Downloading DPs Phone Backup - Too far?

[Yandoori]

So i'm after some opinions and potentially a sense check. Full disclosure first off, because of a couple of very poor relationships in the past i am definitely on the more paranoid end of the trust spectrum! Sorry in advance for the long post. Short version is would you download your partner's phone backup if you wanted to "check up" on him?

For background - I've been with my DP 2 years, we have a very strong relationship but recently he's been working away i'm completely okay with as it's only for a few months, however whilst he's been over in Switzerland he's met up with an old Uni female friend a few times as she lives out there now, we spoke about it before he reached out to her and he checked i was comfortable that he got in contact, which i said i was fine with.

However now my paranoia kicks in and i've seen the odd message from her appearing on his phone, when he's home and i keep thinking there's something more to their meeting up. He's not secretive with his phone at all and leaves it around when he nips out for a run etc and i have looked at it but there's nothing incriminating, in fact there's very few messages (i'm sure they've messaged each other more) i never have too long to look at it. I mentioned this off hand to another female friend who works in IT and she's got some pretty nifty (and expensive) software to essentially download his entire iphone backup from the cloud without him knowing (he's given me his password in the past so i still have access to his itunes account), it downloads text and whatsapp messages, even some that have been deleted recently, and she said that if i'm eating myself up inside about it she may be willing to help providing i'm allowed access to his account.

So my question is twofold; 1) am i absolutely cuckoo and need to get a grip. 2) If i'm not is it a gross error and misuse of his trust to download his phone's text and whatsapp history whilst he's away to give myself some comfort? Would anybody else do so if they were in a similar position or would they need more than just a paranoid niggle to cause them to do this?

That's a huge invasion of privacy. I would be mad as hell if someone did that to me.

Have you tried actually talking to him? Do you have any actual reason to be so paranoid?

Please don't do this, you'll ruin any trust that exists in your relationship for good. It sounds like your dp has done his very best to check you're happy with his contact with old friend and isn't showing any classic signs of hiding things. Do you really think he deserves this invasion of privacy?

You need to sort yourself out pronto and stop punishing dp for your previous relationship problems.

Step too far way too far

It does sound get very OTT and disproportionate reaction.
The problem with this irrational type of jealousy ane suspicion is that no proof is ever enough.
Say you download the phone history - and there is nothing suspicious - would you stop, or would you, after a short period of happiness start wondering if he just covered his tracks well?
This cycle will never end and you'll continuously torment yourself.

I don't know how one gets out of this cycle.

If I discovered my partner (if I had one) did this to me, she'd be out the door as fast as I could get her out without physically throwing her out.

I think this is the way madness lies, if ur relationship ok otherwise then dont do it, however if your gut is screaming something not right then it probably not. Its horrible when you cant trust anyone, I dont know the answer either.

Your punishing him for your exes behaviour that's not okay. At all.

If a partner did that to me, I'd be livid!

Total invasion of privacy.

If you have access to his phone and passwords he has nothing to hide.

If you do look and find nothing will you just assume he has another phone? And spend hours turning the house upside down??

Yikes.

I think, if you do this, you're relationship will be over regardless of what you find.

That is a huge invasion of privacy.

How would you feel if that was done to you?

Remember, your current DP is not your issue, it's your past

An ex did this to me. Please don't do it. I felt so violated and it changed how I felt about him. I felt like he didn't think I had a right to privacy, and ironically lost my trust for HIM.

Nothing good will come of it. And if you do manage to do it without him finding out, what about next time you feel insecure? Are you going to secretly monitor him forever?

Seek help for your paranoia. If you truly love him don't punish him for your exes actions and your personal hang ups.

can someone tell me what this emoji is? I need to know if it's appropriate before I use it, it looks like a mad cow on my phone.

Looks like some kind of flag or hanging board, like a pub sign. Too small to see what's on it.

It's a flag I think 🤔

Don't do it.
Because where would it end?
It's very easy to get addicted to things like that.

Thanks all for the comments, good to give me a reality check. Will need to probably just address my concerns, probably with him and hope he understands and is willing to work with me to get over my issues.

I think my paranoia was enhanced by searching on MN and finding a woman in a similar situation who "hacked" into her DHs instagram account and found evidence of nefarious goings on which she wouldn't have seen otherwise.

I either need to just trust him (unless given explicit reason not to) or get out, and it will be the former i think.

I didn't realise it was possible to read through somebody's phone without having it physically there or them even knowing so that just made me wonder whether to do it to get the monkey off my back but see that it probably wouldn't stop there!

I discovered my STBXH's affair by going through his phone back-up on my PC. He'd already moved out, but under the guise of saying 'ILYB.'

What's "ILYB" Meg? I love you but (I'm not in love with you)?

Just because someone elses Dp cheated, doenst mean yours is. And it doesnt make hacking your dps phone ok.

He spoke to you before he met up with her. You said it was fine. There is nothing ti suggest he is cheating. Why would you risk losing your relationship?

If dh did this he would be out of the door. Its controlling to the point its abusive.

If my wife did this she'd be out of the door faster than she could blink.

If he leaves his phone lying around doesn't that suggest he's not up to anything? He obviously has trust that his phone is safe with you but I do feel you have invaded his privacy which he has a right to.

I have male friends who I message and I would be devastated if DH downloaded by backed up messages in order to spy on me. It's very intrusive and he has given you no reason to do it.

I understand you find it hard to trust after precious betrayals but a) is that DP's fault? and b) should he pay the price for it?

Previous* betrayals I was meant to type, but reading your message back there haven't been previous betrayals in other relationships? Just reading MN and getting funny ideas...

If I were him I would dump you without a second thought....

For even considering or researching this.

I hope the DM picks this up and blows your cover.

What an appalling thing to do. My ex did this to me with no good reason at all. He put spyware on everything. The only incriminating thing he ever found was a thread I'd started on MN about him being lazy, thoughtless, emotionally abusive etc. He read all the LTB responses (which I did) as spying was the very last straw. At least he read other people's opinions of his behaviour