Convinced that loosing weight would make me happier in relationship . Anyone felt this too?

[Summertimeandthelivingiseasy3]

So I have one dc. He has 2 dcs. Me and bf meet 3-4 times a week, sometimes on Kiddy outings or sometimes on our own. We've been together 7 months. He's not v social apart from odd pint with males mates and I am very social so he's ended up meeting far more friends than I've met of his ( only 1 in passing). In addition I've spoken to his sibling online but never met his family. We've two short holidays booked in next few months and he tells me he loves me / we have a lovely time together. I had an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex partner and I feel it's left me v v insecure . I put on a Marvelous front with friends but have been quite needy at times with new bf. Anyway I'm 17.13 stone at 5'7. So very overweight. I dress well/ exercise and have no health problems but realise I will have soon if I don't control eating. I suppose my point is that has anyone felt miles better in their relationship when they've lost weight ?! I feel a great deal of
My insecurity is wrapped
Up in m weight. I need to sort
It out! I'm ranting

Yeah. It didn't work and he ran off with someone much fatter.

Yes I feel much happier slimmer

Acapellagirl- did you become less insecure ( if you where ) or less in need of reassurance ( if you where ?). Notford- I'm
Sorry to hear this xxxx

I used to be 16.5st (size 24 at 5'3"). I was convinced that life would be easier and more fun if I were smaller. I'm now 10st and a size 10-12.

Life is exactly the same but with a smaller number on your clothes and more stamina for walking. It won't make you feel better, worry-wise. It's not the weight that's the problem. It's your self esteem.

I'd recommend a good counsellor and treating yourself to whatever you enjoy, whether that be new clothes, a day out, a manicure, whatever. Be kind to yourself. Believe that your partner loves you. Not everyone is an epic shit (but there are a few, as you well know).

I lost a lot of weight and still thought I was fat, still felt insecure about how I looked you need to work on your self esteem.
Losing weight and exercise will help but it's not a cure all.

Thank you , you're right. Many times I've wanted to go
To counselling but can't afford it privately and wouldn't know what to say to my gp to get it on nhs. It's interesting that everyone hasn't felt that instant boost of self esteem even after weight loss

I lost nearly five stone a couple of years ago, it has definitely transformed my life and improved my confidence.

Friendly snake - how so ?

I have noticed that my boyfriend has been a little more confident in losing weight. He was 250 lb at 6ft, he's now 220lb. However what I think really helped was he worked on his thoughts re diet and weight loss. He has the legacy of being a fat kid so lots of shame and pain to carry around :( anyway a couple of things worked for him, one was a book called the beck diet solution which applies cbt to diet approaches. The second was we followed a plan together called always hungry. I do think his shift in thinking has been so helpful. It took us years to find out what worked though. My role in it played a part too.

I didn't want to go out, do things, exercise. For me it was a circle of unhappiness, eating because I was fat, then getting fatter.

I've lost up to 6.5 stone a few times. I never did it thinking it would improve my relationship as that's always been good.

What it has done each time is to give me back control of myself and a sense of achievement. It's made me feel better about me but in all honesty not affected my relationship at all apart from the first time when he thought I'd find someone else. Have to admit, I went in for the kill on that one to put him straight! That's about it really.

Thanks everyone . My current bf has told me he's only comfortable talking bout moving in after we've been together a year whereas I'd move in assp tbh. Therefore I'm focusing my efforts on weight loss before this ever looming chat

Joys - thank you , v insightful . Sounds like you have a lovely partner

I always feel happier generally if I am at or near my ideal weight. It might sound trite, but if you are not happy with your weight, then you are not happy with yourself and then it is much harder to be happy generally.
Previous posters are also right of course, about self esteem and knowing that you are a worthwhile person even when overweight, but s two pronged approach is the way forward here- work on weight loss and self esteem building at the same time.

Have a look on the BACP "find a counsellor" page and look for someone in your area who deals with low self esteem and with body confidence.

Speak to them, explain your budget is tight, and ask what they suggest. What about if you went once a month? So if their fee was £40 per session, that would be £10 a week. Could you find that?

Think of this as investment in yourself and your future.

I am now a healthy size 16, I go to the gym regularly, I can physically do pretty much anything I want to. I am single but have many casual partners and they all appreciate my curves. There are many men out there who genuinely prefer women who the mass media would consider fat.

Oh last piece of advice - stop consuming mass media. Stop reading magazines and crappy newspaper celebrity columns. Stop watching TV. Re-calibrate yourself. Follow plus size positive people on Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest etc.

Thank you for counselling tips - I'll look into it . Are regarding mass media - you're so right! I'm size 20ish atm
N want to be size 14-16 . Long journey down. Physically and mentally X

I second NotTheFordType about beauty magazines and beauty media. It's focussed on telling people that they have flaws, not that they're fine as they are. There's no market in that.

I think the lyrics of Baz Luhrmann's song "Everyone's Free (To wear Sunscreen)" put it best. See attached pic of quote.

www.metrolyrics.com/everybodys-free-to-wear-sunscreen-lyrics-baz-luhrmann.html

I guess the reason I've never thought I'd be happier at goal is because I knew I'd yoyo a few times at least.

One thing that makes me want to be slimmer is my hobby. It's the only thing affected by my weight and size.

Other than that it really is a matter of control for me, I hate being out of control and weight gain and loss represents control.

I'd even looked into surgery but that's not viable got me and would only be a sticky plaster, what I actually need is to be better. I never regain as much each time I regain and it takes me longer to regain, but it's so bloody frustrating. I don't binge eat now and haven't in years since my counselling for my triggers. It's amazing to know I've countered that but need to sort out the rest of it.

Now I will look to specific weight related counselling to try to be as controlled as I can be long term. It's getting harder to lose as I get older and getting harder to carry the extra weight when I do gain. I fear for my future, not for my relationship.

I do love that song . I think with a mixture of healthy eating n counselling things should
Improve .
I don't wanna tell bf about my feelings as I've already been very intense about our future together, asking him if
He sees himself marrying me
/ living with me
After just 6 months. This need for reassurance is rooted
In something more. I literally
Wait for him to text me
Each day before
I can be calm. It's silly , it's not even like he's playing games
Or anything

1. Losing weight would make me feel more confident sexually in my current relationship, although my husband never ever makes me feel like my weight is a problem.

1. Losing weight in a previous relationship where I was 'too big' at a size 12 ended up in him dumping me.

1. You've only been together 7 months and you want to move in with him? And you both have kids? You need to slow down.

It actually made mine worse, but my DH is extremely insecure about his weight

Trust him.

But more importantly, trust that you are a worthwhile, valid and loveable human being, just as you are. Fat is only insulation, and it makes little difference to the actual soul and character of the person. It just keeps you warm. It's like worrying that someone else doesn't see a future with you because you wear a jumper. Anyone put off by a jumper is a dick. It sounds like your chap likes you. You need to like you too

I know I need to slow down and I know I need to accept myself . If after weight loss I'm still feeling this way then I need to go to GP about my mental health. He's a lovely guy who's normal / calm / polite / lovable etc - everything that abusive ex wasn't so
I'm desperate to keep hold of him but I fear I'll push him away with my neediness

Honestly, and I mean this kindly, it sounds like your previous relationship has made you absolutely desperate for 'normal', for someone who is nice to you.

There's nothing wrong with that, but it is so early on to be even thinking these things, especially as you have kids. If he loves you now, in the loved-up period, then losing weight while good for your health probably won't make a blind bit of difference to his thinking.

I really think you need to be thinking very carefully about this and slowing right down. Learn to love yourself and work on your own self esteem before flinging yourself and your kids into a relationship.

Tazer - you're right and I can see this is front of me yet I can't seem to rationalise it when I think of me and him. We take
Kids out together to park / bowling etc for a few hours every other Sunday but yes moving in with dcs is huge n not anything I've done before