Watching life from the sidelines with nothing to celebrate

[user1499590110]

I'm early 30s. single, and have been for just over a year. i've been in two 'serious' relationships, i am happy not to be with either of them and don't want them back. but i am SO tired. i used to be filled with such enthusiasm and excitement when i dated, and i suppose deep down somewhere i really believed in the happy ending. i knew love sometimes hurt, i wasnt unrealistic, but i was really willing and happy to give things a go with someone new.

now i am tired of it. i don't believe happy ever after is a reality, even if you have a great relationship with someone - theres a great chance of divorce etc. that makes me sound more cynical than i am, but i guess i just wish i was like ALL of my friends who met people at university or in their early twenties, and now have very settled and stable lives.

i am so lonely. i hate sundays. the advice is always to take up a hobby etc etc. i have hobbies. hobbies dont take away the feeling of being different or being isolated, they are just a distraction. i know this because i have lots of hobbies.

i am now the only person in my friendship group without a child and a husband (bar a couple of colleagues who are friends through work). i don't go on holiday because i dont have the money to travel alone but i also have nobody to go with.

i cant imagine ever meeting anyone now. i get male attention, but i am aware i am getting older. i go on dates but i dont have the spark with anyone. it doesnt feel easy like it used to when you dated at university. the last four years i have watched my friends celebrate all aspects of their lives, from getting engaged, buying houses, marriage, children, holidays. i just get on with my life quietly and have nothing to celebrate. im almost embarrassed about it these days.

where did i go wrong? i know meeting someone isnt the answer to everything, but it IS the answer to sharing all of the things my friends have had the last few years. i dont want to be alone, but i dont want to settle for something that doesnt fill my heart with love. it just doesnt seem to have happened, or that it ever will.

Life's better in a pair and easier to boot. There's the usual spiel get a hobby, work on yourself ect but please just trust it won't be like this forever. I hope poster's come on here and share their experiences of finding love in later life as it does happen. Just please trust this lonely phase will pass, it did for me

OP I totally get where you are coming from. I have just spent another weekend not seeing or speaking to anyone and I wonder what the point it. Weekends are the worst because all my friends are coupled up and with kids so they are busy doing family stuff.

People will always pull out the "usual spiel" that Mulch mentions but that only goes so far. I've been single seven years, haven't had a date in years, done the online dating thing, all my friends know I am looking, I'm in lots of clubs and hobbies but no single women EVER join any of them, I've tried everything that everyone on MN trots out but here I still am. I don't mope (except at home), I don't give off a bad vibe. But things don't change, whether I put myself out there or I "stop looking, it'll turn up when you least expect it".

It's all very well people saying "it won't be like this forever" but they DON'T KNOW that. There are people who spend decades on their own. Well, I have no intention of that. I shall get to a certain point and pull the plug.

Shatner, you sound aggrieved. If that comes across to women that you meet, they will not be drawn to you. If you are not happy in your own skin, equally that is not attractive. I was single for ten years. I hoped I would meet someone and it did eventually happen.
Here's another suggestion for you and OP: people with dogs are often very sociable. No dog? Go on Borrow my Doggy and walk someone else's.

Admirable Not at all. But I find it astonishing that the same clichés are always trotted out and that if you do all these things it WILL happen. The truth is it MAY happen. It's right to do all these things and lead as content and fulfilling a life as you can do that hopefully someone turns up who fits in, but it's wrong to tell people it WILL happen. You WILL meet someone at some point. Because for many people they won't. Then some people who just have had one bad weekend and want to vent a little about feeling lonely get called self-pitying or that they must come off as needy or some such. Which is impossible to tell from a vent which we all have from time to time.

What people need is realistic support and understanding, not clichés. Just as with any other topic.

Like anything, people try to support you but end up repeating annoying cliches.

Apart from "you'll definitely meet someone one day" the most annoying is "well having a partner and kids isn't so great anyway". Now it's true that everyone has struggles and as you can tell from reading this forum, relationships have ups and downs and having kids is a complete nightmare. But it's a bit rich coming from people on about their second DH and fourth DC. If you hate it that much stop acquiring husbands and kids! Sure its shit but I just want the choice to have that same shit life, iyswim.

Offering you understanding and support, OP.

The thing that stick outs for me is that you have written off many men on the first date as there was no spark. Until recently, I was a personal matchmaker. I would always encourage people to go on a second date unless there was something dreadfully offputting. Second dates are sooo much different from the first and many of my clients found a connection on the second date after almost writing off the match.

Shatner - I have a suggestion for you. Do you like kids? You say all your friends are wrapped up in kids stuff at the weekend. How about you offer to help? It's a 2 way win. Your friends will be eternally grateful for a break and it is a great way to meet people, albeit probably single mums. If that is not a problem for you, offer to take little Johnny to his footie match for a change, take them swimming, offer to help out with cricket coaching that eve, help at a Beavers/ Scouts activity/whatever. Full of mums hanging around chatting to people. Pay them a compliment on their child and you are a shoe in! I've seen many a romance start a child's activity...and you would come across as a really decent guy!

Pie Yes, I love those. A friend once said to me "But it's great being single. I loved being single, used to get up to all sorts of things, had the best time!" I replied "So why haven't you left your husband and gone back to being single then?" Oddly enough, she went strangely quiet.

Clarry I do have a goddaughter who I do occasionally take to things, but to be honest, everyone tends to be focused on what their own child is doing, so you spend most of the time watching rather than interacting, in my experience. It's not really conducive to adult company and conversation.

Op you sound like your career no longer excites you, is there any chance if retraining for something you feel passionate about? Working in a different city or abroad?
It sounds to me like you're disillusioned with your current life and a huge change might be what's needed (if that is possible - I know it might not be)

I'm 35 and single, I do have dc's but they are growing up and both have special needs. Sundays are my worst days, I do have a hobby that gets me out of the house but when I'm out all I see is people playing happy families. During the week I cope quite well, I try and keep busy with work and hobbies, sometimes the evenings are lonely. I have kind of excepted that I may never find anyone to settle down with and some parts of being single I love (not having to tell someone where I'm going, what I'm doing, what I'm buying), it's not all bad.

Shatner I am with you in that. Have started to catch people out with his too. Had a colleague who tried to convince that having children was nothing but hassle and life-restricting, the list went on. I ended up asking her whether she'd give her second one up for adoption - she was 6 months pregnant. I no it's nasty and bitter but fine people just don't understand that some of us would love to be up with a vomiting toddler all night or have a silly little argument over the washing up with a dh.

Sorry for typos. On phone.

I'm another one for whom family has come along later on, just had my second child aged 40. At your stage I was very much coming to terms with the idea of life without kids and although I felt sad about this over time I realised that there would probably be a lot of tears, sadness and struggles being a parent as well. I also looked at some friends and relatives in their 50s without kids and realised that they were enjoying life and were happy and I could be too. You may be feeling that pressure that you have to find 'the one' but please just enjoy dating, give people a chance and get to know them and don't get too serious unless you meet a good one!

i just cant imagine meeting anyone.

poster above mentioned second dates. i rarely do them ever, perhaps that is where im going wrong. i just write people off within minutes if we're not naturally having a proper laugh.

OP, I am a similar age and I feel exactly the same! I think you get invited to so many more events as a couple / family and your days seem to be so much fuller. I'm hoping it happens for me soon, but it seems to be getting less and less likely as time goes on.

i cant imagine ever meeting anyone now.

^^ This stuck out for me. I would start here.
You're still young.
You've got loads of time.
There are literally millions of men out there!
You only need one!
Look at other happy couples. Be happy for them. They can do it, so can you!

Keep going from there.

I think you need to go on a few second dates with people. You really would be better off not writing people off after one short hour or two, unless they are creepy or you are turned off in some way.

Other than that I have no advice. I'm sure it feels really shitty right now, but it can change from one day to the next. Keep on keeping on is the only thing I can advise.

I agree, go on some 2nd dates, I'm going on a 3rd date tomorrow, I'm still unsure if I like him, first date was ok, 2nd date a bit better so date 3 might go well. People are often nervous on first dates so can say the wrong things or come across as being rude, yes some dates are complete right offs but not all.

I've been crying reading this and I don't know why as it's nothing like my situation. Please don't assume that being married with children is the idyl you imagine. On paper I did everything you say you want - met DH at uni, married at 28, had a blissful few years as a newlywed, our son was born three years later.

Parenthood has made us slowly fall apart. You can never know how you will be as parents until it happens and we are absolute opposites. No time for dates, arguments, work pressure, family illness etc have pushed us apart. He left me earlier this year when our second child had just turned one. He's not happy, he needs time to himself, he needs to find himself... every bloody cliche in the book.

Sorry I didn't mean to make this about me. Obviously some marriages do last! But right now I reckon a man who is older is a better bet. I really hope you meet someone and get what you truly want. I can't deny the children are a blessing, if hard work! Hang in there. x

thanks for these posts - it is nice to hear people's experiences on the other side of the fence too!!

weekend dreads already started!

I think you're writing people off too soon, I really don't think you can tell on a first date.
People are nervous or not themselves
Get back out there and see it as a numbers game. And unless they literally revolt you go on a second date!
Spend the weekend being more forward and sending folks some emails on OLD...you just never know