DH drinking

[LovelyBath77]

Its just at weekends but starting to really get to me- drinking at the weekend then grumpy and down in the week. Has anyone else got this too? It's worse when work is stressy. Really starting to annoy me now.

That's a bit vague.

Are we talking one bottle of beer on a Friday night or 3 bottles of wine Friday, Saturday and Sunday?

i've got similar. comes alive after a drink. barely speaks through the week.

drinking quite often starts 4.00pm friday, finishes around midnight then starts a similar time saturday. it's shit and coping with their hangovers is the same.

Yep, sounds similar to Ginger, mainly Friday Sat and Sunday here. Starts all hyper and excited, then descends into gloom Sundays. the gloomy through the week. I mean I know work is not great at the mo (lots of pressure to finish a project and we are off on school hols now, making it worse). Every year he does the same, tells me will be finished and off for first part of school hols but then isn't, so it;s difficult to plan anything. and we end up waiting. I know, self employment is stressful. Anyway, I think I'm going to cut our booze myself, completely, as end up drinking too to get through it! (not as much though just a glass or two) maybe that will influence him a bit. This weekend I was going to the shop and he had already drank a bottle of red wine, and asked me to get more. I knew this was coming so I told him, no I'm not going to enable his drinking. He huffed a bit but got over it. He's always been a bit like this, yet tells me it is since he met me he started drinking more! I laughed at that, said he can't blame me for it! He has also always been a bit of a workaholic too. Argh. We will be going on holiday soon and kind of dreading the idea of him being off work and drinking. Which means mainly I am left to deal with all the responsibility for the children. As usual. Anyway just a wee rant. If anyone has tips for dealing to share that would be great. I know his behaviour is up to him, but finding the ups and downs quite stressful. he can also 'go on' when drunk, asking me for reassurance that I still love him, that kind of thing, or get cross and rant on about small things (usually things he thinks I haven't done and this sort if means I 'don't care' , like for example I haven't looked into planning the holiday in depth and I could have looked into going to somewhere really unusual. Putting pressure on me. I almost feel I don;t really want to go on holiday at all- or get too involved in the planning as if it goes tits up that will be my fault. (I don't take on any of the blaming, just ignore it). I know some of this sounds quite dysfunctional, I have quite dysfunctional parents and see things in his parents similar...I think he may have picked up traits from his, controlling father although says he will never be like his father is to his mother. If those things become normalised, though, I think that is difficult. Oh, I'm not sure. He can be much more relaxed when things are going smoothly and the work situation is better.

I meant cut out booze myself, not cut our booze!

Oh love, I could have written this myself 3 years ago.

Give up drinking for yourself. It might influence him, but you can't hope for that, it's down to him.

In your situation I decided I wasn't waiting around for him to finally finish work, and I didn't want to go on holiday with someone who was going to get drunk every night and leave all the kids stuff and planning to me, so me and the kids did a few short trips without him and it was glorious

Do you love him?

So he binge drinks during at the weekend due to work stresses. But then he still drinks heavily when on holiday (and away from work stress) to the extent that he can't take on his equal share of the parenting. So the work stress is a convenient excuse.

Yes, we do go out on wee trips and don't wait around at home, I'm starting to enjoy these as the children get older. I do just get on with it, not going to let him being jealous influence us too much. Today we have a friend over for my eldest, tomorrow is meant to be wet so my youngest is going to a summer church group then his friend round, we will do picnics out and swimming at the end of the week. Maybe a trip on the train to the seaside. He also has a chronic illness on top of the work stress- I know, not an excuse really and in fact more of a reason to stop drinking.

I do love him, we have been together 18 years and both been through quite a lot together. He often can't be told to do something but if he sees it himself can be quite determined so hoping it might get a bit better.

They always have an excuse. Make promises to change. Cause shit when drunk and say that will be the last time.

Its a concerning chain of events tbh. Weve just got back from a 1 week holiday. drank every day. some days from 1 / 2.00pm. He thinks it's normal.

My drinking has got worse since getting with him to the point that i recently became a bit concerned about myself. I too usually drink to make it easier although i do enjoy having a drink i am on edge more often than not if he is drinking too which probably makes me drink more.

i don't really have any tips, have you talked to him about it? maybe put a routine into place where one night of drinking is removed?

ive tried that and failed though.

Just having a thought about boundaries. You can't control what others do but you can control how you react to it, right? So I can stop drinking myself, also things like not respond if he asks me for more at the shop, or starts his rants. I could simply say things like I'll talk with you wen you are calmer / not drinking. I mean i already do this kind of thing. It may be more difficult when away from home, though in a smaller space with less space to retreat to. I also don't want any arguments to upset the children.

My drinking has got worse since getting with him to the point that i recently became a bit concerned about myself. I too usually drink to make it easier although i do enjoy having a drink i am on edge more often than not if he is drinking too which probably makes me drink more

Ginger, yes, that sounds exactly like me! I need to be careful as well as on some meds which are not meant to drink with. Can male you feel really grotty. the next day. I have tried having just one glass of red but doesn't seem to work, as go on to more to deal with the stress of it! I think cutting it out totally will be the only thing to do.

Mine doesn't drink in the week thankfully, is that the same with you? Yes I agree could start with hem cutting down one night, but wouldn;t work here if I suggested it, I don't think. i'm not even sure that me cutting won will help as will mean more wine in the bottle for him.. was thinking for two of us to share a bottle is fine, couple of glasses each, but it will lead to more.

This summer, mine has got into the new gin craze with unusual types, as well. I can see the box of wine being taken on camping trip with us. He is a good man as well, very kind of loyal and actually very hands on with the children and cooking on holiday, definitely does more than his share, so feel a bit guilty saying all this. I worry for his health, though both physical and mental. It is a bit like living with someone with bipolar combined with the physical condition which in itself requires management.

Oh, just to add mine has recently got very stressed about ageing and feeling the pressure of 'making it' before he gets too old. He is nearly 50. I think this is adding itself to the mix too.

I'm thinking of leaving my h because of this problem. Drinks most days, I feel like the atmosphere is awful and when he's not drinking it's like a heavy black cloud over us all.
I just don't know how I'll manage on my own with working full time and kids... He does most of the childcare during holidays, but he's too hungover/lazy to bother doing anything with them

yes my dp cant drink through the week fortunately because of his job however he is term time so off for a while now so it may escalate.

Tbh it seems the only way he can enjoy himself. He doesnt like the cinema, bowling, anything like that. Going out for a meal is literally eat food then home again so that is how he finds pleasure.

I do suggest doing things like movie night or going for a meal somewhere we have to drive to try and limit it but it never happens.

i get tetchy saturday mornings as he rushes me around and i know by 2 oclock drinking or going to the pub will be getting broached.

In a way i think often it's harmless but i worry about why he depends on it so much and why he doesnt know how to have fun without it. it costs a lot too. some weeks we have spent 150ish drinking all weekend. all whilst needing things for the house like carpet bet etc. it just feels so wasteful.

if i didnt join him he would do it anyway. i was pregnant at the beginning of yhe year and his binges made it a living nightmare. i was almost relieved when i had a mc at 14 weeks that i didnt have to spend anymore time pregnant and panicking.

Sorry to hear about your loss ginger I do understand what you mean, I can;t have more children and in a way it is a relief as the baby days were hard, I remember we'd do a lot of picnics in the park, he'd usually be drinking then, too and i know what you mean about they seem to find it the way to happiness, which is a worry. I also get the feeling of being a killjoy / bore if not joining in, at times. Mine also seems to get 'bored' and turn to drink if nothing else going on, like they can't just 'be' but need to be either working, or having fun / drinking. It must be exhausting to live like that. I'm into mindfulness and thought of suggesting something like Headspace, but he's not really interested. He does go running though, some weekend mornings, but again in a kind of driven way, I asked him if he had enjoyed his run, and don't now as was told it's not for enjoyment.

Anyway, we also have a thing where I don;t drive, so if we're going places involving driving this can be helpful with the drinking. However it often ends up in him being cross that I can't drive so he can drink, especially with social situations which he seems to find really hard without drink- it's almost a way of overcoming shyness even with relatives, I think. Sp difficult. I want to say, you are fine as you are, not boring or whatever, more fun without the booze..

Self sorry to hear about yours as well, it must be difficult every day. Is the work suffering from that too? Practically, you may find you qualify for some help with childcare if he wasn't there, not sure. Kind thoughts to everyone going through this.

Yes mine would continue without me too, but think it might help me from going along the same lines, especially with he meds issue.

It can be lonely can't it, as well, feels like they aren't really there, sometimes.

Mine is thinking of having a whole month off

Stress is a problem now in society. So many people are being treated for depression and anxiety nowadays it's frightening. If you could perhaps find a solution to this, then the need for the alcohol could diminish. Men are shit at dealing with anything like this though so often hit the bottle first. I was one of them but hardly drink at all now after finding a solution to the stress in my life.

It must be really hard with children as most things they enjoy wont revolve around alcohol friendly places.

have you spoken to your dp about it? does he consider it a problem or normal?

it seems to be a a bit of a thing im our area tbh. i know of lots of people his age much worse than him and he has been much worse himself so probably thinks he is doing well.

He works in a job where it's v hard to get sacked but I'm surprised he still has a job... He's part time, for the kids sake so they don't spend all day in childcare but for example yday youngest was only one home and didn't get outside to play with friends till I came home and brought her straight out.
We have a week away soon and I'm thinking of just bringing the kids as his drinking is so bad. Like others I seem to drink more now. Partly to
Make it easier be around him and partly so he won't drink as much if I have some of what's there.... Sad life to be in 😞

Yes, O guess it is a quick relaxing way to deal with stress, for them, I have tried suggesting other things like the mindfulness but he won't try it.- I find it helpful though so often go have a bath, close the door after the children are in bed and he's drinking. and go straight to bed in the spare room. Hoping he might get the message i'm not joining in with it. I have sometimes gone out about how lovely it feels to have a clear head the next day, when not drinking, but think that just winds him up! . I have tried talking to hm about it but he just looked at me like I'm nagging or gets defensive, thinks I'm stopping him 'having fun' that sort of thing. Here, it isn't those around him really as mainly just with us, but can see how that wouldn't help.

He has said sometimes after, he forgets what he's said and done after drinking, and a 'dark place' comes through . last weekend in the night he came in and started saying my name to the sofa in the spare room and having a conversation with it which was a bit worrying, and could hear him talking in his sleep (in the spare room thankfully0 he has no memory of this afterwards. Do any of yours do these odd things too? I know it affects sleep - badly.

we ordered an indian the other night almost £30s worth. dp fell asleep and they was no waking him.

he has weed against the bedroom door, fell over and landed on our tiny dog and lots of other things tbh.

it can be a nightmare. there's no wonder you are sick. are you happy to continue like this?

Mine wets himself in sleep so I sleep in spare room 😞 Please don't judge me for this. It's helping talking about it

oh self that's terrible. No-one is here to judge and talk away if it helps.

did you say you were thinking of leaving?

Ive been thinking about it a while now but I don't know. I have literally no family and my hours don't work around the kids childcare.
If he would admit it and come see the doctor I'd give a chance but he won't

you can self refer to charities if that is something he would be interested in? sadly lost a family member to alcohol at just 51. had a lot of input with lifeline and the nhs during last couole of years. there is lots of help out there if people want it.

im sure you would find a way if you decided that was best for you and yoir dc. i know it will mever be an easy decision.

as i say we dont have any and my dp is just a social drinker atthemoment but even i can see how difficult it is to make any kind of decisions as it is so easy to make excuses for them.

He's in denial that his drinking is a problem, can stop anytime he thinks/says.
I'm just so tired of if all now