bf of one year has just revealed he has £15k in debts from breakup with previous girlfriend

[moomoome]

. We have been together about a year and I thought he had some financial difficulty as he was always a bit tight with money but not because he wanted to, he was always just a bit sht most months. I asked to see his bank account and was soooo shocked to find loan and overdraft totalling £15k. He has told me it was debt built p in the last five years with his last girlfriend who always asked him to buy things for her and he couldnt say no. I just have nooo idea what to say or do to help him get it under control. He pays huge amounts of interest just servicing the debts. He is not accruing any more since he left her. I just didnt understand he relationship was getting into. I love him very much. He is a very kind and considerate man. I just dont want it to be like this and I dont know if to stay or leave or what to do really.

If you are living in separate homes, and not tied financially, I wouldn't consider break up over this. I would want openness and honesty. And to see him clearing the debt before progressing the relationship. Up front discussions about how to handle money before you move in together. If he's an arse or whatever, you can just break up with him, but providing he is responsible with money from now on, and generally a great bloke I'd keep him! Assuming he is as you seem to give the impression this is the only issue.

I was in his position once.
My ex had left me with a £10k loan to pay off that I'd taken out to cover ourselves so that HE could go back to university. None of this was my new boyfriend's problem, and I paid them off over the first couple of years of our relationship. I resented it utterly, but there was no alternative. It didn't have a negative impact on our relationship (we got married!), and it was not an indication of me being reckless with money or otherwise useless.

If he has a clear plan to sort it out, then let him get on with it. If he doesn't - then he needs a kick up the arse to get on with it.

I was the guy in debt once, I had 5K on my overdraft, 5K personal loan, 10K on my credit card. I never told a soul and cracked on and paid it off. it was my debt why should it bother other people??! I had an ex once calling me up in tears when I was walking around the supermarket saying she was 15K in debt. I didn't mind it wasn't my debt!!! I wasn't going to leave her because of it.
Other people on here have said cut and run - fair enough but that one day you get married and say for better or worse, well you've set a precedent about walking out when things aren't to your liking and get tough... He's not dragging you down, have some faith in him and things will get better for him.

Do not get involved in his debt in any way. Keep your finances completely separate. Do not sub him.

Listen to those who say be careful. When I first met my exH he was £12,000 in debt and I was too kind and stupid for my own good (very young). I took it on as half my debt, I paid 50% towards it and more like a fucking idiot to clear it. That was a huge mistake, but a lesson well learned.

My money is now my money. Don't get taken for a ride like I did.

I can't believe some of the replies on this thread

It probably took a lot of courage for him to finally admit he's in debt, to just say fuck that and up and leave is mercenary and shallow IMO. If he is v reckless with money and racking up more debt each month then fair enough but if he's actually doing his best to clear it and get himself back on track financially, it would be gutting to be dumped because of it.

You've only been together a year, so to be honest, I don't see him not telling you as being an issue, it hasn't really been any of your business.

I would at least give him the chance to prove he's sensible with money and if in 6 months time he's proven he isn't, then you could sack it off. If he's proved he is and he's lovely in all other ways, you'll be glad you didn't!

Oh and yes, don't pay his debt off for him (though I don't think anyone has suggested that) keep your finances separate for now, but for gods sake at least give him a chance.

Wow, some of these responses are shocking.

My OH is around 12k in debt and was 16k in debt when we first met and got together 2 and a half years ago. He was always very open and honest with me about the amount of debt he was in and how he was trying to clear it. I never once judged him or made any comment towards this as it is his own debt and I know he is not proud of it so why would I make him feel worse.

I'm very proud of him for being open and honest in regards to it and the fact he is slowly but surely working his way to paying it off by working extra hours where he can. Yes he may have made mistakes in the past as we all have when we are young and foolish but that doesn't mean I should run for the hills away from him. I love him very very much and would never have deserted someone for being honest.

Red flag for me as well.

Getting into debt in the first place is worrying but the killer is that he still isn't taking any responsibility for it. And you seem to be in rescuer mode - this poor innocent man taken advantage of by a nasty woman. How can you say he's responsible with money? He very clearly is not. What more evidence do you need? Anyways, he's not with her any more, hasn't been for a year at least, and seems to have done nothing to address the debt. This is his responsibility and his problem to fix. Stand back and observe how he deals with it.

And remember that you've only seen one bank account. There could be more debt that you don't know about.

My ex blamed his ex too. As he was paying so much on interest and we had a child together, I paid off his debts with the proceeds of the house. Soon afterwards, he was racking up debts again with his new credit cards.

I wouldn't necessarily leave him, but I wouldn't help him either, other than with financial advice. I'd keep my finances separate from his, and I'd avoid moving in with him. In fact, I'd consider moving into a place of my own so I wasn't financially connected with him. In other words, I'd make sure my own arse was covered, and would always (even if only privately) consider alternative explanations for the things he was telling me.

Do you know his ex? What evidence do you have that she was as you describe, other than what he says about her? I'm not saying that he's lying, but most people aren't all that complimentary about their exes, especially to their new partners, and it's human nature to only give one's own side of the story. Maybe she was indeed a grasping narcissist. Maybe she wasn't, and he just thought that was the best way to impress women, or for some other reason was pretending to have more money than he had. Maybe it had nothing to do with his ex at all. In none of those instances, or the millions of other possibilities, is it your problem.

In all honesty OP, is it really any of your business?! It's his debt, his responsibility...if DP had asked to look into my financial affairs after a year he'd be an x by now

If you believe that he's spent all that 15k on his ex and none of it's gone in himself your being very naive.

remember that you've only seen one bank account. There could be more debt that you don't know about

Sorry, but this ^^

Am too suspicious about it all going on ex-.

Stuff that drains accounts like this are gambling, soft drugs, alcohol, having no budgetting skills. I'd wish a bit more evidence that it all went on ex before believing what at the moment is highly unlikely.

Keep your finances separate until he has sorted himself out. Don't take on half of it or overly sub him in other ways.

A really good source of information for how to minimise charges and dig yourself out of the mire is debtcamel.co.uk - I have used the information here myself to sort out my finances and I still refer back to it occasionally.

He's your BF of a year - if everything else is fine within the relationship, then point him in the direction of fixing this, emotionally support him and keep your finances separated ... Just think how much you can save whilst together you find fun & cheap (free!) stuff to do

I know it's bad and immoral advice but unless he has a job in the financial industry or somewhere that involves credit checks he should just stop paying the debts. And save the money.
Eventually they will default his credit cards.
What that means is he won't be able to apply for a credit card for 6 years but he should be able to apply for a mortgage in 2 to 3 years time.
Applicants with defaults are the bread and butter for mortgage brokers.
If he manages to save a considerable amount of money then you'll know he has indeed changed, but if he continues to spend all his money then obviously he hasn't changed.

No he didn't try his best and if he's that easily influenced how you can trust someone that goes into debt of 15K just to please a partner, I don't believe him OP, it's his debt not an ex gfs.

I'd be very wary of him now, do not live with him until he has cleared this, it will take him a good few years but if he goes to a government backed agency that help people consolidate, he can do it, my friend's bf managed it after 3 years, a lot of the debt is written off.

Be aware too that he will be black listed for a number of years so no more credit cards or applying for a mortgage, he wont get them. If he was so bothered he'd have addressed it a year ago at least, instead he burys his head in the sand and does jack shit.

He could have said no OP. He's basically shifting responsibility for poor financial decisions onto someone else.

If someone pestered me to buy them things I couldn't afford I'd just say no, and suggest that if they wanted to run up debts it would be on their credit card not mine.

I am too shocked at some of the replies.

As long as he doesn't ask you for money etc then it is up to him. Of course you can be supportive and help him with a plan. Look on the Money saving expert debt free site.

But to leave an otherwise lovely person just seems selfish and I would not want to be with someone like that anyway.

Everyone of us can fall on bad times.

I was in debt following an abusive relationship. I paid it off, saving hard. I still budgeted enough to live on so my boyfriend contributed equally to meals, dates etc.
Thank goodness he didn't leave me as I had debt. Which is now gone.

If he was completely reckless still and continued to get into debt then I could possibly agree with some of the posts.

Nothing wrong with being wary of someone after only 1 year and finding out he has debt of 15K, it's the fact he's also blaming someone else for it, like he had no will, not really showing signs of taking responsibility, he's an adult after all.

I can see why some folk are saying get out, would you advise your daughter to stick with a man that told her this, probably not, or at least you'd tell her to be careful, don't really understand why folk are shocked at the responses.

About 2 months after we got married, DH filed his taxes (he's a US citizen). He hadn't filed them for several years before - said he couldn't be bothered (very naughty and he would eventually have got caught, but....). But in order to get me sponsored by the military, he had to show tax filings for the last 3 years, so file we did.

After he filed, we sat and waited for our expected tax return. Instead we got a letter from the IRS saying 'thank you, we've applied your refund to your outstanding debt and now you only owe $15k'.

Eventually he came clean and admitted to over $22k in debt. He was - and still is - just freaking useless with money. If the card keeps working, he keeps swiping it and spending. Very recently was told this compulsive behaviour is probably related to the bipolar he's being tested for, but anyhoo.

I was less than thrilled and probably would have walked if we hadn't already got married. Took several years of me working overtime to pay everything off, but we did manage it. That was over a decade ago and now I manage the family finances and control things pretty tightly (he does play along and doesn't 'push it' too often).

I'd say that if he realises he's made a mess and wants to do something about it, then offer your support (not necessarily financial support, though) and see how he goes - does he make an effort, change his habits and pay stuff back etc.

Being wary is one rhing but to totally just finish with someone as they have debt is ludicrous. Just like the herpes thread.

But each to their own we are all allowed our own boundaries.

Op only you know if he is reckless or its a regret.

I was in debt following an abusive relationship. I paid it off, saving hard. I still budgeted enough to live on so my boyfriend contributed equally to meals, dates etc

Can you not differentiate between debt run up in an abusive relatuonship and debt accrued through not saying no to a materialistic gf?

In your case I would view the debt very differently.

Fact is, he's not owning the debt as his own responsibility. And we've only got his word for it. I strongly suspect it's bollocks, but it's not he's quite weak as well as spendthrift.

^ but if it's not

Big red flag. He's either incredibly naive (and a doormat to boot) it he is simply blaming girlfriend instead of taking responsibility. Do not get talked into helping him financially. How he deals with this now it's out in the open will tell you all you need to know..