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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm such a coward

38 replies

Peakyblinders · 24/07/2017 21:14

I don't love him. I tolerate him.
I cringe when he rants and shouts. He's angry and paranoid at the world.
I disagree with everything he says.
We bicker everyday.
I'm so sad.
I go to bed alone everynight. He sleeps downstairs. I don't want him to come near me.
We've been together since our late teens now 40s.
I DREAM about him leaving. He told me to grow some balls and tell him it's over but I don't.
Why??? What's wrong with me. I'm financially secure. I earn he doesn't!
What is wrong with me Sad

OP posts:
WhatWouldGenghisDo · 24/07/2017 23:04

Living in a state of chronic stress is paralysing. It's exhausting and anxiety-provoking and we learn to avoid taking risks because they're not worth it and to avoid doing anything that uses too much energy because we need it all just to keep going. That's why it's so hard to change anything. But take this one risk and you will be free from the stress, the paralysis and the drain on your energy in one fell swoop.

mortificado · 24/07/2017 23:05

The first night in my house with my duvet on the floor I drank wine out of the bottle and cooked a pizza I had to eat whole because i didn't have a knife to cut it with and I can't remember the last time I felt so happy.

*
That was me 4 years ago.*
It was the only night I felt 'free'
Yes, apart of me was sad & lonely until the wine kicked in but it got better, much better.and reading that and remembering that night, I could quite easily go back and enjoy it right now! (Because looking back it was fucking bliss)
Do the same OP. You deserve much, much better Wine

mortificado · 24/07/2017 23:06

Argh. The bold text went wrong! But what rokchic said

Peakyblinders · 24/07/2017 23:49

Thank you so much. Thank you

I'm going to keep reading.
Kid's are 5 to 15. I'm blessed with the eldest one.
She knows. She sees.
Thank you all.
The comment about being paralysed because of stress and therefore reluctant to make any change really resonates with me.
My boss and friend leaves work after 20 year's soon. She's having a huge leaving event. I want to go. I haven't been out with work in over 10 year's.

He makes it difficult and the paranoia and accusations come out. So it's easier to do nothing. So I don't. But i really want to go this time.

OP posts:
RokChik · 24/07/2017 23:51

Cheesy message but so true. Remember this.

I'm such a coward
Peakyblinders · 24/07/2017 23:52

Sad thank you.
I'm going to make that my screensaver

OP posts:
midlifenicethis · 24/07/2017 23:55

Please buy and read 'Feel the fear and do it anyway'

I know it's an oldie but I only got half way through before I decided to leave my miserable marriage. Not regrets. Life is different now, harder in some ways (mostly financial) but definitely better .

Fear of it being worse keeps us paralysed, but the truth is it's normally a whole lot better.

Good luck!

RoseOfSharyn · 25/07/2017 00:00

He won't leave and wants you to 'kick him out' so he can play the victim.

Tough shit.
Tell him to fuck off and cry to who he likes! My exh did this.

You'll feel so much better without him. I promise.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 25/07/2017 09:21

Right - you've got a deadline. Get him out before your boss's leaving do so you can go and honour your friendship without him sabotaging it Wine

It sounds as though you have good friends in RL. Can you recruit them to support you to do this?

newfatherr · 25/07/2017 09:25

what a sad story :(

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/07/2017 09:38

My heart is aching for you, and for your beautiful children who may not know the details, but who will be very aware of the dreadful atmosphere and unhappiness in the house.

I can understand your being paralysed - over the years you have got into a mindset that this is all that life has for yo, and horrible as it is, it is familiarandyou know where you are with it. Stepping into the unknown - eve when that unknown promises so much more - is terrifying and very difficult.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children. Don't let them grow up thinking that this is what a relationship is like. Don't teach your sons to be abusive and your daughters to accept it. They, and you, are worth so much more.

If you fear him emptying the house, have the locks changed (explain to the landlord - s/he may do it for you if you reimburse them, then your partner has no comeback on you. MAKE SURE HE DOES NOT GET HOLD OF A KEY. (Explain that you are the one who pays the rent, and if you move out he won't be able to and will have to be forcibly evicted. LLs don't like having to go down that route s it is expensive and time-consuming).

And if he does empty the house (where would he go with the stuff - he has nowhere to store it?) then let him! Look on Freecycle, ask friends (you would be amazed at what people throw out that is in very good condition), go to charity shops - heck, I'll bet that there are MNers in your area who would come up with the goods to fill a house from eaves to foundations if they got the chance.

Are you both the lease (that would complicate things a bit)? Have a word with the Citizens' Advice.

He is emotionally abusive, to you and your children (even he doesn't bully them, they are affected by the way he treats you, and he s manipulative towards them.)

Please get out now - you are still young, you still have your health - but won't for logic you allow this to continue.

I'm holding you in my heart.

pudding21 · 25/07/2017 10:07

Peakyblinders (from one Thomas Shelby fan to another): I was you, in a 21 year relationship with my first love (17 when we got together and have 2 kids). I was unhappy for quite a long time, he was emotionally abusive and it got physical last summer. It took me a lot of strength to leave. Why? Because our lives are so intertwined and I love/ loved him. It wasn't always bad, we achieved a lot together. But in the end I felt nothing I did was good enough, the kids were hearing him shouting and being aggressive to me on a daily basis. We couldn't even leave the house without him raging.

I made my decision over 18 months ago (was unhappy for atleast 3 years), I finally executed my plan 5 1/2 months ago. I left the family home as I knew he wouldn't leave. When I finally told him, his words were "I won't make this easy for you you know". And he didn't at first, the first few months were hell but the very first night in my own space with the kids I knew it was the right decision. Things are getting a bit easier now, but I can tell you I am much happier and the kids are blooming. They still spend time with him, every Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend. We are managing to be civil with each other and do a few things together now (parents evening, birthdays etc)

Its been really hard, it will be for you, but honestly, ask yourself, do you want to live like this forever.

Its not a failure, you have been together a long time, but its time for you to be happy. You might not feel it at first, but you will.

Work through all your fears, write them down and challenge them one by one. Good luck OP.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 25/07/2017 11:40

Is he on the tenancy? If not, first step is to tell the landlord and get the locks changed. You also need to tell the dc not to let him in, hard bit, that.

Picture yourself in ten years: do you want this life for you and your DC? Do you want them to replicate his awful behaviour? You will survive without him. You will be happier without him. Your DC will be happier without him screaming at you. Be calm when you tell him, be firm, insistent, don't let his ranting scare you into backing down. Picture yourself enjoying decorating and watching crap TV, simple things that you can't do now.

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