DH drinking

[LovelyBath77]

Its just at weekends but starting to really get to me- drinking at the weekend then grumpy and down in the week. Has anyone else got this too? It's worse when work is stressy. Really starting to annoy me now.

In the interest of full disclosure I've detailed some issues in previous posts, just to give a better picture

Have you ever been to Al Anon, self? I gave a talk there recently- you would find a lot of recognition.

Lovely.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
He is dependant on alcohol. He has no intention of stopping. So what will you do? That would be a deal breaker for me. I grew up with an alcohol dependent DF. It was shit.

Lobster I've considered it, but I think I need to do something more, living with him is miserable. If it wasn't for childcare he would be gone to be very honest

I think, if it was all the time, every day, that would be worse, some weekends it's fine others not so much. I wouldn't leave but thinking when reading through these that if they knew the extent of how it does affect others maybe then they might stop? Sometimes I find they aren;t even aware of all these things like the weeing, the talking to the sofa etc, mine seems to have forgotten the next day. anyway. PS Don't think mine has weed the bed yet but if they do those waterproof sheet things I use for the DC are useful. Maybe if we put one down in the spare room bed it might make them think.

Trying to link prev post

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?q=www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2633757-Is-it-time-to-end-it&sa=U&ved=0ahUKEwjCx8Xsx6TVAhXiO5oKHXhDB_IQFggGMAE&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNHW-mXK_krpOCGhmWySpo-NUgwdjw" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?q=www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2633757-Is-it-time-to-end-it&sa=U&ved=0ahUKEwjCx8Xsx6TVAhXiO5oKHXhDB_IQFggGMAE&client=internal-uds-cse&usg=AFQjCNHW-mXK_krpOCGhmWySpo-NUgwdjw

We have them, plus think black bags under them. He doesn't care

Thick

Self, I have read the thread that you linked - it sounds awful and I see that you posted in May of last year. I'm a recovering alcoholic myself and would never blame anyone else for my drinking days - that's just appalling. I cannot see how you wouldn't be better off without him - this is no way for you or your children to live.

My dp is always remorseful after an event. Something happened at the weekend in front of one of his parents and you could tell it really got to the parent. i was sat cool as a cucumber looking at shoes online. it was at that point i realised how 'normal' it's all become.

Anyway, initially he is sorry will never do it again etc then as the drink slowly wears off the remorse turns to anger that he hasn't done anything wrong and everyone goes like that now and again.

i'll have a read.

Some weekends it's fine. But if you have kids they are also on tenterhooks wondering if this will be a good weekend or a bad one.
Nothing you can do will make him realise it's a problem. He will either decide to stop or not. Are you really prepared to sit and wait for the next binge vainly hoping he will pack it in. Addicts rarely give a shit about how their addiction affects others. You are not as important as the booze.

I didn't mean to take over this thread I'm sorry, it just seems to have opened the floodgates.
Ffs I'm mid 30s, I shouldn't be living like this. It's so hard when I don't know how I'll manage childcare etc, I'm quietly trying to get ducks in a row so I'll be financially in a good position and that might help, get more flexible childcare or whatever.
His family will hate me, what I did is the ultimate wrong to them and the drinking, well they will say I knew about that before I married him...

What wolfiefan wrote

His primary relationship is with drink and not you. Alcoholics do not have to drink every day and your man seems physically dependent on alcohol, there is always a reason to continue drinking

Do you love him or is this relationship really an unhealthy codependent type one? What did you learn about relationships from your parents?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

The 3cs re alcoholism
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Al-anon would be worth contacting

I grew up with just one parent, other died Young...
My kids are a big worry for me, I don't want them in this environment. I did look up al anon a few times but I can't really get out to a meeting as he won't trust me after what I did and will think I'm doing something else.
I've tried v hard to show him but he won't even try, not while drinking anyway. It all comes out in his drunken rants

It's Ok self, you aren't alone. I'm 40 and he's nearly 50, you'd think would have grown out of this by now!

His family will hate me, what I did is the ultimate wrong to them and the drinking, well they will say I knew about that before I married him...

That doesn't make it Ok. I feel something like this about DH's family, but in fact I feel quite cross they don't try to step in and stop him. His dad drinks too, a bit but not as much. I have tried to talk to his mum about it but didn't get far.

I sometimes wonder if suggesting a trial separation until they stop it, if that would help. Might make them realise how serious the situation is. Or something like an intervention.

They would understand the drinking but not my betrayal. She took me to the side and said he wouldn't change before our wedding, and if I changed my mind it would be OK. But I felt it was too late, trapped.. And maybe thought it would be OK. How wrong

You had hope, that is OK. But sadly it hasn't happened. What I think is, it's not about us, we don;t owe them anything, it is up to them to stop, never mind what your MIL may think. She might only want to out the blame on someone else, like mine. My MIL said something about me helping him more with it but not sure what to do. Apart form that the family seems to be in denial. We had a really bad time where DH had a rant at his dad in his sister's house and he was driven home. Nothing has ever been mentioned since, though. It's like it gets swept under the carpet.

I think my MIL (who is also quite religious) see marriage like you have signed up to put up with them whatever, yours sounds the same.

Al Anon operate on-line meetings. Try this link:

https://www.ola-is.org/

I really feel for you - and for you, OP - but I also know that if someone who is addicted to drink desperately wants to stop, it is possible. However, as others have said, the only person who can control/change/stop is the person with the problem.

I mean in terms of marriage vows, this would be 'unreasonable behaviour' surely?

Thanks Lobster.

On terms of being more healthy, I have recently been eating less rubbish and he has joined in with that over time. So I feel any telling him won't help, he needs to help himself. Especially as mine has an auto-immune disease.

I also see links with habits like with binge eating, for example mine drinks while watching films at the weekend and binging on chocs for example. like a ritual. It can be a real habit can't it.

Mine just drinks and stays up half the night, then complains he doesn't sleep... It's the fucking drink you Moron, but no he can't even see that it affects sleep
Yes his dad drinks and is a bit selfish re drink, his mother previously told me she would have left him years ago if she had the guts.
But still, she didn't cheat. That's his excuse and he's going to keep using it