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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DS wants me to be friends with STBXH's new girlfriend

33 replies

NearlyFree17 · 24/07/2017 09:38

STBX and I decided to split about 9 months ago and he started seeing someone else while we were still living under the same roof.
He introduced her and her kids to our DS age 6 very early - when he has known her a couple of months.
Obviously I have not been too happy about this but I realise there is nothing I can do about it. I have not bad-mouthed the ex to DS at all and DS gets on fine with the new GF and her kids.
However DS is struggling with the split, understandably. He misses his dad a lot when he is not here. I have done my best to be reassuring.
DS has said several times that he would like me to meet the GFs kids, as DS sees them as his friends. He has now started asking if I can be friends with their mum.
What on earth do I say to this. DS doesn't see a problem, he just wants everyone who he cares about to get along with each other.I have tried to explain that she is not my friend, she is Daddy's GF but DS quite reasonably said that didn't stop her from being my friend. Ive said that while I am sure she is a nice lady, it is sad for me that Daddy has a new GF so I don't want to meet her. Im not sure if there's anything else I can do?

OP posts:

honeyroar · 24/07/2017 09:42

I think that what you've said is honest and fair. It must be hard.

MyKingdomForBrie · 24/07/2017 09:45

She wasn't part of the reason you split though? I'd really try hard to suck it up and just meet her, for DS sake.

Original poster

NearlyFree17 · 24/07/2017 10:15

I will consider meeting her, but I don't think that is what DS is asking for - he wants us to be friends. It has only been 6 months since DH moved out and I am obviously still grieving the marriage. DS is struggling with the idea of me and his dad having separate lives, and I think this is what he needs to adjust to.

OP posts:

pudding21 · 24/07/2017 10:21

NearlyFree17: I think that is a very positive sign your DS likes his Dads new girlfriend. I would meet her if that is what would make him happy, his term of "friends" can be very loose iykwim. My 9 year old refers to his "friends" when he has only met them once and chatted to them for a few minutes!

I know it would be tough, but say you would meet her and of course you can be friends (but keep your distance as you normally would". i think for your son, just thinking you get on is enough.

FlaviaAlbia · 24/07/2017 10:24

I wonder if he's imagining that if you and the gf were friends, then you'd going with your DS to his dad's and you all spending time together?

Maybe he just sees contact with his dad as a strange kind of play date at the minute rather than fully understanding?

LittleBooInABox · 24/07/2017 15:02

I think meet her. It isn't her fault you split and maybe your DS needs your reassurance that it's ok.

Must be a horrible situation op

GreenTulips · 24/07/2017 15:06

Go meet her - arrange a play date - it'll piss the EX off!!

You may even like her!

Angelf1sh · 24/07/2017 15:08

If meeting her is going to upset you then it's not going to help your son at all. Just say no. He's old enough to understand that not everyone in his class is friends with everyone else so he's old enough to understand that he and his dad can be friends with someone without you having to be friends too.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2017 15:15

You don't need to make a decision straight away, can you fob him off for a while and say you're sure you'll meet her at some point soon?

You don't know how she or ex will feel about a meet up and it's all a bit soon I think.

Have you ever seen her? Would a hi from the car at drop off or pick suffice for now?

It's never easy. My DM and DSM get on famously and we holiday en masse and have birthdays and xmas together. I have no relationship with DSC Mum at all,, they're as equally well adjusted as my siblings and I are. It depends on the situation and children are very resilient.

He might just want some reassurance his dad having a gf isn't a complete disaster. But more than all that, honesty is so important and you've been fair and truthful so stick with what you've said, repeat as necessary, and play it by ear.

Peanutbutterrules · 24/07/2017 15:24

My DSS was similar - felt we all ought to be able to live in houses beside each other with a connecting door so he could move from one home to the other.

To be fair...I saw his point but it was never going to happen! It's a child's fantasy that everyone gets on and likes everyone else in his family. For some people there are close relationships with ex's but for most it's difficult.

I think you said the right thing; in time meet her, be nice, say nice things and let it settle. It's all early days yet.

Mari50 · 24/07/2017 15:40

I think meeting her is a fair proposition, however the friends bit you'll just have to pretend. My concern would be the fact your son is struggling with the split and what his expectations are if you all become 'friends', does he think that you'll all hang out together and he'll see his dad more (goodness knows how kids think)
I also understand that while it may have been a clean split (i.e no affair) it can still be very hurtful and confusing when your exP moves on which makes the comments saying 'she wasn't involved in the split it's all good' irrelevant. Unless you've been there it's difficult to understand. And even if you have been there, everyone is different.
I'm in almost exactly the same situation although thankfully my dd8 is old enough to not suggest this. She's also struggling with the split, moreso since gf came in the scene as I think she realises that it's permanent now. She did say gf was nice and I'd probably like her but stopped short of expecting me to make friends. Thank god. Maybe in a few years.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 24/07/2017 15:57

Ive said that while I am sure she is a nice lady, it is sad for me that Daddy has a new GF so I don't want to meet her.

You both decided to split, though. Your DS is now struggling to come to terms with this decision. I'm sorry but I think it wasn't fair to tell him you're sad. He's much, much sadder and wants to try to find a way of dealing with this. You're the adult, he's the child.

Meet her for his sake and try to stop telling your very young DS about your sadness because this is going to make it so much harder for him.

I think this is what he needs to adjust to.

Try to see this as what you both need to HELP him adjust to. Not what HE needs to do.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. But ultimately you both decided to split and knew it would have an impact on him so it's time to put aside your feelings and do what you can to help your DS.

Original poster

NearlyFree17 · 24/07/2017 16:12

Mar50 thats exactly it. My worry is that DS thinks that I can be friends with the GF and then we can all be together all the time, and DS will not need to split his time between myself and his dad.

PotatoSalad I understand where you are coming from and this is tricky. However I think that DS needs to understand that I have feelings too. We both decided to split but it was my ex who decided to get with another woman and introduce her to the kids so soon. I had no choice over that and I am just trying to deal with the emotional fallout now which my ex has imposed on us all.

OP posts:

Justhadmyhaircut · 24/07/2017 16:15

Just tell him that grown ups choose their own friends just like he does. .

ParadiseCity · 24/07/2017 16:15

You sound so nice and ex sounds like a total shit. What you have said to your ds is spot on.

HadronCollider · 24/07/2017 16:17

I think your DS could do with some counselling as he really feels the need for everyone to be happy and the situation to work with no friction which is not the reality. I really feel for him, it sounds like he's taking it hard. It is a huge adjustment and if he's particularly sensitive it may affect him more. Perhaps look into some therapy with a child counsellor? I do think you should meet her.

Original poster

NearlyFree17 · 24/07/2017 16:20

Thanks HadronCollider therapy might be helpful, I hadn't thought of that. Will look into the options. I think stbx has bought him a book about separating families as well.

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 24/07/2017 16:21

Is Ex's girlfriend the same person he started seeing before you split? If so then that's a new level of complicated.

Could you say what you've said already and if he asks more just say daddy and his girlfriend hurt mummy's feelings. I might be friends later but not right now because I'm finding it difficult it not being you me and daddy like it always was.

MadMags · 24/07/2017 16:22

That's tough. Bless him.

Do you think he might be thinking if you and she are friends, he will get to see his "new friends" more often?

I think what you've said is fine. I also think that if he is asking because he has a fantasy about having you all back together all the time then it would be detrimental to him to do so as it will give him false hope.

Maybe if he mentions it again say that you're sure you will meet her one day but not just yet? And in the meantime be super excited for him and his play days etc.

Your ex is a knob.

Original poster

NearlyFree17 · 24/07/2017 16:22

Ex started seeing her after we decided to split, but before we told the kids and while we were still living together . To be honest that's not really the issue though.

OP posts:

Orangebird69 · 24/07/2017 16:25

How old is your ds OP?

Original poster

NearlyFree17 · 24/07/2017 16:29

MadMags yes i think he probably reckons we can all live in one big house together.
Newsflash: We are not in Utah :-/

OP posts:

MadMags · 24/07/2017 16:34

That's horrible, Nearly. It's so confusing for them.

As I said, I think what you said is really the best route to take. All you can do is tough it out and hope that he adapts to his new family life sooner rather than later.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 24/07/2017 16:37

NearlyFree I completely appreciate what you are saying and of course you have feelings, but your DS' feelings come first.

I like what another poster suggested - to tell your DS that grown ups choose their own friends like he does. Much less emotive than saying you're sad daddy has a new GF. That's hard for a 6 year old to hear, especially when he is struggling with his own emotions right now.

I also appreciate what you're saying about your ex, but it was presumably both your decision to stay living together and not telling your DS you were actually splitting up. That probably contributed to a lot of his confusion about what's happening because you were living together but weren't actually together. So now perhaps he thinks that can continue indefinitely ie playing happy families, when obviously it can't.

I don't think your ex has "imposed" an emotional fallout, from what you've said. You are both responsible for the impact this is having on your son and I don't think it's wise to apportion blame in the circumstances. And it's not really an excuse to burden a small child with your feelings. I know that sounds so harsh and I don't mean it to be, but I don't get the impression you need pussyfooting around.

Orangebird69 · 24/07/2017 16:40

Ignore my question just read the Op properly...

Your ds is too young for you to be telling him how you feel. That's unfair. It's a shit situation all round but your ds doesn't need the worry of your sadness on top of his upset as his df not living with him anymore.

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