Watching life from the sidelines with nothing to celebrate

[user1499590110]

I'm early 30s. single, and have been for just over a year. i've been in two 'serious' relationships, i am happy not to be with either of them and don't want them back. but i am SO tired. i used to be filled with such enthusiasm and excitement when i dated, and i suppose deep down somewhere i really believed in the happy ending. i knew love sometimes hurt, i wasnt unrealistic, but i was really willing and happy to give things a go with someone new.

now i am tired of it. i don't believe happy ever after is a reality, even if you have a great relationship with someone - theres a great chance of divorce etc. that makes me sound more cynical than i am, but i guess i just wish i was like ALL of my friends who met people at university or in their early twenties, and now have very settled and stable lives.

i am so lonely. i hate sundays. the advice is always to take up a hobby etc etc. i have hobbies. hobbies dont take away the feeling of being different or being isolated, they are just a distraction. i know this because i have lots of hobbies.

i am now the only person in my friendship group without a child and a husband (bar a couple of colleagues who are friends through work). i don't go on holiday because i dont have the money to travel alone but i also have nobody to go with.

i cant imagine ever meeting anyone now. i get male attention, but i am aware i am getting older. i go on dates but i dont have the spark with anyone. it doesnt feel easy like it used to when you dated at university. the last four years i have watched my friends celebrate all aspects of their lives, from getting engaged, buying houses, marriage, children, holidays. i just get on with my life quietly and have nothing to celebrate. im almost embarrassed about it these days.

where did i go wrong? i know meeting someone isnt the answer to everything, but it IS the answer to sharing all of the things my friends have had the last few years. i dont want to be alone, but i dont want to settle for something that doesnt fill my heart with love. it just doesnt seem to have happened, or that it ever will.

I could have written your post 10 years ago. Fast forward to age 41 and I have a gorgeous husband and 2 boys. But had years of loneliness before then and didn't meet my husband until I was 35. Hang on in there - out of my wide circle everyone ended up happily with someone but for some people it took ages. Have you looked at group holidays like exodus or explore? I did loads of these and quite cheap last minute. I really sympathise but there is no deadline for stuff to start happening x

nightmoneky, how did you meet your husband?

i just feel so tired of it all now. i dont go into relationships unless i am sure (or as sure as i can be!) about the person, and so each of my last proper relationships i gave my all to. i am glad i am no longer with them and in that perspective i am ready to move on, but i just feel so fed up that it seems to have happened for everyone else and not me. self pity isnt nice is it... i just cant help feeling this way.

people say enjoy being singe etc etc...well i HAVE enjoyed some parts of being single, but surprise surprise, like the majority of the human race, i would rather just be happily married.

I felt exactly the same as you. I think it's a fair way to feel. But the problem is that if you're needy the men spot it a mile off. So you do need to at least go through the motions of filling your life up and not being too husband orientated and seeing what happens. One of my friends met her husband at a Meetup where they went swimming, for example. I met mine on guardian soulmates. Other people met on those group holidays. If I'm honest I also did a meditation course to help me through it. It's a tricky situation and I don't think there is anything wrong with seeking support outside your friendship group.x

OP I thought I'd be alone forever when I became single at 40. I met my DP just over a year later in a completely unexpected way. Don't give up. It really will happen when you least expect it. I wasn't looking for a man and I don't need one. I went on a date with him out of curiosity really (I'd known him vaguely from years ago - school). The ex I'd broken up with at 40 was a 7 year relationship and before that I'd been on my own about 10 years. So I've very often been the one observing my friends achieve all the milestones of marriage, kids etc. I actually like being single and doing my own thing with no ties. Don't get me wrong my DP is lovely and I wouldn't be without him but equally I know if things do go wrong I will be ok

I'm in a relationship but I'm cynical from seeing lots of divorces through my line of work. I think that's part of growing up and seeing what goes on in the world. It's tainted marriage for me and I've lost interest in marriage etc now. (I am very happy in my relationship though!).

I have friends who are married, kids etc but I don't envy their lives. A lot of it isn't as pretty as it looks when you get to know them more closely. The ones from Uni are actually slowly growing up in different directions.

Lost purpose of message here, but basically just stop comparing your life to others.

thanks IP1974. I know i am ok and would be without a man, i just feel like i am missing so many of the celebrations that the majority of people experience. my life isnt boring but it has nothing in it that i want most - a family.

i dont think i come across as needy with men at all. if anything it is the opposite, i am totally indifferent. i have dated 12 people in the last 6 months, and none of them i have wanted to see again but they all were keen to meet a second time. i did see a few more than once but that was to try and 'give them a chance' - advice of friends! it just hasnt happened and i cant see it happening now either.

i know it is not good to compare. im not sure that is what i am doing, as i have always wanted a husband and a family. its just that now i seem to celebrate everyone else's milestones and never my own. i know it is so self pitying and very unattractive. having down day today

You don't have to have those celebrations at any particular age! At my hen do age 37 there were 3 other engaged people and 5 bumps! Despite the rounds of weddings in late 20s early 30s

This probably will sound weird. But me, and all of my friends, got married really young. NOT ONE of the men remained faithful. It was like they all got to 30 and realised that they had only slept with one or two women, and that life was passing them by, in that department. MY point is, that you don't really know what is going on in your friends "perfect" lives.

I left my H after his many infidelities. I met my now DH when I was 38. He was 35 and had never married. He'd had many girlfriends though. Anyway, in my experience, men who are a bit older and have been around the block, are much more stable (and faithful). You may well find, that just as you are getting married, some of your friends are going through divorce. Not that you'd want that, but what I'm trying to say, is that life spins on a dime.

Husky i know that is right - life isn't easy or simply for anyone for all sorts of reasons, and i need to remember that. i think it is a mix of feeling low and the fact that marriage and babies are hugely celebrated events (which dont get me wrong, is lovely), and so it is hard to avoid it and ignore the fact it is lacking in my own life. not sure if that makes sense really.

some days i feel really positive and happy that is hasnt happened yet - because i know that had i married either of my exs then it wouldnt have been right, yet i was on the cusp of heading that way with both of them. i do feel more mature now and more aware of what i want in life - up until the last 3 years i was utterly obsessed with my career.

OP I've always wanted a family too. Always. Because my relationship is so new (8 months) I can't raise it with him. I'm 42 now. It's crap isn't it.

i'm just feeling quite down about things today. i feel as if all my enthusiasm has gone and i need to accept being alone. i have been on so many dates and there's never a spark from my point of view. maybe im the weirdo, not them!!

I feel your pain and understand what you mean. No words of wisdom though unfortunately

it's lonely isnt it, even when surrounded by family and friends

I sometime feel more lonely when I am with people, it's strange. I was at a BBQ a while ago. 8 couples...and me.

how old are you, whreisthesunshine - if you dont mind me asking?

im about to go to a bbq and feel the dread already! time to whack a smile on..

I'm 35.

You haven't "gone wrong" OP. There is actually a shortage of available and appropriate men
(Demographers say this), added to which, men in this society are encouraged to be Peter Pans.

It's not you! I e been single since a major relationship breakdown in my mid-30s. The man I thought I was going to marry blah blah blah. That was 20 years ago.

And you know what? Life as a single woman is pretty darn good. We're fed a lot of misogynistic guff about single women, and it's bullshit.

It is tiring doing everything on your own, and feeling unloved and unloveable does take its toll, I won't lie. But there are fantastic perks as well!

I'm single since suffering serious MH problems in my 30s, I'm 40 now & still not fully better. I assumed I would be married with kids in my 30s.
I desperately want a baby but couldn't cope mentally or financially as a single mum.
So I'm trying OLD to meet a boyfriend. Well, it may work.
I do have a friend who (re)married & had 2 babies naturally after age 42 so it can happen. But I don't hold out much hope.

OP, you have more chance because you are younger, and hopefully you have no illnesses that can get in the way of finding a boyfriend... it does feel awful though being single for a long time when everyone else isn't.

I'm 'lucky' in that my sister & one of my friends are single too....

Nightmonkey's advice to try a group holiday is spot on. I met my DW on an Explore holiday. It wasn't expensive, there's a massive range of trips and it's an easy way to meet a completely new group of people.

Wey said "There is actually a shortage of available and appropriate men"

I'd like to know a) where this comes from and b) what appropriate means. I'm a single guy, 43, and have been single for 7 years after an 11 year relationship.

Nightmonkey and Admirable I'd love to know how you found Exodus or Explore cheap. I must admit, I haven't looked at the latter much but whenever I have looked at Exodus the word that has always sprung to mind is "expensive" and never "cheap"

The Explore holiday wasn't expensive. It was camping, sharing a tent with, in my case a stranger, but that was no problem. Some of the guests had come with friends or as couples. It was very friendly. The travelling aspect was paddling inflatable canoes along a French river and visiting places on the way. Certainly not luxurious but it was all adequate and I thought, good value. I went knowing no-one but prepared to give it a go, out of the familiar zone of home and work. I was 45 and had been single for a good while.

I haven't looked at what those companies offer these days, but I recall that Exodus were longer-haul trips, more ambitious and expensive than Explore. My wife-to-be and her friend booked at the last minute: they needed a cheap holiday.

There's a lid for every pot. Your time will come

feels like theres not much point to life anymore. fed up of doing things on my own