I can't send this to SIL, so I'm writing it here

[Fauchelevent]

Right. Which one of you lot is still awake for some in-law drama? SIL and family in law in general are very against me. They have a history of telling DP he is no good, lazy, a bad person and so on. They have seen he has chosen a woman from a different culture, a different language and he lives in this city away from them with me. They see that I have a history or story of some kind (Aspergers and former eating disorder) and are very against me. Have previously said "they can see the jealousy in my eyes because they can take him back to Italy and now my Mum is dead all I have this DP". They have never had a conversation with me. There is a massive language barrier.

DP and I had a big argument in june and separated. He has MH issues, former drug issues where he had been sleeping with others under the influence and we have been working through it. However we were having a difficult patch, and I told him openly that one of my friendships was becoming too intimate and for that I'm sorry. He became very upset, naturally and understandably - and we have also had heated arguments where I told him his behaviour was killing me and he also said strong words, and we separated. He has been upset since then, one month ago. I left the country and returned today to discover things his family have been telling him about me. SIL in particular. She is my age, a nurse, and told him "people with my kind of sickness will never get better and ruin everyone's life. Even her brother doesn't want to be around her."

I would be gutted if I gave a toss about her and her ignorant opinions but I'm dying to pen her a reply. Since I can't do that, I'm posting it here for relief.

*Dear SIL,

There are many people I've formed an opinion of whilst never having a conversation with them. I don't have a high opinion of the current president of the United States. I abhor Hitler and I feel like Justin Bieber is an arrogant little shit. I understand the concept of having a strong dislike of someone whilst having never spoken to them or heard their story. I understand where you're coming from, really, I do.

You formed your opinion of me having never spoken to me, or heard my story. Your opinion is that I will never heal from "borderline personality disorder" because you've seen scars on my body and your month of training in mental health means you know everything. Your opinion is that I force your brother to have no friends and stay home with me. Your opinion is that I am so toxic and ruinous that even my own brother doesn't want me in my life.

Had you spoken to me, you'd discover I'm autistic and my scars are from dealing with my sensory issues. You'd discover my blood pressure is consistently perfect "not dangerously low" as you inaccurately decided - then come to the decision I don't care about my health. You'd discover we have a group of shared and independent friends and that is why I now speak your language. I'm very active on social media so I'm sure you've seen evidence of this. He had lots of fun in Amsterdam just this week with his friend. You'd discover I have a very proud brother, who admires his little sister for her journey into adulthood, even if the eleven years of age difference makes us not close. You'd see a woman who helped and encouraged your brother to come off strong drugs, encouraged his passion in life and supported his self esteem after years of being told by his family his life is mediocre by and he is lazy. He is now bilingual, and driven towards his passion.

Instead, you can't see past your bigotry that your boyfriend has chosen a complex woman from a different culture and race. You didn't try to get to know me. You saw a past and made assumptions. And now we've had a strong argument - because he has been unfaithful multiple times and I have retailiated with strong words (and you only heard about my strong words, not his unfaithfulness) - and you have restated your opinion of me as a life ruiner, mentally unwell and dangerous. He is unhappy, possibly depressed, but you believe that he is not and it will ruin him to see a therapist, that they will lock him away and he doesn't have depression, rather that he just needs to come back home.

My opinion of you is that you are angry and you miss your brother. That's understandable. My opinion is that you don't have the vernacular you think you possess about mental health. My opinion is your life would be fuller if you opened your heart, cast aside your judgements and let in some compassion. I have a story. I have a history and a past. It doesn't make me a bad person. In the end, what makes us bitter about others is what we see and despise in ourselves.

We both have a common goal and that is your brother's happiness. I hope one day your heart opens, but if it doesn't, all the best. I will continue to not be of your culture, I will always have a past, I will always have autism - and I will always support your brother including times like now where he is very unhappy in life and we have had an argument.

All the best,

Fauch*

Is this letter that I won't even send too PA? I want to compose the perfect letter to clear my mind!

As in, the abuse made me think it was acceptable to manipulate people what a horrible thing to say.

Oh love, he is a nasty piece of work and she is not your friend.

You have "subconsciously been hurting him". Erm... no. You have been feeling hurt by his previous actions.

Healing from such a huge betrayal, whilst going through grief, takes time. He should have been happy to give you that time and reassure you that he would do everything in his power to make you feel safe. Instead he is criticising you for your completely normal and understandable feelings, and trying to push you into "getting over it".

That's not how people mend things after infidelity. Infidelity kills off the relationship that existed before. It makes you view everything through new eyes, all that naive trust is gone. To survive infidelity (and most relationships don't because that doubt never goes away), you have to start again. There has to be complete openness from the cheater, and they have to be willing to talk about their partner's feelings when that pain arises.

Even then, even if both do their best to make it work, it might never get there.

This man has not worked. He is lying to others and telling you the problem is in your head.

The problem is very much outside of you. It is him. That freedom you felt away from him? That was life. That sinking feeling? That's the weight of him pulling you down. You'll be amazed by how much your mental health improves without him.

You particularly need to be able to trust those around you, it's a huge extra drain for autistics to be lied to. You are being manipulated. He is trying to put you back in your box. If he can get you to be sorry for hurting him, then he can do what he wants forever.

Run. Run far and run fast. Is there anywhere else you can stay until you can move? You need to get out. Now. Stuff is stuff. You are important.

First you only ' know ' what his relatives say add he has told you. This does not sound right to me and I would bet he's lying or massively exaggerating to keep you in a relationship with him. The stuff about you not having anyone but him came from him, not his family. Even if they had said something unkind he should never pass that on to you. Either way he is being unkind and using his family as an excuse to do it.

Second, he is possibly telling his family a load of bs about you. That will keep you isolated even more and you'll never be able to check with them what he said or what they said.

If someone upsets you this much, you need to cut them out of your life. Don't accept unkind behaviour. Unkind behaviour is anything that upsets you. He had upset you by telling you all this shite.

Don't go to this male friend. You don't need that right now. Your radar for good people is off and you are open to being manipulated and getting hurt. Enjoy the ego boost you've had and let it go for now. You really need to be single.

I'm so sorry you went through that abuse. Do you have a group of friends who are separate from your ex? Who just know you and are supportive? I would avoid anyone who he's been lying to, and look for support outside of that circle.

You are all so right. I don't think he is so much of a master manipulator or abuser or anything but rather someone who... I don't know there's just nothing solid there. No ounce of maturity, and he's nearly 30. He can't take responsibility for anything, has no sense of self, no emotional maturity, and right now it's easier to hide and blame and hurt me than face up to the world. What kind of much older man do i need to be seeking to get a little bit of frigging emotional maturity. Someone who can own their shit. My Mum told me before she passed that I need to use my inheritance to buy a house on my own. She said he's nice, but... and now I see what see means. He's just not solid. Completely clueless. I thought I could be there for the day he reaches his potential, by his side, but maybe he never will. It takes too much out of me when I could be alone or with a companion with a completely independent drive. He has no drive of his own.

I know I absolutely shouldn't. And I won't. It's a terrible idea for many reasons but I enjoy his company. I just also really want to kiss him. But even in regular circumstances a relationship could not work. I don't even think he likes me more than a friend perhaps. I could stay with my closest female friend but it would mean going overseas again.

Yes I have a good group of really amazing friends. But even all of our couple friends who he hasn't seen in the past two weeks are saying all what you're saying without the "you need to get far from him" part.

They're saying he is so easily led, you are not like this, he is in a bad place and blaming and trying to hurt you. He has no sense of self etc etc. It's kind of a relief.

OP, you could not fix him - you'd of broken yourself trying.

He has a lot of issues. My advice = keep writing all this down, make sense of this in your own mind then move on...

By the sound of things he was never available to you in a emotional sense. Without that as a foundation it could not of progressed to the next level.

I don't think he is so much of a master manipulator or abuser or anything but rather someone who... I don't know there's just nothing solid there.... He can't take responsibility for anything, has no sense of self, no emotional maturity, and right now it's easier to hide and blame and hurt me than face up to the world

He's an addict. A substance abuser. Be that illegal drugs or legal ones, such as alcohol.
You can't make him change - this is who he has been his whole adult life.

He needs to get professional help to beat his addictions and find himself .
From having done a similar recovery program, i can see that he is at the "pre-contemplation" stage - which is basically denial/sticking head in the sand/blaming everyone else/not taking personal responsibility.

He is incredibly manipulative!

You don't see it because you are inside it and have got used to it over the years.

He is blaming you for his actions. You haven't ^made* him do anything (unless you pulled a gun on him and forced him to shag random women, take drugs etc) Until he takes responsibility for his own crappy behaviour, he isn't worth anyone's time - certainly not yours!