I can't send this to SIL, so I'm writing it here

[Fauchelevent]

Right. Which one of you lot is still awake for some in-law drama? SIL and family in law in general are very against me. They have a history of telling DP he is no good, lazy, a bad person and so on. They have seen he has chosen a woman from a different culture, a different language and he lives in this city away from them with me. They see that I have a history or story of some kind (Aspergers and former eating disorder) and are very against me. Have previously said "they can see the jealousy in my eyes because they can take him back to Italy and now my Mum is dead all I have this DP". They have never had a conversation with me. There is a massive language barrier.

DP and I had a big argument in june and separated. He has MH issues, former drug issues where he had been sleeping with others under the influence and we have been working through it. However we were having a difficult patch, and I told him openly that one of my friendships was becoming too intimate and for that I'm sorry. He became very upset, naturally and understandably - and we have also had heated arguments where I told him his behaviour was killing me and he also said strong words, and we separated. He has been upset since then, one month ago. I left the country and returned today to discover things his family have been telling him about me. SIL in particular. She is my age, a nurse, and told him "people with my kind of sickness will never get better and ruin everyone's life. Even her brother doesn't want to be around her."

I would be gutted if I gave a toss about her and her ignorant opinions but I'm dying to pen her a reply. Since I can't do that, I'm posting it here for relief.

*Dear SIL,

There are many people I've formed an opinion of whilst never having a conversation with them. I don't have a high opinion of the current president of the United States. I abhor Hitler and I feel like Justin Bieber is an arrogant little shit. I understand the concept of having a strong dislike of someone whilst having never spoken to them or heard their story. I understand where you're coming from, really, I do.

You formed your opinion of me having never spoken to me, or heard my story. Your opinion is that I will never heal from "borderline personality disorder" because you've seen scars on my body and your month of training in mental health means you know everything. Your opinion is that I force your brother to have no friends and stay home with me. Your opinion is that I am so toxic and ruinous that even my own brother doesn't want me in my life.

Had you spoken to me, you'd discover I'm autistic and my scars are from dealing with my sensory issues. You'd discover my blood pressure is consistently perfect "not dangerously low" as you inaccurately decided - then come to the decision I don't care about my health. You'd discover we have a group of shared and independent friends and that is why I now speak your language. I'm very active on social media so I'm sure you've seen evidence of this. He had lots of fun in Amsterdam just this week with his friend. You'd discover I have a very proud brother, who admires his little sister for her journey into adulthood, even if the eleven years of age difference makes us not close. You'd see a woman who helped and encouraged your brother to come off strong drugs, encouraged his passion in life and supported his self esteem after years of being told by his family his life is mediocre by and he is lazy. He is now bilingual, and driven towards his passion.

Instead, you can't see past your bigotry that your boyfriend has chosen a complex woman from a different culture and race. You didn't try to get to know me. You saw a past and made assumptions. And now we've had a strong argument - because he has been unfaithful multiple times and I have retailiated with strong words (and you only heard about my strong words, not his unfaithfulness) - and you have restated your opinion of me as a life ruiner, mentally unwell and dangerous. He is unhappy, possibly depressed, but you believe that he is not and it will ruin him to see a therapist, that they will lock him away and he doesn't have depression, rather that he just needs to come back home.

My opinion of you is that you are angry and you miss your brother. That's understandable. My opinion is that you don't have the vernacular you think you possess about mental health. My opinion is your life would be fuller if you opened your heart, cast aside your judgements and let in some compassion. I have a story. I have a history and a past. It doesn't make me a bad person. In the end, what makes us bitter about others is what we see and despise in ourselves.

We both have a common goal and that is your brother's happiness. I hope one day your heart opens, but if it doesn't, all the best. I will continue to not be of your culture, I will always have a past, I will always have autism - and I will always support your brother including times like now where he is very unhappy in life and we have had an argument.

All the best,

Fauch*

Is this letter that I won't even send too PA? I want to compose the perfect letter to clear my mind!

Bold fail 😭

The only thing i would write - and send her - is "Your brother is a junkie and a cheat - you can have him back".

Make sure he doesn't take you to the cleaners!

We're not married so no risk of that! The infidelity is... complex. Strangely one friend sent me a long diatribe of how much I control and treat him badly because I don't forgive him and "remind him of what he has done."

I was in hospital watching my Mum die and he was with other women. I mean...

Maybe you're right.

"Your brother was fucking other women and snorting cocaine as I was keeping a vigil for my dying mum. Sorry I haven't forgiven him and that makes him sad. Sorry I cannot alleviate his guilt for that. Never mind eh. Ps, in England we don't lock people up in institutions for the "crime" of depression. And most nurses can tell the difference between a healthy BP and a bad one. Since you can't, it figures you can't tell the difference between BPD and autism."

Thought that was pretty eloquent. Don't think they're worth the paper it's written on though x

I would get it translated and send it, personally. It's fab.

Get it translated? Nah that's effort i'll just run it through google translate and if it tells them "chicken alfredo pizza hut" that's their code to crack.

I speak their language but not eloquently enough to reply.

Don't bother replying, dump him and get shot of the lot of them in one go!

Why are you focusing on the SIL? Get shot of him and all of your relationship problems are solved.

DP and I are not currently together, we're still living together and cordial. The cheating and drug abuse all almost a year ago and because of a few circumstances and my wish to stay with him, we stayed together.

Ended it in June before I went away, I have returned home to discover his family and one friend think I'm a toxic, controlling manipulator who treats him badly because I told him it's a bad idea to go back to his old ways just because I'm gone and because I haven't "forgiven him". And because he's sad about this they've extrapolated that I must have done this based on nothing but my evil ways.

I'm focusing on SIL because my ASD is only letting me focus on the smaller details although believe me the whole situation infuriates me.

I wouldn't send it but it sounds like it was cathartic to write. Can you move out and get rid of him permanently? That sounds a lot more cathartic.

It was but I'm still very sad. I should have stayed abroad.

And I need to get all my?? what is it?? eggs in one basket?? ducks in a row?? I need to do that first.

I can't work out if you and he are still together. I sincerely hope not.

A man is not a project for you to fix at all costs. He needs to do that himself.

Change your focus to your own future. Time to move on from this whole mess.

We're not but we're cordial. There was the chance we might rebuild and try again when I return but I'm exhausted. I just want to make a plan and move abroad and do my life now. I hope for the best for him but I really tried to form a relationship on mutual companionship and building each other up. I was understanding of the complexities that came into his cheating. I really really tried. But all I'm being told is that I treat him badly because I won't forget what he did, he'll always allow his family to talk abusive to me, he's known me for 2.5 years but will take the word of a family member who has never spoken to me and a much older female friend who refers to his period of drug abuse as "the good old days" over what he's known the relationship to be. His approach to any difficulty in my life is to not support me. He has good points, they always do, but I'm just not seeing how it's worth it anymore.

Why are you worried about what your exs family thinks of you? Move out and move on.

He sounds like an arse

Everyone has good points. My ex had good points. Didn't make him a good man.

I like the shit-coffee analogy. If you have the most perfect cup of coffee (or whatever it is you like to drink), but stir in one drop of human shit, it is not a good cup of coffee. No person alive is all good or all bad, but from the tiny fraction of history you've shared, your ex has more than a drop of shit in his coffee.

He was unfaithful to you at a time when he should have been by your side. I don't think there is anyone who can genuinely say they would have forgiven that by now.

You deserve better than this. This is not how relationships are supposed to be. Trust me, I thought me and my ex were a normal couple. I thought relationships were supposed to be work. Turns out that isn't supposed to mean all the time. I'm now happily married to a kind man. Sometimes he screws up, sometimes I do, but our screw ups are never betrayals. They're small things that are easily forgiven.

I can understand focusing on the SIL and wanting to set it straight. That's your 'needing it to be fair' kicking in. Unfortunately fair doesn't come in to NT blood ties. They tend to go down the illogical route of blind faith, as I'm sure you know. My ex inlaws all knew me well, but now I'm a "liar and a gold-digger who makes things up to separate him from his children". The injustice hurts, but the more time passes, the more it eases, and I don't have to hear about it anymore.

Your boundaries seem very weak. Stop listening to people who think you should be over this already. There is no "should". You're not. That's ok. I wouldn't be. I would know I could never rely on him again and that wouldn't be the relationship for me.

I would suggest doing the Freedom Programme to reinforce boundaries. Particularly important for autistic women who have often been trained from a young age to ignore their internal warning signals about lots of things (simply because those around them don't experience things in the same way).

Good luck. Let SIL go. She's not the villain here, she's just another woman being lied to by your ex, who thinks she's doing the right thing. Put that anger back on him and move as soon as possible.

Your letter is perfectly composed - I would print it out, fold it neatly into an envelope and then place it in your drawer.

This woman is not worth your words. Leave her with her assumptions and blame...

Has he been giving her a very censored version of what has been happening? Have her wrong assumptions been formed by snippets of information from him? Was he the one to colour her perception?

Me - I'd draw a line through them all. Reflect, then move forward...

I imagine they think badly of you because your ex tells them a load of crap about you (probably to divert attention from his own shortcomings).

Your ex is an arse. Dump him and move on. Your SIL is not the issue here

Your problem is your ex-partner, not your SIL.

If he had any integrity or honesty, or care for you he would defend you to his family.

Leave him, and then send them any letter you like! I would be specific; he is a drug user and betrayed you while you cared for your dying Mum.

I wonder how much their opinion is flavoured by him running back and telling his side?
Me, I'd take this opportunity to make the break complete. He sounds like a self indulgent twat.

Thank you so much FuckYou i really needed to read that. I've been awake all night with jetlag and feeling rotten. I need to let SIL go but you're right it doesn't feel fair to me. I was honest to my friends but the same courtesy wasn't extended to me and worse is that he is now telling me what people are saying about me, based on this unfair view. But I know I need to let that go.

When he was gone he didn't clean or tidy the flat at all - the bag I left by the bed was still there 20 days later and the day i returned he tried to get me to go out and do shopping because the fridge was bare. I did no such thing.

I feel rotten.

When I was away I was talking and flirting with a sweet guy friend who I became close with just before I left but he then also left the country. I can't tell if I really like him more or I'm just reacting to positive attention. But we have such a nice time together, always laughing and holding hands. I felt like we both had a similar level in terms of perspective. Enjoy similar things, we can make each other laugh despite the language barrier and it's just a really nice and easy friendship. When I was away we were texting each other flirty jokes, I may have sent him a nice photographic reminder ( ) and he was really sweet about it but although we were flirty he was a bit reserved. I realised when I arrived home, he still thought I was with DP. Before I could tell him I'm not, he let me know he's away on holiday with friends for a while and will be replying a bit slower. Right now I definitely do not need another relationship, and several factors mean it probably couldn't work. But it does make me feel less like I'll never find anyone else. DP was my first relationship, first male sexual experience (i'm 24). The only thing that makes me sad is my male friends have a good habit of talking to me and being my friend right up until they find girlfriends and it makes me feel used up. Like they only spoke to me because they wanted to fuck me and then now they have a girlfriend they don't need me. I'm scared this will happen with this friend and it makes me sad because we got along but my guy friends don't want that. But I have a lot of excellent supportive female friends too who form my core base.

I want to talk to DP but he's asleep and whenever I try to have a conversation with him, he shuts down completely. He doesn't want to hear it. When I was away he said we need to talk about how I had hurt him, and I started worrying about things i must have subconsciously done because his friend told me that i had been subconsciously doing things but neither she nor he would tell me and they said I needed to think about what I have done and I should know already, I need to leave him alone to heal(i can categorically say I know him enough to say they're not sleeping together (his tastes are shallow), but I don't know her well enough to say she does not want him.)
Anyway no one would tell me, and I couldn't understand what I had done really so bad that we hadn't already addressed. And I really wanted to extend my trip for longer but I was so overwhelmed with anxiety and desperate to have this discussion so i could mend my ways and maybe get treatment for how awful I must be. I can't abide abusers. I was searching google frantically but all i got was advise for emotionally abused people and I felt so so bad because I was one of the people causing that pain. So i came home so I could know how to mend my ways and I was constantly assuring him "listen to the people around you, you deserve to be loved, you are a valid person and no one not even me gets to make you feel small or harm you."

Then I came home to find out it's this. I had to really encourage the conversation out of him. "No i don't want to ruin your first day back" then we eventually discussed the evil crimes I had done, and i was just a bit like oh. I came back... for that. Even now I'm like, am i minimising the whole thing? And all this is part of my pattern of abuse?

Anyway every time we try and have a serious discussion he shuts down. I mention anything that seems like something he doesn't want to deal with and he shuts down. Turns away from me, goes to smoke, goes to the bathroom. He'll talk about "endeavours we can do IF we get back together" but talks about them as a certainty, whilst uttering "anyway you treated me SO badly" half of the day. So I reply "yes, that's why we're not staying together" and he says "no i WANT to rebuild with you, I just need to see you're going to change." "Change what? We need to talk about what-" "that you treated me badly. And you will always end up in depressions. You need to prove you will heal." But if I ask him to elaborate, he shuts down again.

I should not have come back. I told my friend I was coming to him in his city as a joke and he told me to come. I want to go, or go to my best female friend in her city. My other close close friend has gone on a trip for a few days but I just need to get away. Coming home was a terrible decision.

Do you co-own your home with him?

If not, and you have no financial investment, it may be better to get out of what seems to be a very toxic and degrading situation before it seriously affects your mental health and self-esteem.

I second Couldntmakethisshitup - send The only thing i would write - and send her - is "Your brother is a junkie and a cheat - you can have him back" - in English. They can get it translated or not to suit themselves, and then walk away from this whole sorry mess.

Trust me -you will feel better.

Please get away from this man. Can you be sure other people have said the things he says they have? At best, he said it to them and they said didn't disagree.

He is out to destroy your self esteem and mental health.

Everyone who posted after fuckyou is right. And he can admit he did that because he was so depressed all he was doing was staring at the ceiling. Instead of dealing with his shit, he blamed me because he was angry with me. He was angry because I told him "look I think I'm getting too close to this friend and it's putting roadblocks in the way I feel for you." He admits he told them a very coloured part of the story and they think he has done nothing wrong. Know nothing of his drug use, overuse of alcohol (not sure if it's true overuse as I don't drink but from my perspective he doesn't know any limits) and cheating. They think it came out of nowhere, but saying "you can even see her brother wants nothing to do with her" really stung. And because I have ASD i hyperfocus on that . My brother thinks I'm the smart one and he's so amazed I live the life I do!

testtube well i thought that too. He should stand up for me, but when they say wildly inaccurate things or harsh things he just says "well i love her, so i want to stay with her". Not "you don't even know her, how the fuck can you judge?"
He only stood up to them when they told HIM his life is inaccurate. When it's about me I just need to learn to let it go.

But then I feel like asking him to stand up to them is controlling and manipulative and I shouldn't ask that :(

At the start of this relationship another man sexually assaulted me. He was an ex-colleague. He went on to manipulate me, tell me everyone thinks I'm crazy and not to be trusted but he trusts me. He admitted everything but kept racially abusing me, saying i'm manipulative and taking out his anger and (ha) drug abuse problems on me. I reported him after four months because I stopped eating and I couldn't go to university but in my mind I feel like I reported him to get my own way. Like that I was fine with him racially abusing me but then I got sick of it and reported him and that was manipulative. So I had it in my head that I am manipulative and...

And I told his friend this. That I take the accusation seriously, because of this abusive ex-colleague getting into my head. So if it's who I am and I control people I need to go away for a long time and not be able to hurt people. But I spoke to another friend of his and she told me "it's been exaggerated and he's looking for people to blame. It's about you forgiving him."

And his friend said "I'm sorry that happened to you. Maybe the abuse has made you think certain behaviours are acceptable that aren't."