Leaving a not-awful-but-not-great-marriage - has anyone else done this?

[bookishbooky]

I think I want to leave my DH. He's not a bad person, he's not abusive, he doesn't cheat, but he just doesn't make me laugh. We don't have fun together. He's been away for a week and I've thoroughly enjoyed it. I dreaded coming home today with DS (14m) and ever since we've been home I've been wishing DH gone.

I'm always slightly jealous of those friends of mine who long for a child-free night away, or evening in, but I cannot think of anyone worse. I'm 33 - I would love another child, but if it were with DH it would only be to make it easier for DS when we split. DH doesn't want to split, but everything we do is driven by me, so if we do split, I have to make that decision. If we do have another child (currently not even kissed really since DS was conceived) that would be at my choosing. DH does want one but will never bring it up.

Am I being awful in making DS have a split family, just so I can be happier? I would genuinely love it if DH walked away and never came back. If it weren't for the fact that I know DS needs a relationship with his dad, I'd run away with him. I know that's not fair, and I certainly don't intend to block any access - far from it, I know it's right that DH and DS have as good a relationship as possible, and I would do what I can to support that.

Am I too old to meet someone? To have a family with someone else? How do people cope with sharing their children at Christmas? Or birthdays? Or just in general? And do they worry about their children when they're with XH? DH isn't a bad dad, I just worry that he does stupid things (leaving the stair gate open, etc.) that could be dangerous.

So many questions, I just don't know where to begin. Please someone say you've been there before and it's ok. Or should I just suck it up and stick with him because it's not awful? My worry on this is that I can't pretend forever, and DS will pick up on it for sure.

Sorry for the ramble. Please help.

I'm with you, except I'm starting to build resentment towards DP and I am completely astounded at the contentedness that he has considering how empty and unfulfilling our relationship is.
Just building the courage..

How long have you been together? What attracted you to him in the first place?

I would just be cautious of grass is greener scenario as often dissatisfaction could be within you.

If however you got together young you may just have become different people.

Not me but have you seen these threads? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2833685-Thread-for-those-who-have-left-marriages-that-werent-AWFUL-just-unsatisfying-pt-III-1000-Posts

I left a long term relationship at Easter because of this. My DS is a bit older at 3.5. Things had been rocky for a while. From DS's point of view I wish I had ended things when he was younger, when he would have been less conscious of it. 14months is probably a good age from that point of view. Both I and ex have found trying to answer 'why is daddy not staying here' questions very difficult. Both of us are determined to keep things super amicable, so we have a lot of Skype contact on days he isn't here.

It isn't a quick fix though. Is it definitely your DH who is dragging you down, rather than life with a small child? Could you find your way to having fun together again?

In terms of meeting someone else, logistics are the sticking point, certainly for me. Unless you are going to go for 50/50, which personally I couldn't bear, you will be responsible for almost everything childwise. It is easy enough to meet someone a few times for drinks, but after that you have the option of bringing someone you barely know into the home your child is in, or having to clock watch for a babysitter.

When were you last into him - or is the answer 'never'? If you were, what changed? How does he feel about you?

Also, worth thinking about how you would feel if your DH moved on very quickly and had a baby with someone else, and you were still single. If this would be unbearable, maybe you should have baby number 2 with your DH if you really want a second.

Being a single parent is hard. There are times when you long for another adult to share the workload, and times when you are lonely. You have to manage on less money, share time with your child and watch your ex build a new life that may be better than your's.

You will remember happy times and question whether you did the right thing, and outcomes for children of separated parents are worse than for those whose parents stayed together (unless abusive or a household of constant arguments and tension).

Once you choose to have children I do believe that you have a bigger responsibility to try to fix the marriage, with counselling if necessary.

Having said that, your mind seems made up and I think you should make plans to leave; your dh deserves someone who genuinely loves him and isn't just pretending, and you deserve happiness too

I don't think you should consider another child in these circumstances, quite cruel really.

You're very young at 33. There is every chance you will both meet new partners and coparent effectively.

In this situation I'd suggest you actually talk to your DH and try couples therapy together - for a reasonably long period of time, to give it a proper chance - before you commit to breaking up.
Given that your DH doesn't seem to be doing anything actually wrong, specifically, it really isn't fair on him to just wake up one morning to hear 'actually we are getting divorced' without having any suggestion that anything was even wrong or any chance to defend himself and change the situation.
I think that you should not be considering getting pregnant in order to give your current child a sibling when you leave, that is basically just sperm stealing/your DH might not actually consent to TTC if he knew you were about to go.

Did you ever have fun together? If you did then I am sure you can have fun again.

Yes. Did just that. With one DS.
I used to wish he'd do something awful like cheat on me or leave me so that it would be easier to split. But he didn't and in the end it wasn't good for any of us.

Hardest decision I ever made, and took about 6 years of being miserable before I finally made the break. I used to hope that one day I would wake up and know what the right thing to do was. But in the end all I knew was that I couldn't go on feeling that way.

So I did it. And didn't once regret it. It was sad, but I felt that a huge black cloud had lifted and disappeared.

Yes it was tough and I felt guilty about breaking up our family unit, but ultimately it was the right thing for both of us.

Met my second DH at 35 and now have two more DD's and my son adores his sisters. I'm happier than I ever hoped to be.

You need to at least give yourself a chance of happiness and surely he deserves that too?

Good luck OP.