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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me leave my OH

39 replies

Icewindfire98 · 24/07/2017 23:58

I've been separated from by OH for a while - maybe 6 months. But we have young kids and he refused to move out when I said I wanted to seperate and I have nowhere to go as I'm a sahm at the moment since I got made redundant on maternity leave.
He's just got more and more nasty - whilst in between nastiness he acts like we are still in a relationship- organising trips out etc. He mistakes my needing help with the children and me needing him - in reality I really really want shot of him but feel so trapped. I don't know how to leave him whilst not causing upheaval for the children.
Tonight I found out he's been recording me shouting at one of the dc (not proud but I was sleep deprived and don't we all have those desperate moments?!) and that he's been regularly recording our arguments. He thinks he can show them to someone to show I regularly loose control and am 'mental'. He's previously told his family I made up a miscarriage (after he didn't even come to the hospital with me), and most recently had accused me of putting our baby on unnecessary medicine - again he's says im screwed up and make me up his illness. I just can't cope - can he use these recordings against me?! I think he's probably been doing it for months now. Would a judge listen to them and grant custody to him? He does have a knack for coming across as calm and reasonable to people - most people would have no clue what he was capable of doing or saying. I have been to the doctors about depression - has he a strong case that I'm not mentally stable enough to raise my kids?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 00:00

Please help.

OP posts:
Holland00 · 25/07/2017 00:09

Thsts an awful situation to be living in.
Are you in rented or owned?
Do you have any support from friends or family?

Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 00:13

Owned. No, I've not been able to tell my family and friends the extent of him. I've been covering for him I guess of sorts thinking that's he's been through the same very stressful last few years as I have and also desperately wanting for him to be the nice person I thought he was and have a nice happy stable marriage.
My parents would take me and the dc in temporarily but they live 100 miles away so not near the children's schools, friends etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 00:14

Would a family court permit video/voice recordings does anyone know? They are so out of context - I'm a good mother 99% of the time and live my life for the kids.

OP posts:
Holland00 · 25/07/2017 00:24

He'd have to have more than that.

My stbxh recorded me in my house (whilst sperated) when he was related for violence, because of the recordings and similar behaviour the police wanted to charge him with stalking.

You need to document his behaviour, get together any evidence, paperwork etc

Most importantly get some legal advice. Talk to your parents, it's not good for you and in turn, not good for your little ones.

Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 00:28

I can't believe I'm in this position

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 00:30

It's horrible to think that at any given moment he might be trying to tape me telling the kids off for throwing food on the floor etc and then use it against me - I can't live like this feeling watched and judged the whole time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 00:31

I don't know why he won't just move out - for the sake of the kids. I agree it's awful for them to be around this atmosphere.

OP posts:
Holland00 · 25/07/2017 00:36

Something needs to change for your sanity if nothing else

Holland00 · 25/07/2017 00:36

Is the house jointly owned?

Whyiseverynameinuse · 25/07/2017 00:49

OP i dont have direct experience of this kind of behaviour but it does sound abusive. Maybe speak to Women's Aid for some guidance on what to do next? I also think you should get legal advice and maybe log his behaviour with the police?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It won't last forever but must be so awful right nowFlowers

Giraffey1 · 25/07/2017 00:55

If it's school hols now for your DC it might be a good idea to go to your mum for a while, give you a chance to get some headspace? Also, tell your mum, your family, your friends. They might not be as surprised as you think and they will want to support you,

Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 00:58

Thank you. I just can't believe he's been recording me! He's swinging between trying to cuddle me on the sofa one minute and logging what I'm saying to him and the kids the next!
I'm definitely going to make a solicitors appointment tomorrow.
Yes house is jointly owned - and our bank accounts are joint too but we each have a seperate isa.
He seems to be hell bent on making me out to be mental - when actually it's been him pushing me to the edge. He told me I was lazy when I puking with morning sickness. Said I'd been fired from every job I'd ever had (simply not true). Keeps saying to me 'oh just take your pills' every time I get annoyed with him for not doing his share of chores (I was prescribed antidepressants but don't want to take them as I actually feel ok).

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewindfire98 · 25/07/2017 01:03

He told me tonight I have to apply for the dole - that's why we started arguing this evening. He earns a packet and I used to before my redundancy. I'm looking for a role but my youngest is still a baby so I'm not in any rush to go back. Applying for the dole would be humiliating and ridiculous- he's earning loads and we have savings.

OP posts:
Aperolspritzer123 · 25/07/2017 06:51

Yeah it's just a tactic. My ex did similar - funnily enough it was after I had said he was abusive (which he was). He couldn't stand me to call him out on it and couldn't face the truth about himself so he started a campaign to make ME abuser. He used to try and record me, he accused me of giving the dc medication when they didn't need it (I have never given them anything they didn't need - the usual dose of calpol when necessary - I actually don't know where he got that one from). He accused me of taking them to the doctors when they didn't need to go (I have hardly ever taken them to the docs), he accused me of being addicted to slimming pills! Never taken a slimming pill in my life. He started trying to turn the kids against me, especially my 10 yo - he'd tell him that I'd said something awful about something he'd made at school or when my ds asked me a question and I happened to be on my phone And I didn't answer him immediately he'd say 'oh look at mum, not listening to you again!' Things like that which were actually really weird and scary.
I called women's aid - do it. You need to start protecting yourself here OP. Go to your GP and tell them about the abuse and they will help you but also it will be recorded. This will get worse believe me - you need to get away from him. Good luck

jeaux90 · 25/07/2017 07:59

Can you organise child care and get back to work? Do you have family you can go live with? You need to get legal advice and also call women's aid. He is being abusive and you do need to finish it my love. I am 7 years on leaving mine and I don't regret it. Ever.

Enough101 · 25/07/2017 08:03

Hi Op

Just ignore him. My ex took things one step further and recorded my kids making allegations. The courts take a very dim view of this, believe me I know from experience. The best thing you can do is not engage with him, keep your cool and focus on getting yourself organised to leave as soon as possible good luck.

PumpkinSpiceEverything · 25/07/2017 08:06

Sounds like he has BPD. We dealt with this in my own family; complete lunatic who used mind games and sneaky tricks to convince people she was the "victim" and pass of lies as truth.

First thing I would do is try to get back on your feet with a job. I know that sucks but you've got to be able to make yourself financially independent so that you dont need your partner for ANYTHING. Only then can you get away. Maybe worth asking family for help?

TheNaze73 · 25/07/2017 08:11

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I think turning to family (If avaliable) would be a good short term call

AdalindSchade · 25/07/2017 08:11

Are you married? Sorry if I missed that.

What he's doing is domestic abuse. So you NEED to get some support and specialist advice. You need this because he's a sneaky, abusive bastard but also because it's evidence when it comes to divorce and child contact. Google domestic violence services in your area and phone them up. Go to your GP and cry on their shoulder about his emotional terrorism. If he does ANYTHING physically threatening then call the police. Gather your evidence.
Then get legal advice.
If you haven't been working for the last 2 years then you won't get JSA but actually it might not be a bad idea to apply for it, if you worked before maternity leave you should get it and it will evidence his unwillingness to e reasonable and support his children. I've had to do it twice and it's a PITA but not that bad.

AgathaF · 25/07/2017 08:25

He sounds like the typical, controlling abuser that we so frequently, sadly, read about on here.

Get yourself some professional advice. Speak to Women's Aid and speak to a solicitor. This situation has the potential to rumble on and on, destroying you more and more over time.

Memom · 25/07/2017 08:26

I think the "you're mental" method is used a lot sadly. My ex used it and so did his mother. If you have a baby then presumably you have contact with health visitor etc, they will have logged any mental health concerns. If you have a decent GP or health visitor it may be worth logging this with them.

He is trying to knock your confidence so you just say yes to whatever he wants. He is a bully!

Please seek real legal advice, knowledge is power!

nachogazpacho · 25/07/2017 08:41

No legal advice but my abusive ex recorded me ranting at him after putting up with his shit for years. He used it as a tactic because he thought I'd tell about what he'd been doing. He was also trying to convince me I was mad.

He never used it. Because he knew that if he did they'd hear how nasty he was too from what I was saying.

How involved with the dc is he? If he's not that interested then I would say this is a tactic to get you to stay rather than a real threat to get the dc. If he's recorded you often and actually did try and use it as evidence he's actually showing how controlling he is and you can counter argue that life with him was intolerable as he's controlling and abusive and the recordings are part of that systematic abuse.

Get some advice from various places eg women's aid, a solicitor and citizens advice bureau. You have to treat this as an abusive tactic to control you, because that is what it is

nachogazpacho · 25/07/2017 08:46

Also, is school holiday time so good time to spend 6 weeks with your parents getting lots of advice and support. Before you go, find out about the house. If he doesn't have another woman he'll not want to leave it so you will probably have to split assets.

You also need access to your savings and bank account without him preventing you. Might be worth speaking to the bank and getting your own account set up and moving half of whatever is yours if you're not married over.

nachogazpacho · 25/07/2017 08:46

Hide documents away too if you can