DS wants me to be friends with STBXH's new girlfriend

[NearlyFree17]

STBX and I decided to split about 9 months ago and he started seeing someone else while we were still living under the same roof.
He introduced her and her kids to our DS age 6 very early - when he has known her a couple of months.
Obviously I have not been too happy about this but I realise there is nothing I can do about it. I have not bad-mouthed the ex to DS at all and DS gets on fine with the new GF and her kids.
However DS is struggling with the split, understandably. He misses his dad a lot when he is not here. I have done my best to be reassuring.
DS has said several times that he would like me to meet the GFs kids, as DS sees them as his friends. He has now started asking if I can be friends with their mum.
What on earth do I say to this. DS doesn't see a problem, he just wants everyone who he cares about to get along with each other.I have tried to explain that she is not my friend, she is Daddy's GF but DS quite reasonably said that didn't stop her from being my friend. Ive said that while I am sure she is a nice lady, it is sad for me that Daddy has a new GF so I don't want to meet her. Im not sure if there's anything else I can do?

Could you say what you've said already and if he asks more just say daddy and his girlfriend hurt mummy's feelings. I might be friends later but not right now because I'm finding it difficult it not being you me and daddy like it always was.

Sorry but that's a terrible idea. Who would say that to a 6 y/o? Really, really unfair.

OP I think you have said exactly the right thing. I also agree with you that it is OK to tell DS that you're sad. IMO it would be worse to do as some people have suggested and pretend, for his sake. That would be being dishonest and could lead to DS building hope that you can all just get along together. In his mind, probably all in 1 happy household. Far far better to be honest all along.

As time goes in you might find you meet & like this woman, who knows.

It might be honesty about OP's feelings but it's not honesty in the sense that it's telling the whole story. A child of 6 is too young to understand the intricacies of a relationship ending. It could cause a lot more confusion for him, and also lead to him having bad feelings towards his dad which is also very, very unfair.

There are ways of saying things neutrally.

I think there's a middle ground where you are polite to her and about her for the sake of your son and being best buddies.

I don't think you need to tell him that you are not friends as children are very black and white at that age and "not friends" suggests that you actively dislike her. Even if you do he doesn't need to know that.

As a teen my dm and sm were friends. Went to the pub and gym together.

It was just too weird. .

Honestly - of course you don't have to be friends with this woman because of a sense of guilt for your little boy. There are things in life that are just impossible to suck up, and you can just explain that you are still sad about being apart from his dad and that one day you will meet and may perhaps be friends with the GF, but that it isn't a good idea for you to do it now. It's fine for you to feel the way you do, and for your son to understand that your feelings matter, just like his do. Otherwise you'll just perpetuate this idea that mums (and women in general) may have feelings, but there not worth taking much notice of.

Anyhow, in my experience it is NOT a good idea to let children call the shots on this type of thing, and it is much much better to keep the separation between households a firm one. So, if you don't feel like it, don't do it.

doh! they're, not there...

Thanks for the reassurance lovelycuppateas and others who have provided different perspectives.

I need to talk to DS when he gets back from the ex, to try and gently find out what me and the Gf being friends means exactly to him.

I do also feel that the ex has an agenda here. I know he wants me to meet the GF (probably to show her off, as he is a complete narcissist) and I think he's using DS as an excuse.