I'm such a coward

[Peakyblinders]

I don't love him. I tolerate him.
I cringe when he rants and shouts. He's angry and paranoid at the world.
I disagree with everything he says.
We bicker everyday.
I'm so sad.
I go to bed alone everynight. He sleeps downstairs. I don't want him to come near me.
We've been together since our late teens now 40s.
I DREAM about him leaving. He told me to grow some balls and tell him it's over but I don't.
Why??? What's wrong with me. I'm financially secure. I earn he doesn't!
What is wrong with me

Habit that's all.

Why is he waiting for you to give him his marching orders? Doesn't he have a mind of his own?

That's what I said. Why would you stay if you thought someone hated you. Which he has told me I do.

Habit. How do I break it? He's my only relationship my whole life.
I want to feel something again!!!

Do you rent or own? Would you be ok financially were you to leave?

I rent my home. We have dc. He couldn't afford to live here. He would leave .

Change is really really hard, especially if you're stepping out of a relationship that has shaped and defined you for so long. You're not a coward, you're human.

Once you've made the first step though you'll feel so much lighter, and you won't want to go back to the darkness you're in now.

I wish you all the best and hope that in a few months this will already seem like a bad memory.

It is hard but I think you know it would be the best decision for you to tell him to leave

Think it through, in lots of detail. What will you say when you tell him to leave? How will he react? Are you frightened of what he'll do? How can you do it in a way that feels safe? How will you celebrate your freedom once he's gone?

Imagining it will help you believe you can do it. It might also help you understand what you're scared of so you can problem-solve. You have had the strength to live with this all these years: you definitely have the strength to end it

I imagine it everyday though. What I'd do. I'd take my kids abroad at last. Have the radio on in the morning. Watch trash t.v. with the kid's.
Redecorate! Finally decorate the bare walls in my littlests room!!
Go out with my friends. Accept social after work invitations.

I'm stuck. Paralysed. Keep thinking what if I regret it.
But knowing I wouldn't!!:
That's what stops me. I'm not brave enough to believe it's the right thing.
I read a quote by Einstein. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
That's me.

I've posted asking for help in 2010 2013 and last year and now again.
Ridiculous

OK here's what you do.

Go into him NOW and say, "You're right, I've been a coward. It's time for us to finish. Both of us will be happier apart."

Go on. Do it now.

Ok so far this is sounding like a no-brainer. What do you need to do to get to that point? If you tell him to go do you think he will? Or will he make trouble?

Cross-post. Do it. If you are happier apart it's a win. If you really miss each other it's a win because it will motivate you to sort your relationship out. Do it now and then book that holiday!

There will never be a "right time" in this situation. Just go in now and tell him it's over. You know it's the right thing to do so if you won't do it for yourself, do it for your beautiful children who deserve so much more..

You know you won't regret it. The minute he's gone you'll feel relief.

You've been wanting to do this for at least 7 years. A child's lifetime!

I was so paralysed I needed the advice of my local domestic abuse hotline; they were amazing. They also told me to call police non emergency number to inform them I'd be asking him to leave. The police were amazing too.

My life, and my children's lives have improved massively. I cannot even begin to express.

You are a very strong person. You can do this. And there is help for you when you're ready xx

Write it down if need be, give him the letter, wait it out. Choose life.

I was exactly the same. Married for 17 years. Just sharing a house and kids really. Not sleeping together. Everything he did made me cringe. The thought of him touching me made me shudder. We had no intimacy for years before I plucked up the courage to tell him it was over and I moved out 6 months ago after a year of living hell in the same house since I told him it was over. It was the scariest thing I've ever done. Difficult doesn't come close. But since I moved out I'm happy. Completely at peace and happy. You can't put that off. It's tempting to put stuff like this off forever and eventually you're life's over and it's too late. Do it now. Don't waste time.

I work in drug treatment and one of the things we learn about recovery from addiction is that people make difficult changes when staying as you are is even harder and no longer an option. I got to that point and it sounds like you are too.

Good luck. It's tough, scary, challenging and it's also exciting. This is about starting a new life and maybe making it like what you wanted all along.

He wouldn't leave quietly.
He would say horrid things to the kid's about mummy not loving him and he would EMPTY my house.
I don't care about the stuff. I do care about the kids.

Thank you. I'm going to keep reading your words

You need something to happen to make you feel justified in ending it. I've been there, remember thinking "just hit me" when in a row / being shouted at with an ex so I felt like I had a reason to leave. The thing is though, being unhappy more than you are happy is a reason, it is a fucking good reason. When his presence makes you unhappy then that is a massive reason and as justified as any other. You won't regret it, even if you were alone for the rest of your life (worst case - unlikely), how would that be worse than what you are living with now? YOU CAN DO IT!

Mine has been vicious. Which was unexpected as he was always a very reasonable man. I left with nothing except my clothes. When I moved into my house I slept on a donated mattress on the bedroom floor and my parents garden furniture so I had something to sit on. People will help. Friends come out of the woodwork for stuff like this. I've been blessed. But regardless of how horrible he is you won't have to live with it and that makes it so much easier to deal with. Knowing you have a sanctuary of your own to go to.

The first night in my house with my duvet on the floor I drank wine out of the bottle and cooked a pizza I had to eat whole because i didn't have a knife to cut it with and I can't remember the last time I felt so happy.

Yes it's hard on the kids but do you want them to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship? Or do you want to teach them that it's ok to change things that make you unhappy?

How old are they? Mine are 12 and 7.

If he empties the house it will do wonders for your redecoration process

how old are the kids? Of course it will not be easy for them. But once the dust settles they'll be living in a happy house with a relaxed mum and nice bedrooms and trashy tv and holidays abroad. It will be so very much better for them. Really.

Do you have relations or friends who can come and stay for a few days whilst this is sorted out, some moral support (preferably with muscles!)? Send the kids elsewhere for a couple of days?

Then rent him a bedsit somewhere for a week, pack his stuff and change the locks before you have the conversation with him. You could tell everyone in your lives including his family so they can support him in the immediate aftermath and help him get to grips with reality. Stop thinking of this as a negotiation - that comes later once you have your space safe.

I know this is heavy handed but you have made your decision you are just scared of his accepting your decision so bypass your involvement in that as much as you can. Don't give him the option of venting his rage at you or manipulating you further, don't give him the idea that your decision can be undone.

First of all, it takes tremendous strength to keep going in the way you have, in the face of his shittiness.
But now it's time to take some of that strength and put it to good use. You deserve so much more - to live a happy life, to feel like you are a worthwhile person....
Dig down and find some anger - it's a good tool at a time like this. Be angry that he doesn't really care about you any more, and that he's only staying because it's easier to.
Tell him to go - that you don't want him there anymore.
Yes, he may well kick off - so be prepared to get family, friends, or the police if necessary to help. Remember he's only showing his true colours.
It's time to break free.

You are me 6 months ago. I realised that my cowardice was hurting my children and even though I thought I was a good mum, I wasn't, not really. Being a good mother is being brave, showing your children that people don't get to behave like a cunt and get to share the air that they breathe.
One day I realised that I was failing them - I had always felt like splitting up would be failing them but that's not true. All I ever wanted for them was to live a peaceful, safe and happy life and I wasn't giving that to them because I always made excuses about why it was best to stay and try and make the best of it.
I reported him to the police and they were amazing. He left that day.
If I can do it, so can you. My dad is ill with dementia and it made me realise how short it all really is, what would I want to feel like when I was on my death bed (morbid I know but still). I would regret wasting mine and my children's lives - at least if it had all gone wrong I could have looked them in the eyes and they'd know that I tried my best - even if we ended up destitute - who cares? we didn't anyway just like you won't but the point is you get one shot at this - one day your kids will be grown up and all their relationships will be affected by YOUR choices. It will make them who they are. I feel bad that I didn't leave until my son was 10 but I still think he has learnt that his mum is a woman who accepts nothing less than respect and happiness and that he deserves that too. My 4 yo daughter will be far less likely to make the same mistakes I did - and I will be drumming that into her every day of her life.

Be brave. You can do it. If not for you but because they deserve it.

Are you married?

Sounds like the actual break up not the being broken up is the real hurdle for you. So, what can you do to ease that?

Me, I'd be secretly organising a new place to live with the children. I wouldn't ask him to leave. I would hire movers and move everything out myself to my new place. Then after that I'd tell him that we have moved out.

Of course all that depends on mortgage/rental agreement etc. but surely there is a way to get over that hurdle faster if you put your mind to it.