfriend) have been hanging out.

She texted him whilst my boyfriend was showing me something on his phone. The message said "missing you babe. Let me know when you're around for a chat xxx"

He immediately shut his phone down and I asked him what was going on. He said that they'd been reminiscing over old times and he confessed that he'd fancied her when he was 13. She told him that spending time together recently was the best thing and that she'd fallen in love with him. Then she kissed him

I asked him what happened next and he swore nothing happened and that whilst he loved her as a friend, it was me he fancied and wanted to be with.

I'm really confused. She knows about me so what was she doing?

Boyfriend swears nothing will ever happen between them. And that he isn't encouraging anything other than friendship that has spanned over 20 years.

Should I be worried?

Boundaries need to be set then.

Should she over step those boundaries and try it on, message inappropriately. you have a leg to stand on with regards to being pissed off! But if she respects you and your relationship, I don't see why he can't be friends with her!

I'd be unimpressed if someone I was dating for 3 months wasn't interested enough in me to want exclusivity before that point. 3 months is quite a long time.

I am possibly out of touch of this declarations of exclusivity thing (though I've done OLD in last 5 years, so I've had the conversation...) But not after 3 months. I like men who are super keen on me - and that needs to show itself way earlier than 3 months.

As to her being in his life... if she's such a good friend and he's serious about you, then isn't she in your life? Do you think he'd make excuses if you wanted to go too, next time they met up?

I'm all for friendships that partners don't have to be a comstant part of - but I don't think there's a good reason for friendships to completely exclude a BF/GF.

My fiancé bikes with 2 women, and regularly meet 2 other women for coffee - and school gate friends. I don't invite myself along - but I've met them all, at wider social events.

And if one of them texted (with babe and xxx) he certainly wouldn't scoot his phone away from me sharpish.

But it needs to be made clear that there isn't going to be anything other than a friendship. She can take it or leave it. In my experience, they don't tend to and will try anything to get what they want (not from doing it myself may I add)

But she could be a descent woman and accept it and just be a friend to your partner, and maybe you.

From what you've said, if I'm right (4months after meeting you became a couple, the kiss being a month before) she was just trying her luck, the text probably being that she misses him. But I could be wrong and she could be super disrespectful!

@ellisandra

Some people are diff in their approach to dating. I was exclusive with my partner more or less straight away, but with other people, it takes time.

This time I really do agree with you Grooves!

We've both been round the block a few times and here we are in a brand new relationship after years of relationships that all have one thing in common which is that they have always ended. It makes you cautious but not so much so that you don't give love a chance.

Yes, people approach dating differently.
I'm all for not putting all your eggs in one basket - at first.
But I also think you shouldn't waste your time with someone who isn't really keen on you.

To me, a man who dithers about not wanting exclusivity after 3 months, is a man who will kiss another woman, and then carry on an inappropriate conversation when he is supposedly exclusive. Obviously that's my assumption that it's inappropriate - but why jump to shut down his phone?

It's all very well to say you're cautious OP - but you liked him enough to be exclusive after about 2 months. He didn't. I don't think it's a good sign that he wasn't prepared to. It's better to date people who grin like an eejit when they realise you're prepared to concentrate on them.

I'm curious about how old you might be ellisandra. You don't have to answer of course. Im just curious because I recognise a lot of what you are saying as my own views before life got complicated! With every passing year things (including my hair) get greyer...

I'm at the hairdresser tomorrow to cover the grey again!
I don't mind you asking... I'm 42.
I vary my age a bit for slight anonymity so you might see me give different ages sometimes
But I am definitely in my 40s!

I dumped my husband 5 years ago, and did two bursts of OLD. My best friend said "don't bother dating a man who isn't outside your door rubbing his cock against it"

OK, so over keen perves aside... my experience (and yes it's anecdote and limited!) when I have dated someone who wasn't really keen from the outset, it hasn't gone anywhere. And if I'm honest with myself, when I have kept it going when I wasn't keen, it was a mistake.

Of course most relationships fail! But when I look back on ones that failed after say, two years - when we were really keen at the start - it tends to have been two years of mostly a great time, no angst - just didn't go anywhere. When there were signs that he wasn't keen early on, by the time it ended - I'd had a few months of feeling on the back foot, a bit shit.

The signs were always there, but I ignored them. Couple of years ago, I was early days (2 months?) with a guy, and his grandmother was in hospital the same week I moved into my new house. They were close, but she wasn't at death's door. After a week of me mentally excusing the lack of a 30 second "hope the move went OK" because of granny, he dumped me. Of course I'd had a horrible week because not so deep down, I knew it was coming.

After that, my friend told me to read He's Just Not That Into You. I actually didn't for 3 months because I knew I'd cringe. I did

I'm not sure how it translates to your situation. I still think it's dodgy as fuck that he didn't want you to see his phone (babe and xxx - well, some huns talk like that )

I guess my test of how keen he is, is if you told him you were feeling unsettled about this friendship - would he be keen enough on you to reassure you? Not empty words, and not cutting her off. I'm reluctant about asking to see messages - though when it had just happened, I would have suggested it. But including you - or at least genuinely listening to you.